Adulthood: A period also known as Shit Just Got Real

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A lot of people claim that adulthood is easy once you get the hang of it. Those people could just be liars. Or maybe being an adult isn’t that hard, and I’m the only one who still has to look up information like “Why do I have to drink water?” What if I drink a lot of Cactus Cooler? Water is the main ingredient in my favorite beverage. I also consume a lot of milkshakes. Milk comes from cows, and cows drink water.

I asked myself a long time ago what I really valued, and when I let all of the bullshit fall away, I realized that not dying was important to me. That’s why I devote so much time to thinking about important issues like water consumption and lesser items like manners and responsibility get the shaft. How important is it that I remember my brother’s birthday or pay my taxes on time if I’m dead due to dehydration?

Adulthood is not easy. It is so goddamn fucking hard. There are so many moving parts, especially when you are responsible for the happiness and well-being of a child. Motherhood + Adulthood = Shit just got real. Also, if you’re saddled with Character Bumps like laziness or slowpokiness (slowpokeness? slowpoke-itis?), then just go ahead and eat three slices of white bread like I’m doing right now. It’s a longer road for us, and we need the carbs and preservatives.

I’m not a proficient traveler, but…actually, there’s no but. I’m not a proficient traveler. If I had to guess which part of traveling I fuck up more-planning or execution-I’d say it’s an even split. Sometimes, I bungle both sides in one trip. I don’t think it’s a good idea to let Sometimes Adults travel on their own.

Last weekend, I went to San Francisco to attend the book launch party of my buddy, Ghetto Genius. I didn’t bother looking up my exact flight schedule or checking in early online because I was preoccupied with other activities like laying down. Friday morning, after repeated texts and emails from friends who were also flying in for the event, I searched my inbox for the confirmation email.

I wasn’t immediately alarmed when I couldn’t find the confirmation. No big deal. I could just look up my travel itinerary through the booking site. Then, I realized I was facing a few roadblocks. I couldn’t quite remember: 1) Which site I had used to book the ticket and 2) Which airline I was flying.

I started to panic, so I did what I thought was best. I laid down. Then, I texted three friends to ask, “Hey, did I ever tell you that I ACTUALLY booked the ticket or did I only say that I was THINKING about booking it?”

All three responded with variations of “How the fuck would I know?” If this situation has taught me anything, it’s that I need better friends.

I tried to sound casual as I spoke to the reservations lady at one of the airlines. “I’m pretty sure I have a flight today. I can’t find the confirmation email and I’m not 100% certain that it’s your airline. I also don’t know what time I’m flying out or if I really booked the ticket. Would you please check for me?”

“I bet you get phone calls like this all the time,” I added during the silence as she checked.

“Not to this extent, no.”

That admission might have made other people feel bad about themselves, but here’s the thing: It is impossible to be good at everything. Adulthood isn’t about being perfect. Just pick one thing that’s important to you (e.g. hydration) and dive into it. Make it your passion. Let that motherfucker blossom and grow.

P.S. Turns out, I *did* have a ticket to SF. It was wonderful to see J-Wunder and the Ghetto Genius Crew again. For pictures of the book launch party and other not-seen-on-this-blog snapshots, follow along on Instagram (username: flourishinprogress). For (t)hug life thoughts, “like” the Flourish in Progress Facebook page.

P.P.S. J-Wunder’s book Wait…What?!: Life Advice From A Ghetto Genius officially released today and already ranks in the Top 100 Humor Books in Love/Sex/Marriage on Amazon. So fucking proud of you. Nothing but love, homie.

artwork: Richie Stewart for Wander

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  • mommyonthespot

    You know, I was just thinking how hard adulthood is and how I would like one day, just one day, to go back to my college apartment and watch a full day’s worth of Lifetime Television programing.

    Also, I think I’ve been too preoccupied with other stuff and not enough with hydration – which could be the reason I felt all groggy and crabby today.

    I am still trying to figure out what that one thing I am going to rock as an adult, but you bring up an excellent point about how you can’t do any of it if you are not properly hydrated. Which could explain why it took me all day to straighten up one room and forgot to buy hot dog buns.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      It only took you ONE day to straighten up an entire room? Damn, girl, why you gotta be so overachieving? =/

      My mom actually called me yesterday to tell me that she had been over while I was out of town and that I need to either work on my cleaning skills or hire a shitload more people because my home looked like a wreck. Thanks, mom, love you too.

  • Amy at Funny is Family

    Hydration is important. Stay the course!

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Happy to meet another Hydration Supporter. It’s real important and I’m on a campaign.

  • kimchi_mom

    “Motherhood + Adulthood = Shit just got real.”

    Truth. That, and the importance of hydration.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Even one element in that equation is hard. Both combined is like, a recipe for….well, it explains why my home and car and life look the way they do.

  • Aman

    This made me smile! phew, im not alone!

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      lol <3

  • Jordie V

    i think laying down and hydrating are two of the most important life skills to perfect…especially if you’re interested in not dying. you’re just really good at prioritizing is what it sounds like to me. bravo!

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Thank you for recognizing what I consider to be my top two talents in life. Sometimes, I am even able to drink and lay down at the same time.

  • Two Thirty~Five Designs

    whoop there it is. love it.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      uh oh. That will be in my head all day now.

      But it’s still considerably better than “When I die, bury me inside the Gucci store” which I’ve had running through my brain for 15 days in a row. That, and the lyrics to Tom Ford.

      • Two Thirty~Five Designs

        Tom Ford, high fives all around…
        Its clearly been stuck in my uppermess for about a month now, or my feed on instatard has said. The offspring have asked what in the heck ‘whoop’ means.
        School is now in session, muahahaha aha.

        • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          As Kanye would say- You took them to Ghetto University.

          I can appreciate a parent who only wants the best education for her child.

          • Two Thirty~Five Designs

            Basically, only the best. They think I am weird. I shush them, only I know best.

  • Miranda Kaye

    lol, you had other important things to do, like laying down. That’s so me! You crack me up!

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      It’s one of my favorite passions.

  • http://badsandy.com/ Meredith

    I just fond out yesterday (thanks to my husband announcing it via bullhorn) that I’ve been driving around for 6 months without car insurance because I forgot to actually get some.

    Two years ago I only found out I didn’t have a valid passport as I was trying to board a plane to Mexico.

    But, I can tell you what happens if you drink too much Cactus Cooler (gnarly stomach ache followed by the shits) and why you need to drink water (it makes your skin better. Oh, and it keeps you alive.)

    So you see, you’re not alone. It’s good to focus on what’s important.

    Tks for writing.
    xo
    Meredith (badsandy.com

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      OMG, this one time, my mom asked me to look at her passport to make sure it wasn’t expiring soon before she went on a trip to Europe and for some reason, I thought the date was written as day/month/year instead of the standard month/day/year that I see all the time (I really don’t know why. maybe too much past drug use) and I only found out that I had read it wrong and it had expired when she called me from the airport to come and pick her up. The ride back to her place was very silent. I think she was pretending she never gave birth to me.

  • shuggilippo

    This could easily be one of the greatest posts I’ve ever read about adulthood (and love/sex/marriage humor books…and hydration) because holy fuck did you know that stock piling a shit ton of 90s hip hop lyrics instead of “how to change a flat” or “which day of the month rent is due” will serve you well when you grow up to make things on the internet for a living. Knowledge.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      PRIORITIES.

      You got em.

      Also, I try not to be friends with people who don’t know a shitload of 90s hip hop lyrics. They are very suspicious to me.

  • Roller Scrapper

    At least you found your ticket, I know someone who bought two tickets to the same flight, luckily they were with SouthWest so they just moved one to later in the year.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Does this mean you know my cousin? Cuz he did the same exact thing and when I texted him about my situation, he said, “Can’t judge. I booked myself on the same flight twice a while back.”

      Must be something in our bloodline.

  • Melicious Chronicles

    I love laying down.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Me too. Pretty good at it and I’ve never even taken lessons or anything.

  • http://www.unitedstatesofbecky.blogspot.com/ unitedstatesofbecky

    So damn true. Adulthood is like taking all the parts of driving downtown in the city (things to watch for, one-way streets, pedestrians, random flying shit) except it goes at the pace of the freeway, so it’s like 80mph and you’re freaking the hell out. At least I am. Yeah.
    Also: I have no cognitive map (for real) and a crippling fear of being lost. And while that’s in the most literal sense, I think those two things fit in nicely with my little driving metaphor.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I think this was the absolute perfect metaphor. Even though I’m behind the wheel, I often feel like I’m not the one driving. I must remind myself that I am responsible for my own experience.

  • Robin M

    I am in the middle of planning a very long trip to the other side of the planet (literally) and I am like you. I know that we will be there with no connecting flight to the non-refundable something or other. Grown-upedness is not my greatest strength or one that I actually posses.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      That sounds baller as fuck and ridiculously awesome. I wish I were brave enough to do something like that. I hope you’ll keep me posted…safe travels.

  • Miss Kim

    I remember when I was a kid, I couldn’t wait until I grew up. But what I’d do to go back to my childhood for just a day….hmm or maybe a week lol. When you are a kid, there are so many things you can’t do, aren’t allowed to do. As an adult, there’s so much freedom to do whatever you want. But along with the freedom also comes the dang thing called responsibility. Yikes! Nice post.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      As a kid, I couldn’t wait to be a grown up so I could stay up as long as I wanted and eat Happy Meals at midnight if that was my heart’s desire. I wanted freedom. I guess I didn’t realize that childhood IS freedom. I like the adulthood version of freedom too, but being responsible is so damn hard for me.

  • http://www.milkandwhiskey.com MILK

    I have been known to buy flights for the wrong week because my brain goes from thinking something is true to KNOWING something is true without stopping to actually factcheck…or look at a calendar. I just smile and hope no one else notices all the crazy. Love your writing.

  • http://i8there4irun.com/ Jolene Baker

    Hydration! That is what I have been missing all this time! It is definitely not procrastination that keeps me from taking over the world! (My house, the couch, tomato/potato)