Archives for July 2012

Monday Dare: Choose your own adventure, dummy

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Learn the easy way

I’m the densest motherfucker I know. I don’t mean that my protons and neutrons and that-other-thing-I-cannot-remember-the name-of are packed tightly together, making me strong and impenetrable. (Side note: Let my ignorance be a warning to your children. Pay attention in class.) (Second side note: Is it proton or protron?) (Third side note: Please remember my first side note.)

I’m not Strong Dense. I’m Learn the Hard Way Dense. Every little bit of know-how and knowledge I’ve scraped together is a result of the poor choices I’ve made. When given an option, I always pick the one that tastes like a bad decision.

As a kid, I started borrowing Choose Your Own Adventure books from the library instead of buying them because I always ended up dead or trapped in a dark and dank pit. I would use the money I saved to buy large bags of Funyuns to console myself. Emotional Eating Due to Pretend Death or Entrapment-it’s a real thing. Word on the street is that there are 40 or more possible adventure paths per book. Good for you, Careful Choice Makers. Must be nice to be all alive and shit after solving the Mission of Molowa or breaking the Curse of the Pirate Mist.

Familiar with poor outcomes at an early age, I continued the same pattern of picking the worst choices as an adult. Does this option burn, bite, sting, or cause a bruise to my body or psyche? Then, yes please. I’m a glutton for punishment and a master of learning things the hard way. I will close my ears when friends start giving me advice. Fuck that shit, I think, I know best.

This attitude is probably why, in my single days, I ended up in some asshole’s apartment lobby with my bags and no place to go.

Cletus and I got into a fight over fried chicken. Well, it started out as a discussion about what to eat for dinner, but it turned into an argument when a friend called to ask what Cletus was doing. He pretended to be alone and said he had no plans for the evening, even though I had just traveled several hundred miles to see him and would be staying with him for a week. When I confronted him, he shrugged it off and said I was being sensitive. I started packing my bags out of anger. I don’t know why, since I had no place to go and knew no one else in the city. For ten minutes, as I packed up, he sat on the couch and watched me, not saying a single word. My pride took over and I actually walked out of Cletus’s place. I sat in the lobby for half an hour, weighing my options.

Then, I saw a Domino’s Pizza delivery guy. He called a unit for access into the building. Guess who’s voice was on the other side of the call? Yes, you are correct. In the half hour that I had been in the lobby, Cletus had ordered a pizza. I did what I thought was best. I called Cletus to apologize for my irrational and sensitive behavior. We stayed together for months afterwards. After each fight, I would apologize. My friends said he was a motherfucker. I didn’t listen. I stayed until he brushed me aside for someone else.

I’ve always been pretty content to root around in the filth of my insecurities and shortcomings. I’m dense! That’s just me! I need to learn the hard way! 

No, dummy, that’s not how sanity works. I’m giving myself permission to learn from others’ mistakes instead of making all of them on my own. I deserve a break.

Do you need to learn the hard way? Has it gotten you into any particularly memorable binds?
Ever apologized just to keep the peace?

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Monday Dare: I’m a loser

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. Click on the link to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Stop wasting so much time

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m good at a LOT of things. “What?” you ask. Well, if you must know, I’m incredibly talented at….fuck it, nothing comes to mind right now. WAIT, hot damn, how could I forget? I’m an EXCELLENT time waster.

I know you. You know me. And as friends, the least I can do is spare you from the bullshit I feed my family. Some may say that my family deserves the kind of respect I give you, but those are the same people who don’t have families of their own. Do these judgey people know what it’s like to sit on a cold laundry room floor sorting and unfurling dirty socks before throwing them in the wash even though you’ve asked your family a katrillion times to please not do the “ball your socks into a tiny wad” shit?

When I close my office door and tell these fools I have to “work,” that’s probably the last thing I’m doing. I managed to evade suspicion until they opened the door without knocking first one day and caught me dancing to some dubstep beats while watching myself in the mirror.

Sometimes, I don’t tend to my adult responsibilities for honest and real reasons. I planned to knock some items off my To Do List last Thursday. Just essentials. I never put anything like “Become a better person” on my list because I shy away from tasks that require a lot of work. Plus, it’s good to be an underdeveloped person because I make everyone around me look amazing by comparison. I didn’t accomplish anything because I ended up getting a surprise root canal. I DID manage to check off “Get gas,” but that was only because my car had been running on fumes for most of the week, and I needed gas for my Journey to Dental Hell. When I came home, traumatized from tooth rape, my family accused me of getting a root canal to avoid my chores.

I didn’t really have anything to say in my defense. Mostly because there was no feeling in half my face and I couldn’t talk. But also because if given the choice, I would happily get another root canal over cleaning the greasy spot in front of the stove, even though I slipped in that mess and almost cracked my skull. I’ve learned that head wounds only look and sound dramatic. There’s really nothing important up there anyway.

I have two trips coming up this week. Yesterday, instead of spending precious time packing or stocking the fridge so the “people I love” don’t starve, I spent an hour googling “How to make the perfect paper airplane.” Then, when I realized my precision creasing skills needed work, I moved on to making motivational posters. Like this one:

I would feel more shame if I wasn’t so satisfied with my handiwork.This is not one of those times where I’ll promise to get my act together and become an adult. Let’s keep it real. Baby steps. How about I just stop being so goddamn lazy? That’s good enough for me.Are you a time waster? What are your go-to time wasting activities?

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first image via pinterest