Monday Dare: I’m a loser

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. Click on the link to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Stop wasting so much time

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m good at a LOT of things. “What?” you ask. Well, if you must know, I’m incredibly talented at….fuck it, nothing comes to mind right now. WAIT, hot damn, how could I forget? I’m an EXCELLENT time waster.

I know you. You know me. And as friends, the least I can do is spare you from the bullshit I feed my family. Some may say that my family deserves the kind of respect I give you, but those are the same people who don’t have families of their own. Do these judgey people know what it’s like to sit on a cold laundry room floor sorting and unfurling dirty socks before throwing them in the wash even though you’ve asked your family a katrillion times to please not do the “ball your socks into a tiny wad” shit?

When I close my office door and tell these fools I have to “work,” that’s probably the last thing I’m doing. I managed to evade suspicion until they opened the door without knocking first one day and caught me dancing to some dubstep beats while watching myself in the mirror.

Sometimes, I don’t tend to my adult responsibilities for honest and real reasons. I planned to knock some items off my To Do List last Thursday. Just essentials. I never put anything like “Become a better person” on my list because I shy away from tasks that require a lot of work. Plus, it’s good to be an underdeveloped person because I make everyone around me look amazing by comparison. I didn’t accomplish anything because I ended up getting a surprise root canal. I DID manage to check off “Get gas,” but that was only because my car had been running on fumes for most of the week, and I needed gas for my Journey to Dental Hell. When I came home, traumatized from tooth rape, my family accused me of getting a root canal to avoid my chores.

I didn’t really have anything to say in my defense. Mostly because there was no feeling in half my face and I couldn’t talk. But also because if given the choice, I would happily get another root canal over cleaning the greasy spot in front of the stove, even though I slipped in that mess and almost cracked my skull. I’ve learned that head wounds only look and sound dramatic. There’s really nothing important up there anyway.

I have two trips coming up this week. Yesterday, instead of spending precious time packing or stocking the fridge so the “people I love” don’t starve, I spent an hour googling “How to make the perfect paper airplane.” Then, when I realized my precision creasing skills needed work, I moved on to making motivational posters. Like this one:

I would feel more shame if I wasn’t so satisfied with my handiwork.This is not one of those times where I’ll promise to get my act together and become an adult. Let’s keep it real. Baby steps. How about I just stop being so goddamn lazy? That’s good enough for me.Are you a time waster? What are your go-to time wasting activities?

I waste a shitload of time on the Flourish in Progress Facebook page. Help me help you waste time too by “Liking” the page to see original content in your Facebook feed that’s not on the blog.

first image via pinterest

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