Monday Dare: The Underachiever’s Guide to Not Setting Your Home on Fire

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. Click on the link if you’d like to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Learn to cook.

My general attitude towards cooking has always been I Don’t Know. I Don’t Care. Not My Problem. This would be fine if I lived alone. I could run to 7-Eleven at noon and then again at 7:00 p.m. for one of their burritos, which I would carefully heat in their industrial-strength microwave. It would only be twice a day since I’d eat a hearty breakfast at home. Something like a bowl of Trix cereal and almond milk. But since I probably wouldn’t go to the store that often, it might sometimes be a few handfuls of Trix cereal. Or just a glass of Orange Shasta. BAM. Got my weekly serving of fruit right there. This is the problem with not being a katrillionaire. You have to do all kinds of shit for yourself, and frankly, I don’t like it.

I won’t even watch cooking shows to “get inspired” or learn how to make “quick” and “easy” 30-minute meals. Fuck that shit. You know what’s inspirational? Watching people act like dummies on reality television. I always feel so put-together afterwards, and it inspires me to just keep being myself. And you know what’s quick and easy? Restaurants. Other people cook and clean and all I have to do is remember to use utensils occasionally so I don’t look like an animal.

The problem with my piss-poor attitude about cooking is that I have a family. I don’t know what kind of family you have, but mine wants to eat all the time.

The great thing about having a piss-poor attitude and a family who demands food is that concerned friends will step in and stage an intervention but couch it in a non-threatening and casual way by saying, “Come over for a few days and relax on the Central Coast and maybe we can do a couple of fun cooking lessons.” Well, I don’t know if that’s how all interventions work, but it’s what my friend Jen did. I was totally bamboozled because she used words like “relax” and “fun,” and I tuned out the rest.

My mom was happy to hear about the cooking lessons. “Remember, Elizabeth, God helps those who help themselves.”

“That’s true, ma, but didn’t God also say something about not burning down other people’s houses?” I asked. I think she called me from her cell phone and it was a bad connection because the line went dead after that.

Because I like to practice Good Friendmanship whenever possible, I asked immediately upon arrival if Jen had fire insurance. “I double-checked our policy before you got here.” That Jen, so prepared.

We started out with something “easy”: a grilled cheese and bacon sandwich. She would demonstrate. I would watch. She would step aside. I would mimic her last action. After we had sliced the bread, buttered each side, cut the cheese, made the bacon, toasted the bread, assembled the sandwich, and laid the sandwich in the pan, she asked if I had any questions.

“Yeah, just one. Which step does the microwave come in? That’s how I make my grilled cheese sandwiches.”

I saw a little tear forming in the corner of her eye. “It’s called a GRILLED cheese sandwich for a REASON.”

The sandwiches were delicious. But I ain’t gonna lie. I was fucking tired after that, so I asked if I could go lay down for a few hours. Also, I asked for some alcohol because, I mean, seriously guys, did you not read all the steps I went through to make a sandwich?

When I finally came out of my hiding place, Jen put me to work again. We were making gnocchi with a tomato sauce for dinner and my job was to open 7 cans of tomatoes. Do you know what makes me feel better than knowing I opened 7 cans of tomatoes all by my goddamn self without the help of an electric can opener? NOTHING. It’s a pretty important job if you think about it, because without me, there wouldn’t have been any sauce.

I love my friend Jen so much for letting me into her home and taking the time to teach me. I’m not so afraid of the kitchen anymore. But if I ever open a restaurant, every menu item is going to cost one katrillion dollars. This cooking shit ain’t no joke, playas.

Do you enjoy cooking? Any quick and easy meals you consider your “specialties”?
If you don’t enjoy cooking, how do you feed your family?

P.S. I’ll be at BlogHer in New York this weekend where I will be reading a Post Which Is A Secret Because I’m Not Allowed To Mention It Right Now in front of 4,500 people. “Like” the Flourish in Progress Facebook page to stay up-to-date on all the ways I will probably embarrass myself. And for funny pictures. And Thug Life thoughts.
image via pinterest

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  • Natasha

    that sandwich sounds like a TON of work. but also delicious

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Super delicious. May compel me to get off my lazy ass to make one again. Maybe.

  • Hbsmith

    I loathe cooking. And I feel bad that I loathe cooking. I can cook maybe five things. We rotate these at my house…..and we order a lot of pizza and Chinese food. But we put vegetables on them sometimes so that counts right?! LOL

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      5??? Overachiever.

  • http://lessthankate.blogspot.com/ LessThanKate

    Well, I am not a GREAT cook. I’m okay. I make a damn good PB&J, though. My fiance, however, is an amazing cook. He actually makes things FROM SCRATCH. WITHOUT A RECIPE. I? Can make things that have a recipe. An easy one. That I can follow step. by. step. Sean? He just whips up delicious tasting dishes from whatever is in the house. I do enjoy cooking, when I have the energy and motivation to do it – but that combination of being hungry enough to want to eat, but not so hungry that I’d rather just have delivery food quickly brought to my house rather than go through all the steps of making a dinner without eating any of the pieces while making it and then have the patience to wait for it to be cooked – now THAT very rarely happens. Usually? Delivery food. Or “Hey babe, how about you make dinner while I nap? I promise I’ll do all the cleaning up afterwards.” Luckily, he cleans as he cooks, so all I have to do is put our dirty dishes in the dishwasher. It’s a pretty sweet deal, I’m not gonna lie. 

    However, I am glad you are starting to possibly begin learning to cook. I always ask Sean to teach me but usually get too angry with him for “criticizing my mad cooking skills” on one of the first few steps, and it never turns out well. Maybe you should fly to Iowa and we can take a cooking class together. : )

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I’m so lazy, I buy those jars of pre-swirled PB&J. My poor, poor family.

      When I married Harv, I didn’t think to add “cooks like a motherfucker” to my list of Wants in a man, but he loves to cook too and I just thank my lucky stars he does or else we would be starving. I like your fiance. I like that he can feed ya.

      AND HE CLEANS AS HE GOES???? KEEPER, THAT MAN IS A KEEPER.

  • RachelFelson

    Why did they bother to invent the microwave if they were still going to expect me to use shit like the stove and stuff!? It get my food hot. And if I want it cold I stick it in the freezer for a few minutes! What more cooking skills do I need?

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      i think you’ve just distilled my cooking skills down into one paragraph.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=740545211 Tiffy Rose

    I hate cooking toooo!!! All that cleaning up afterwards, and having to stay  in the kitchen instead of drinking wine and watching the Housewives of Love and Hip Hop is not a good time. Real women know cereal is a meal! If only I could get my son to know that too…

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I force my family to use paper plates and cups to reduce clean up. Lazy AND environmentally unfriendly….I am terrible.

      And for realz….cereal can be breakfast, lunch, AND dinner in my house.

  • mwheatcraft

    I love to cook.  It’s kind of an obsession.  I may have ODC too . . . but I love the way food tastes and I love knowing I’m doing something healthy for me and my family . . . and it’s a problem, I know.  My specialties =/= easy.  However, I can throw together a stir-fry in no time – I have a rice cooker that takes the worry out of cooking (seriously, pour 2 cups of water and one thing (plastic cup that came with the cooker) of rice into it, put the lid on, push the button and walk away.  You *could* quite literally buy a bag of pre-cut veggies and toss them in a hot frying pan with a little oil and call it good, but I like to cut veggies from my garden.  Toss the veggies with a little soy, garlic and ginger and I’m good to go.  If I want to get fancy, I make the sauce ahead of time with more goodies like orange peel or pepper flakes, or I turn it Thai by cooking some curry paste with a can of coconut milk (same frying pan technique), then just adding the veggies and cooking until crisp-tender.  You can add meat if you’re so inclined (I’m not, but I’m not judging).

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      You make it sound so easy. That’s always the mark of a pro. They make the most difficult things seem doable.

  • http://mistyslaws.wordpress.com/ Misty

    Cereal sounds about right to me!!

    Actually, I make a mean grilled ham and cheese sandwich.  And peanut butter and jelly.  Yeah, I guess sandwiches are sort of my thing.  I mean, if you count having 2 of something a “thing.”

    And I will be at that Secret Reading That Shall Remain Nameless And Ruin All My Fun By Making Me WAIT To Know What It Is.  And I will be taking lots and lots of pictures.  And if you fall off the stage or pass out from nerves/drunkeness, you damn straight know I will capture all of that on film.  Because I am a good friend.

    I am so flipping excited for this trip I am practically vibrating!!  Oh, and I have a present for you.  ;)  (And Noa, but shhhhh, don’t tell).

    • Jen Reinmuth

      Be prepared, Liz:  Misty’s gifts are epic.  E-P-I-C, I tell you!

      • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        It made me tear up. I love it so much.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Yo, 2 of something is 2 more than me. ;)

      I’m so happy I can say I know you IRL now. You’re my pimp juice.

  • http://xj2608.blogspot.com/ Are You Kidding Me?

    I cook but I’m not inspired.  These days, it’s whatever’s easiest.  My specialty is asking what people want for dinner and then listing the contents of the fridge and freezer.  But, tacos are pretty easy to make and you can be all healthy with them, so I like to make those.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      When I first got married, I tried to do Taco Tuesday. That stopped shortly after I realized that many steps were involved to make that shit happen. Cook the goddamn meat, slice the goddamn lettuce, chop the goddamn tomatoes, chop the goddamn onions, set up the goddamn cheese, sour cream, and shells. And then I still had to sit down and assemble it. Taco Bell for everyone, I say.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/A3XZUQPNJRIWSKHTXV4X2YBLNI kristin delooff

    My specialty is that I can look at a recipe & tell if it’ll be a winner.  Then, I follow all the steps to a T, measure everything and freak the freak out if I’m missing an ingredient ’cause I canNOT improvise.  I’m married to a penny pincher so there’s very little take-out, pizza-ordering ’round here.  I just need a prep chef & a maid to do all the other cooking-related chores & then I’d be in business!

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I always forget at least one step when following a recipe. Or at least one key ingredient.

      I tried making lasagna once without any cheese. I am no longer allowed to make lasagna.

  • Carolyn

    “Yeah, just one. Which step does the microwave come in? That’s how I make my grilled cheese sandwiches.”

    I saw a little tear forming in the corner of her eye. “It’s called a GRILLED cheese sandwich for a REASON.”

    OMG, I looooove it.  Thank you for bringing some much needed cheer to a Monday.  Hysterical, as always!  xoxo

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Thank you for thinking this was funny. I don’t think Jen felt the same way. Not one tiny bit. ;)

  • May

    You are hilarious. I hate cooking aswell. And the only thing I hate more than cooking is cleaning which inevitably follows the cooking process. It’s like an all around bad deal, and in the end I don’t even know if what comes out of it is actually edible. 
    I’m still forced to cook more often than not, since we’re not exactly katrillionairs. There’s very little cooking from scratch and very much “what items is prepped to death so I have to do the least amount of cooking?”. I also run into the idea that since I am a woman, I would have some sort of built in cooking-modus, when half the time I’d rather stay hungry than even turn on the damn stove. 
    Needless to say, my fiance is eating a lot of hot dogs. 

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I’m always down with a little hunger if it means I don’t have to get off the couch. My family does not feel the same way. I guess I don’t have to tell you that I have a high maintenance family.

  • http://twitter.com/RingFingerTanLn Ring Finger Tan Line

    i’m proud of the progress you’ve made in the kitchen. cooking seems really dangerous and catastrophic the first ten times you do it. just like the first eight poached eggs i made looked kind of like a placenta.

    persevere. your reward shall be more cheese.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Poached eggs? Oh, you fancy, huh? ;)

  • Amber Holt

    Grilled cheese and bacon…why have I never heard of (thought of) this before?!

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Super delish. I highly recommend. =)

  • Amber Holt

    Grilled cheese and bacon…why have I never heard of (thought of) this before?!

  • aubry.

    i ate the best pasta of my life in new york. i snapped a photo of its description on the menu as i walked out the door because when i have a chef in heaven, i wanted to remember what he needed to serve me three times a day.  but instead of waiting that long {i could joke about the uncertainty of getting there, but we both know i’m getting there…} i made it myself when i got back.

    ravioli – i got the gruyere and asparagus kind from costco – tossed in a lemon butter sauce. it’s equal parts lemon and butter, melted in a saucepan over the stove – or, the microwave. top it with
    parmesan and chopped pistachios. you’ll want to crack those first.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I love that you know me well enough to remind me to de-shell those pistachios.

      I hate cracking a tooth.

  • http://www.insignificantatbest.com lisa from insignificant @ best

    I despise cooking, but I do it at least 3 to 5 times a week (BOO).  It is a lot of work, especially after a long day of working.  The last fucking thing I want to do is go home and cook.  Fuck that shit.  I do it though becuase we aren’t katrillionaires who can afford to eat out every day (though we do eat out a lot lol) or a cook.  One of these days I’m going to have me a live in cook  One that’ll get up at 3 am and make me crab legs if I have a hankering for some (it’s never happened before, but it could).  i just have to win the lottery and i’ll be all set…

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Cooking is like working after work.

      Winning the lottery is easier than learning how to cook and doing it 3-5 times a week. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

  • http://theeastcoastgirl.com/ Erma

    I watch a lot of cooking shows but don’t make any of the dishes I see them make. Watching people cook tires me out. If it wasn’t a problem, I’d serve my family cereal every day.

    Good luck and have fun at BlogHer this weekend! I want to say “see you there” but I’m still broke and asking for an advance paycheck from a job I have yet to be officially hired for sounded like a bad idea after much thought.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      RIGHT?! I’m so exhausted after an episode of Chopped or Iron Chef. I mean, not that I watch that shit, but sometimes it just happens to be on and I’m too lazy to switch channels. Watching them race around makes me so tired. Too tired to even pour a bowl of cereal.

  • Jen Reinmuth

    I am actually an excellent cook.  Unfortunately, I am also excellent at time-suckage and feel my skill set is best utilized on the couch watching ‘Full House’ reruns on TBS.  This is why I have taught my short people to cook; they learn a skill, I’m off the hook, and it keeps Child Protective Services off of my ass for giving my children scurvy.

    • http://yougotsars.com you gotsars!

      you have mad skills love. And there is something to be said for keeping that scurvy academic from breaking out yo.

      • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        I hear scurvy can be prevented by eating one orange a day. Oranges require no cooking whatsoever. A win-win in my book.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Full House takes precedence over cooking in my book too. Come on now….Uncle Jessie?? I’m going to give up looking at that hair and ass for the kitchen. Methinks not.

  • Sherri

    Skillet Sensations.  Open bag, pour into pan, heat.  Drink wine.  People can eat it or not (The bag has everything- meat, veges, potatoes, no hassles)

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      The first time I bought a Skillet Sensation, I dumped the contents into a pan, added a little water, covered JUST LIKE THE INSTRUCTIONS TOLD ME TO DO, and left the kitchen for 10 min. When I came back, it was still uncooked.

      Turns out, I forgot to turn the stove on.

  • http://yougotsars.com you gotsars!

    well lovely… I can cook like a badass mofo… Between the man and I we have EPIC meals that feed armies. Seriously, I can’t cook for less than six. 
    Next lesson can be at my house. If you’d like, you can just watch and we’ll call it a lesson if you bribe me with vodka. I’ll even say you did it all! (no one reads these comments right? So it will totally be a secret that I just said all that.)  Best part of this post, is now that I know Mrs Clark has skills too… I will be inviting her to have good food and adult beverages with us sometime. And we can trade secrets -without short people to startle us at my place. I hear that she and I both have concussions from this.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1025052888 Jennifer June Clark

       Liz brought Cal with her. That kid is QUIET! I was feeding my Wee Lassies some breakfast, thinking my guests were still hiding in their room, I turned around, and she was standing there; it was like a scene out of “The Shining”!  I screamed and threw milk all over the dining room. When I could breathe, I asked her, “You don’t read my blog, do you?!”

      • http://yougotsars.com you gotsars!

        I promise there will be no mouse like movements around me

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1025052888 Jennifer June Clark

           Cool! Let’s party!

          • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

            Wait, uh, can I come?

          • Jennifer Clark

            Any time, Miss E. Any time.

        • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          Me too!

      • Natasha

        I was reading the comments and had to creepy-like butt in – that is HILARIOUS. our 8yo daughter does THE SAME FUCKING THING. you don’t know how many times i’ve almost peed my pants. my MIL got her one of the gold anklets with the bells on it. yeahhhhh
        small children are creepy

      • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        LOL. She does that to me all the time, Jen. Still ain’t used to it and she lives with me.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Sars- Well, I have the appetite of two people sometimes, so plan accordingly when I come over. Ahem. ;) Just kidding. Maybe.

      I will bring you bottles and bottles and bottles of vodka if you want to do a “cooking lesson.” Please pay special attention to the quotation marks.

      And let’s def make it a threesome with Jen. She is an absolute pleasure. I love her to bits.

      • Jennifer Clark

        Did I mention the distillery our dear friends have just started? Vodka and gin thus far. High end hooch, ladies! Let’s make a date!

        Love you too, Elizabeth! Such a hoot.

      • http://yougotsars.com you gotsars!

        1. (I have to bullet list this shit or I won’t get to answer all the points)
        2. I am not a cheap date sadly, I can only have potato vodka, so usually Chopin… I know. But, I don’t need oodles, I’m also not a heavy drinker when handling sharp objects.
        3. Mrs Clark you will have to tell me about this distillery as the man loves gin.
        4. So par, er “cooking lesson” at my house. We will firm up dates …after school starts as to insure wee ones have better things to do and I have sufficient time to turn the man into the maid so you feel safe eating here without fear of airborne illness.

        Can you feel my excitement? Totally not even drinking right now.

        • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          LET’S GET THIS SHITSHOW ON THE ROAD. I mean, why yes, our lovely dainty little affair sounds splendid and lovely. I will bring the Chopin, both the vodka and the music, since classy gentile ladies like us only listen to classical music.

  • Agentsme

    In my opinion cooking consumes waaaaay too much time. I would say
    that the average meal takes about 3 hours from preparation to eating to
    clean up. I would say that only half hour of that time is spent eating
    the food. Also, add to that the time consumed trying to figure out what
    to cook and you get one humongous time-suck!
    If I had nothing else to do, perhaps I’d enjoy the cooking part (not the prep and dishes) and I’d say that’s very questionable.

    If I did not have kids to feed, I know I would not do it and just eat raw fruits and veggies. My husband an I trade off cooking. He cooks Mo/We/Fri/Su. and I handle Tue/Thurs./Sat. so that way it’s handled. He loves to cook and can spend hours on a salad….  I rotate a few recipies that I know my kids will eat. Can’t wait to win the lottery. Chef is on top of that list (before the maid).
     

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Whoa, I totally like this whole scheduling thing you got going on. I will take every third Tues of every other month…I’ll propose this schedule to Harv and see what he thinks.

  • http://www.nebynw.blogspot.com/ Sarah

    You should come visit. 

    My husband is a CIA (Culinary Institute of America, not a spy, but that would be a funny joke just to fuck with people) trained chef and I have been cooking since I could walk. I’m also a trained pastry (and baking) chef. You know what we cook? Simple shit. Like chicken and broccoli. Salad with tuna. Salmon with tomatoes.I have a couple of recipes that I really like to make like corn souffle (super simple to make, don’t let the word souffle fool you), a really great scallop pasta dish, a shrimp pasta salad, a great spaghetti sauce, and some kick ass veggie quesadilla’s. Besides that(when hubby travels and I’m left alone = lazy)I LOVE grilled cheese, mac and cheese from a box, salsa mixed with sour cream with chips (that’s cooking right?) and sandwiches.My favorite things to make though are baked goods. Like cake, pie and breads. Good thing I don’t do it that often or I would be so fat. :)Love ya.

    • http://www.nebynw.blogspot.com/ Sarah

      Just so you know I had paragraphs that as soon as I posted collapsed together. Everywhere there’s no space after a period is a new paragraph. %#@&*! interwebs.

      • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        It’s a conspiracy. I can feel it.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      You had me at CIA, yo.

      I used to bake as a kid. Not well, and my shit was totally inedible, but it gave me incredible satisfaction. Then, I got a little older and the whole “inedible” part became very discouraging. Let’s bake up a storm. And make it edible.

      Love ya dearly.

      • Sarah

        Love you too, so much. :)

        My door is open anytime you want darlin’.

        • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          I PROMISE I will NOT make you regret this offer.

          Please hide all breakable things before my visit.

          • Sarah

            Will do. :)

  • http://writingwishing.com/ Alison

    Cooking’s easy. It’s the prep that kills me. So opening 7 cans of tomatoes is HUGE. 

    I prefer baking. The end result is better and ALWAYS makes me feel better. 

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Well, you do have TWO kids now. I’m sure the older one will be able to hold a can opener pretty soon. They can’t expect to live there without contributing in some way, can they?

  • chemegirljaime

    I actually really like cooking and baking… one of my favorite cooking recipes is home-made mac n cheese cuz it’s just so warm and gooey and comforting… it’s not really quick and easy though cuz you have to make the cheese sauce from scratch (or at least I do) ..which requires you to stir constantly the whole time so it doesn’t burn. 

    I did get smoke inhalation once from making pancakes.. so I’m with you that cooking is serious bizness yo. 

    good luck!

    • http://yougotsars.com you gotsars!

      now I have so much more understanding… it’s all the smoke inhalation.

      • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        Well, I recently saw a ashtray/spoon rest combo at the hardware store. Could be a different kind of smoke inhalation in my case.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Stir constantly? Might I be able to give up my gym membership?

  • http://thoughtsappear.com/ thoughtsappear

    “A few handfuls of Trix cereal. Or just a glass of Orange Shasta. BAM. Got my weekly serving of fruit right there.”—I like the way you think.

    I can’t wait to see you at BlogHer! What day are you reading? Please say Saturday….

    • http://mistyslaws.wordpress.com/ Misty

      It’s on Friday.  Sorry.  :(  I’ll try to video it if I can get close enough! 

      • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        Thanks for the pics, babe. You done good, babe.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      OMG. YOU WERE THERE? DAMMMMMIT.

  • Brittany Rae Olson

    The ONLY cooking thing I fail at is Grilled Cheese.  I make a mean chicken stir-fry.  I got real good with steaks though I am still learning the med. rare version because I don’t prefer my cow to still be moving.  I have always been good with eggs.  I am trying so hard to learn to cut up things quickly like they do on those “reality” cooking shows.  I also have picked up baking.  I make a great cupcake.  Helps that I trained with my aunt doing wedding cakes for years but I only frosted, not baked.  Oh and boxed mac & cheese.  However my home-made mac & cheese is so much better.  Yep.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Jeebuz. You’re, like, a gourmet chef and shit!

      Eggs are so hard. I just wish those bitches tasted good raw cuz I fail at all preparations.

      • Brittany

        If you ever make it up to MT (p.s. its REAL warm here this year) I can teach you some madd skillz.

        • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          I have always really, really wanted to go to MT. This is the perfect reason to make the trip.

  • Jaimee Hunter

    Some might say I am a titch spoiled. Hubby Dearest is the cook. He also buys the groceries and starts the laundry. I am the cleaner and even that I manage to push off on the Darling Daughter in the form of chores for money. Yeah…I am WELL LOVED. It would be different if they weren’t picky eaters who only want their standards. When they get adventurous, I will cook things like VEGETABLES AND GRILLED CHICKEN. GASP! I make a pretty mean grilled cheese too…get a panini maker. Even the girl child can operate that bad boy. :-) Love ya and love this post! You never fail to make me laugh…what the fork. Greatness!

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      You got a good setup there, mama. Teach me your ways, oh wise one.

  • http://greyskiesnyc.blogspot.com/ Meredith L.

    I detest cooking as well, but according to my husband we can’t survive on spaghetti with sauce from a jar, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And neither can the children. They’re all so damn picky. But that’s how I discovered heat-and-eat meals (microwave!) and the slow cooker. Around noon I throw a bunch of food-like things into the slow cooker, and voila, six hours later I have a fancy dinner.

    See you here in my coast this weekend at BlogHer!

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      You were there? Lordy, I missed out on some good peeps.

  • http://twitter.com/kimberliah78 Kimberliah

    My kids are always rambling that I should be a chef because I make THE best (insert whatever I slopped on their plate that night) EVER!  I always mumble back that I hate cooking and smack them with my spatula…. and then make them set the table ;)

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      LOL. If they look at you with starry eyes and think you are the best…it’s prolly cuz you are. =)

  • Johi Kokjohn-Wagner

    I like to cook, until I no longer like cooking- which has been happening a lot lately. Then I like to order in, because dining out with a two year old can be the fun equivilant of having a fork jammed into your thigh.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Do I remember correctly when recalling that you are somewhat of a domestic goddess? And to think that you’ve never invited me over for a meal. So selfish.

  • http://www.unitedstatesofbecky.blogspot.com/ unitedstatesofbecky

    Oh-my-God, I very much dislike the cooking.  My rule with recipes is that if it has more than say, six ingredients, any ingredients I don’t recognize, and more than two or three steps to prepare – it’s not happening.  Also: bread.  Something they don’t tell you when trying to prepare bread dough: that “warm” water you add the yeast to has to be an exactly perfect temperature and also yeast can’t survive in a metal mixing bowl.  What the fuck?  What kind of wimp is bread yeast, anyway?  My friend who is a master cook says I’m the only person she knows who has actually killed yeast – and more than once.  If you’re interested, I’m adding a link to a post I did about my expert cooking.  

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      You crack me up. And teach me things. Really, no metal bowl for yeast, ey? You’re like my own Betty Crocker. Wait, that’s a compliment, right? Should I have said Julia Child?

      • http://www.unitedstatesofbecky.blogspot.com/ unitedstatesofbecky

        No, Betty Crocker! :) Because I looked at a Julia Child cook book once and damn, that shit looked hard.

        • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          I like that bitch Betty Crocker cuz her book’s always got a lot of pictures. Julia is more about the words. I dont’ do well without pictures. Color pictures.

  • jmejo327

    I pretended to think Bobby Flay was hot.  Then my husband started cooking.  Done.

    • http://newfoundjoye.blogspot.com newfoundjoye

      That’s hilarious!

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      GENIUS.

  • Elizabeth

    I’ve only recently started cooking things that don’t always require my best friend the microwave. Pinterest has been great for that for me. I think I just finally got tired of eating the same damn things over and over….so I don’t know how to get you excited about it. Grilled cheese and bacon sounds AWESOME though……

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Elizabeth- I don’t want to play favorites or anything, but something about your name really appeals to me.

      Strangely, my best friend’s name is also Microwave. Hmmmm.

  • Elizabeth

    ps I am both proud and saddened to report that I have now read the entire blog and have to wait for new entries like the rest of the massess.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I’m so flattered right now. Let’s be best friends. Fuck Microwave.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000219480166 Elizabeth Barnes

        deal. Microwave can suck it. ;)

  • http://newfoundjoye.blogspot.com newfoundjoye

    I like cooking breakfast. It is my specialty. Pancakes, waffles, eggs, grits, bacon, muffins, sausage, biscuits, french toast, you name it…I rule at it. And I make things from scratch (marinate on that for about 5 seconds so it sinks in).

    That being said, I’m not so jazzed about making dinner. I usually end up doing some combination of poultry/seafood, rice/pasta/potatoes, harmonious vegetable pairing. But I like cooking with people. It’s difficult at the moment because I live alone. Cooking for one is certainly not as fun. Lunch is an even sadder affair. I have what I call a “little kid lunch.” Sandwich, chips, applesauce/fruit, and cookies. At least it’s consistent though. I hear that can be good sometimes.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Oh, I make things from scratch too. Just last week, I made pancakes. It was powder when i started but I had to add some water before throwing it into the pan.

      Not like those lazy people who just bust out a premade pancake from the freezer.

      See. I’m gourmet too.

      ;)

  • Lance Lankford

    I thought about cooking, but, there is so much shit to buy!  Plus it all has to be cute and/or brightly colored to fit into my “kitchen concept”. Or my life.
    Too much work just to buy all the crap, so it’s time for a better microwave.
    Good for you, though, feeding a kid! Good thing it’s one you like.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I really feel like you hit the nail on the head.

      I need a perfectly designed/decorated kitchen with all of the latest and best shit before I can start cooking.

      And then I would be too afraid to mess that shit up. Also, I’d be very tired from decorating.

  • http://www.fershers.com/ fershers

    hahahahahaha microwave. that’s funny cos i don’t know how to make a grilled cheese, too.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Well now you know. I did all the extra hard research work just for you, homette. ;)

  • http://confessionsofavi3tbabe.com Vivian

    I have some serious cooking skills Liz. I can fry an egg like nobody’s business, boil that cup of instant noodles like a pro, and grill that cheese sandwich like my life depended on it. Yea, be jealous!

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      If I didn’t like you so much, the jealousy would make me hate you.

  • Roller Scrapper

    Oh I hate cooking but as you know, love to bake, b/c I like to follow instructions. My best “cooking” on a regular day is to follow the instructions on a box of pasta roni and maybe nuke some trader joe’s frozen veggies on the side. Don’t get me wrong, I have made an entire meal like say Thanksgiving…I just don’t enjoy it…except the eating part :)

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Oo….I’ve heard Harv say something about how cooking is more intuitive, but with baking, you’d better stick to the recipe OR ELSE disaster strikes! I tried baking as a kid and kind of loved it, but the only problem was that the shit tasted awful and I got discouraged after awhile. I’ve missed you so much. Hope you and the Captain and the babe are doing well. xoxoxo

      • Roller Scrapper

        Sorry for being absentee, we were on a nice long vacation visiting family for 3 weeks :)
        Sadly I could not read your blog b/c my phone got zero internet connection and I did not want to mooch the computer off of my sister since I didn’t bring mine (gasp!)

        • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          Sorry? Girl, do you know how grateful I am that you still find the time to read this blog? xoxoxoxoxo

  • Roller Scrapper

    I detest cooking but love to bake, as you know, because I love to follow directions. The only “cooking” I do on a normal basis is to follow the directions on a box of pasta roni and nuke some frozen trader joe’s vegetables. Don’t get me wrong, I have made an entire dinner like Thanksgiving, I just don’t enjoy it…well the cooking. I do love the eating :)

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Whoa. Two comments that say almost the same thing but slightly diff wording so I’m assuming my system was being sassy and you had to re-type. I love you for that. ;)

      • Roller Scrapper

        Lol I *thought* I had posted but couldn’t find it so I of course had to retype :-D

  • Rainy Day

    I love to cook but hate to clean. And hate when my offspring hang out under my feet whining about being hungry while I’m trying not to trip over that stack of pans I moved off the top of the stove and all those dishes I probably should load into the dishwasher if only someone would empty it.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Confession: I have never used a dishwasher in my entire life. Not because I like washing that shit by hand, but because I don’t know how to operate one and I’m too embarrassed to ask my husband. Wow, felt good to get that off my chest.

  • http://twitter.com/Olsen_RM Rebecca

    Good for you, trying to be all domestic and motherly and what not.
    LoL

    Do I enjoy cooking?
    NO
    Do I cook?
    Sometimes. I like to shock people.

    I made stuffed shells a few weeks ago…my husband was suspicious.

    “How come you made stuffed shells?” Just because

    “What did you do?” NOTHING, GOD!, See? this is why I don’t cook. I get judged for doing something nice. And maybe I forgot to cancel that old gym membership but that is neither here nor there.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      LMAO. Seeeeeee, he DID have a right to be suspicious. I gotchu, girl, don’t worry, I ain’t gonna tell.

      That is, if you make me stuffed shells.

  • Mrs.Gibbs

    I love to cook and bake and make a cray-cray mess! ONLY because my children are scared the Hell outta me and if I say clean the damn kitchen they CLEAN THE DAMN KITCHEN! That is how you cook but you have to beat the crap outta them til they are in the 5th grade til they really appreciate the discipline.

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I have found beatings to be an excellent form of scaring kids straight. I personally don’t beat Cal, but my mom and dad raised us with a heavy hand, and even now, if they tell me to do something, youbettabelieve I’m on that shit before they even finish the request.=)