It’s my birthday. I’m locked in the bathroom.

I would have posted sooner today, but I was too busy buying shit.

Okay, that’s a lie, I haven’t purchased one thing yet. Only because I asked Harv to hide my wallet, his wallet, Cal’s piggy bank, and lock me in the bathroom. I’m writing from the bathtub right now. Don’t worry, I’m fully clothed. This isn’t a porn site. Yet.

What I failed to think through is that even though I’m locked in the bathroom, as long as I have my computer, I have the internet. You done failed, Liz. You fucked up. (

Harv promised to let me out when he got home from work this evening because he made reservations at a fancy restaurant.

Guess what? I’m not going to a fancy restaurant anymore. Why, you ask? Well, maybe you’re not asking, but I’m going to tell you anyway. My mom. She called me last night to tell me that she was going to make me dinner tonight.

I prefer my mom’s cooking over fancy restaurant food any day, so I got excited and asked what she would be preparing. There was a long pause on her end. I did the whole “Hello, hello, can you hear me? Are you still there?” while tap tapping the phone against a table. Because that’s what gets a phone to work- when you tap tap it against a table.

My mom informed me that what she meant by “make me dinner” tonight was actually just picking up food at the local tri-tip barbecue joint and bringing it over.

So, yes, I’ll be spending all day locked in this bathroom, and I’m only being let out to eat warmed-over takeout.

Welcome to my life.
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Friends, today is the one-month mark of your own projects. Curious to see how things are coming along for you. Spill it. Oh, and after some thought, I’ve decided to name our gang simply The Cartel.

The picture for today’s post? Mike, the pimptastic genius at Bluntcard.com, created it. He was kind enough to make it into a magnet, and I have 50 magnets to give away on the Flourish in Progress Facebook page. It’s my birthday and you’re getting the gifts. What the fuck is going on hereThe giveaway is being done entirely on Facebook under the post “Magnet Giveaway.

Monday Dare: It’s almost cake time, y’all

Every Monday, I’m picking from the List of Things to Do, Places to Go, Possible Acts that Help, and Possible Fun to Have. It’s a list I made before The Project started, and I’m still adding to it. If you have suggestions, please feel free to throw them my way. I’m calling the list my Monday Dares, as I get overwhelmed just looking at the words “challenge” or “goal.”

This week: Don’t be a quitter.

I’m full of ideas. Okay, fine, I’m comfortable enough with you to admit: I’m full of shitty ideas. I should probably be locked away with no access to television or internet or people. Because invariably, it leads to no good.

Like speedskating.

Last year, after watching the Winter Olympics, I decided speedskating was my new life calling. I’m Korean. I figured it was in my blood. I know, guys. Stop laughing. 

I’m not sure how Harv kept a straight face when I told him. In fact, he wholeheartedly supported my new Important Life Goal. He helped me track down the right coach, came with me to pick out fancy new skates, and cheered me on whenever I came home with a new bruise or a broken arm. I’m just kidding about the broken arm. I didn’t break any bones. Which, looking back, is quite a surprise since I spent more time facedown on the ice than whizzing around the rink.

I did my best to take my new career path seriously. I went to bed early so I could get up at the crack of dawn to practice. I never drank the night before a lesson. No hangovers for this “athlete.” I bought pads that I could tuck into my tights which gave me a quarter inch of extra protection from my tailbone down to my knees. My coach didn’t object to the pads. But, she did like to point out that the other 12-year-old boys I was practicing with didn’t need pads. I just ignored that bitch and kept right on rocking those pads.

How good did I get? After practicing five days a week for several months, my coach suggested I might have an inner-ear problem because I had no balance. She took me aside and informed me that the boys fought behind my back not to have me on their relay team. That’s probably one of the clearest indicators you should quit something- when you cause bad blood among tween boys.

It’s still a struggle for me to wake up every day and realize I’m not going to the Olympics.

I’ve never stuck with anything for a long time. Some people might call that a weakness. Those are also the same people I push in the face.

My yearlong project is ending this Thursday. I originally planned to only do this blog for a year to keep me accountable. But, I’m going to keep it up because I’ve enjoyed it so much. I’m grateful for your friendship and your support. I may be addicted to it. I wish I knew how to quit you. 

Does that mean I’m going to continue with the no shopping project? Fuck no, yo. My socks are wearing thin.

However, I’m continuing with the Monday Dares because even though most have been pretty spectacular failures, each new challenge thrills me. And sometimes makes me cry. But that’s beside the point.

So, I need your help. I’d love your Monday Dare suggestions. It can be anything. If you like something I’ve already done, you are free to suggest it again. Maybe I’ll add a twist. Or, I’ll just try not to fail at it this time. I’m down for whatever. Well, almost anything. I did get a suggestion this year to sign up for a prisoner penpal. Come on, folks. They’re already locked up and serving time. Do I have to torture them with my mundane letters too?

Have you ever started a venture or hobby that didn’t unfold quite as you expected?

P.S. That hilarious picture at the top of the post today? It’s from Bluntcard.com. Mike, the creative genius behind Bluntcard, created a pimptastic card for the one-year anniversary of The Project. I’ll be revealing it on Thursday. Mike has also turned it into a magnet, and I’m giving away 50 magnets on the Flourish in Progress Facebook page on Thursday.

Monday Dare: I’m starting a gang

Every Monday, I’m picking from the List of Things to Do, Places to Go, Possible Acts that Help, and Possible Fun to Have. It’s a list I made before The Project started, and I’m still adding to it. If you have suggestions, please feel free to throw them my way. I’m calling the list my Monday Dares, as I get overwhelmed just looking at the words “challenge” or “goal.”

This week: It’s your turn.

My life hasn’t really turned out the way I envisioned it would. When I was 12, I spent countless hours by myself in my room, door locked, window shades drawn, practicing dance routines I concocted with my tiny little brain. My masterpiece was a one-woman dance and mime show I would perform in time to Snoop Dogg’s Gin and Juice.

I envisioned my grown-up life having lots of friends and throwing barbecues on the weekend. At those barbecues, I imagined everyone would gather in the backyard in a semi-circle formation as I performed these dance and mime routines that I had secretly been practicing since the age of 12. They would whistle and clap and come up afterwards to give me high fives. Someone might even know someone who knew someone who could get me gigs on street corners where I could work for dollar tips.

None of this has happened yet. YET. They say real art comes from talent. I disagree. Real art also comes after 18 years of practicing a dance routine in secret.

This happens a lot- setting goals and imagining the future one way, and then arriving at the “now” and discovering it looks completely different.  Like today. I have precisely one month left on The Project. This year hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would.

Actually, I’m not even sure what I was expecting, but The Project and my Monday Dares have made these last 11 months pretty dope. Mostly, it’s your support and your love and your fucking hilarious feedback that keeps me going. 

So, I’m asking you- For this last month, I’d love for you to embark on your own Project. It can be anything. Forrealz. ANYTHING. Maybe you want to cut down your chewing gum habit to two sticks a day. Maybe you want to learn something new. Maybe you want to quit a vice. Maybe you want to  watch every episode of Three’s Company.

The added bonus of starting your own Project? Since we’re all doing this together, it makes us part of a group…a gang if you will. So if anyone asks what you did today, you can say you joined a gang. You’re welcome. 

So, what’s YOUR Project? And if you’re not ready to embark on your own Project, no pressure. What are you considering?

P.S. Know someone who might like to be in a gang? Please forward this on. You can also tweet or Facebook share it by clicking the buttons below. Let’s roll deep, yo. UPDATE: I have just been told this is called Recruitment.
image via ilovecharts.tumblr.com