Monday Dare: Whatchu gonna do when they come for you?

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Face a fear

I’m afraid of cops. There, I said it.

Also, I never call a cop a “cop” to his face. I don’t think it’s derogatory or anything, but it seems a little too friendly and familiar. It’s always, “Yes, Mr. Law Enforcement Official, I agree it IS a bad idea to use my hands to act out a rap song rather than keeping them on the steering wheel,” or “No, Officer, I most certainly did NOT steal this Dora the Explorer doll from the little kid crying like a bitch in the corner.”

The few times I’ve been pulled over, I’ve never tried to finagle my way out of a ticket. I have my driver’s license, insurance, and registration in hand by the time the cop knocks on my window. Do I behave this way because I’m a good citizen? No, ma’am. It’s the fear all up in this motherfucking weenie heart of mine. It’s kept me on the straight and narrow though. I always come to a complete stop at stop signs. I’ve never murdered anyone. And even if I’m really hungry, I’ve never robbed a pedestrian for their sack lunch. 

So where does this unnatural fear come from? Perhaps it’s the fact that I’ve never been to jail. You know how you inexplicably feel in your gut that you’d be good at something even though you’ve never tried it before? Maybe you’ve never been to a casino, but you know that you’d be an excellent poker player because the burned area on your toast looked like an ace of spades last Tuesday. “That’s the universe talking,” you say.

In that same way, I just know that I would NOT make a good prisoner. Sure, I would buddy around with a guard here and there to ensure decent treatment, but what about the inmates? I would have to learn French braiding or Shiatsu massage really goddamn fast because I suspect that without a special skill, them crazy bitches would gang up and steal my slippers. Then I would have to walk around prison barefoot. I shudder to think how long it’s been since those cement floors have been Swiffered.

I equate cops with jail. If I were smarter, I would know that cops don’t necessarily lead to jail, it’s getting into trouble. But that’s not how my mind works.

Unfortunately, I’ve passed my fear down to Cal. Years ago, when I rolled down my window at a checkpoint one night, she shouted loudly enough for the officer to hear, “PO PO NO!” Ever seen a five-year-old duck down in her Graco booster seat trying to evade the law? Well, someone in the Los Angeles Police Department has now witnessed it. Now, I make positive statements like, “Oh, look at that NICE policeman,” when she’s in the car. I assume that’s what Good Parents do.

I don’t know how I’m working through this Monday Dare. There’s a precinct not far from my house. I suppose I’ll just bring some rice krispies by and hang out and shoot the shit. And I assure you, that’s all I’ll be shooting.

Any irrational/unnatural/unexplained fears?
Run-ins with the law? Both good and not-so-good.

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  • Lauren Marthaler

    I just jumped over here from the comment you left on my blog and am furious at myself that I haven’t been to your blog before.  But at least now I have all of your archives to read whilst my boss thinks I am doing accountingy things.  Sorry boss, wrong again.

    Also, I seriously also mentioned rapping and making hand signs while doing it in my post today too.  Weird.

    This comment seems much too nice and inoffensive for it to have been left by me, so I will add a curse word to the bottom.


    • Misty

      Yeah, that’s much better.  Now I recognize you and shiz. 


      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        Oh, I forgot my swear word at the bottom.


    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Lauren- I’m so glad Maureen introduced me to your blog. 

      I find that having someone think you are doing work is just as good as actually doing the work. Actually, the first may be even better because it’s just less stress. And who needs the anxiety of doing honest work anyway? That’s why I try to find jobs that just let me barely eek by in life. 

  • Lauren Marthaler

    This is by the way.  My work computer is dumb.

    Yep.  It’s definitely the computer that is dumb and not me.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I think our computers may be related. Mine is dumb as shit too. Always telling me I didn’t save this or that. This is the only reasonable conclusion. Yes, that’s it. 

  • Yayagoon

    Im afraid od flamingos and garden gnomes. I waz once told if you look a pjnk flamingo in the eye, garden gnomes will come and kill me in my sleep. Now at 23 i realize thats the stupidest thing ever. But still doesnt stop me from looking at the ground when i. See a lawn flamingo and i stay clear of the zoo exibit. and sure the hell have a gnome free garden

    • Yayagoon

      Sorry for the typos. I suck at typing on my phone

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        I’m impressed you can even comment on a blog from a phone. That is something I’ve never figured out. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      That’s a chance I myself would not take either. I will avoid all future eye contact with flamingos. I don’t want to die in my sleep. My wish is to die at an old age while dancing in a Las Vegas night club.

  • Meredith L.

    I’m afraid of robots, snakes, and Los Angeles. I just know the second I step off a plane at LAX there will be a magnitude 15 earthquake, I’ll get shot in a drive-by, a wildfire will break out at baggage claim, and then a mudslide will wash us all away ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Also, I hear there are no carbs in LA, and I can’t live without pasta and bagels.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      You just described last Tuesday for me. Just kidding. It was only a magnitude of 13 earthquake. 

  • CaliforniaGirl500

    n’t even drive past a cop without thinking he/she is going to whip a U and pull me over for something, anything, just to write get one ticket closer to their quota.  It’s especially scary after a few martinis.  I don’t think a delicate pearl at my age would last long in a drunk tank.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      The delicate pearls always end up being the gang leaders in prison. Truth.

  • FearlessFibro

    I’m afraid of heights, gang rapes, and my daughter growing up to be a stripper.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      OOOOOOO. I second this. Well, the last thing might not be so bad cuz every time I go to a strip club, all the strippers tell me they’re doing it just to pay for medical school. Don’t you want a doc in the family?

  • neal call

    I’ve spent a little time as a researcher in jails, and I’ll always remember one guy I interviewed. He was arrested for stealing scrap iron from a business’ dumpster, which he says was a misunderstanding, and he might have been right. He was college educated, forty-ish, really nice ( in fact, almost everyone I interviewed was really nice, although they DID tell stories about the not-so-nice ones that would try to stab you with filed-down sporks or pencils or what-not if you pissed them off).

    He actually made a pretty good living recycling scrap metal, and had the money to pay for his own bail. He also could have asked friends or family. But he stayed in, because, as he said, he wasn’t really doing anything else, his ex-wife had the kids, he’d never been arrested before, and he kind of thought this would be an interesting experience.

    I interviewed him again a month or two later, and he was definitely ready to get out. “It’s freaking boring in here,” he said.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      This may rank in the Top 10 comments I’ve ever read on this blog. Why? Because you have been inside a prison without committing a crime. You may met a person who chose to stay in. And you managed to write about it in such a breezy way that it was funny as fuck.

      Only a REAL motherfuckin gangsta would actually CHOOSE to stay in jail. 

      Man, I wish I knew you back then. I woulda asked to tag along. I’m fascinated by prisons but I don’t have access like you do. I mean, the kind of access where you can choose to leave of your own volition. I have other ways I could check out prison. Like stealing scrap metal.

      • neal call

        To be honest, I was nervous at the beginning, but then I realized that it was mostly a bunch of kids in there with more muscles than brains, but mostly with good hearts.

        Still, when my brother decided that he was an anarchist and started protesting NATO and WallStreet and Publix and old people, I told him, “just don’t get arrested, bro. You’re the kind that would get raped. Seriously, stay out of prison.”

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          I’m not sure there’s a better way to show real love than to make sure your bro don’t get raped. Good lookin out. 

  • Misty

    PO PO NO is probably one of the funniest things I have heard of a little person saying.  And my kids say ridiculously funny things on the daily, so there’s that.  I might try that the next time I get pulled over.
    I am ever so frightened that one day I will mouth off to the wrong judge, be found in contempt, and locked up with the jackholes I normally only deal with in court.  Oh my, won’t it be a feeding frenzy then.  I’m too cute and lawyerly to go to prison!
    And yeah, those bitches would eat you alive girl!!  Best to learn a skill, fast!  Or at least make sure some of your gang gets locked up with you, so you have protection.  I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to walk on those floors, even with slippers.
    PO PO NO is probably one of the funniest things I have heard of a little person saying.  And my kids say ridiculously funny things on the daily, so there’s that.  I might try that the next time I get pulled over.
    I am ever so frightened that one day I will mouth off to the wrong judge, be found in contempt, and locked up with the jackholes I normally only deal with in court.  Oh my, won’t it be a feeding frenzy then.  I’m too cute and lawyerly to go to prison!
    And yeah, those bitches would eat you alive girl!!  Best to learn a skill, fast!  Or at least make sure some of your gang gets locked up with you, so you have protection.  I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to walk on those floors, even with slippers.

    • Misty

      Holy double comment, batman!!  Sorry about that.

      Sorry about that.  (Damn, apparently I can’t stop!!).  ;)

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress


    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Nah dawg, double commenting was good. I got to enjoy that shit twice. 

      Plus I got to laugh twice at the thought of you being locked up with them insane motherfuckers. But perhaps you could sneak your phone in and take some pictures of their poor wardrobe pictures. That could totally work out to be a bonus.

  • Rachel B

    My biggest fear growing up was immaculate conception. All the bullshit of a baby with none of the fun of making it. Let’s just chalk this irrational fear up to a VERY conservative Christian upbringing and leave it at that otherwise I might need to explore this issue further with a therapist. 

    As far as run ins with the Po Po are concerned, I’ve always managed to talk my way out of tickets but the last time was a close one – I was slowing down as I pulled into town off of the highway and may have been sliding in a bit over the speed limit. I assumed, wrongly it seems, that the police in this particular country would not understand the laws of physics if I talked with an authoritarian voice and said, “I couldn’t have been speeding officer because the car in front of me wasn’t speeding and I wasn’t overtaking it.” It turned out that these officers did have a grasp on basic science and were pissed that I’d assume otherwise. To be fair, ridiculous statistics and an authoritarian voice has gotten me out of a lot of binds. It was pure luck and handing over my friend’s phone number with the promise of a date that I managed to get off without a ticket that day.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I feel that this would be a safe and appropriate time to mention that every time I had a tummyache as a kid, I thought I might be pregnant. Bible Study can twist your brain when you’re 7. I only heard bits of the lesson, as I was too busy doodling in my notebook, so I prolly only heard that part that Mary just woke up one day with a baby in her belly. 

      And OMG, I give out my friend’s phone numbers at clubs and bars all the time. For no good reason other than I am a shitty friend! Getting out of a ticket is totally a justified reason. 

  • Andi

    I am afraid of anyone in authority.  This extends to not only cops, but doctors, school principals, teachers, other parents, other adults, really big kids…I should probably see a therapist, except the few times I tried that, I was afraid of the therapist too.
    The only time I’m not afraid is when someone ticks me off and I’m absolutely convinced I’m right.  I once threatened to pee on a gas station floor because they wouldn’t let me use the bathroom.  In my defense, I was six months (obviously very) pregnant and you don’t get between a pregnant woman and a bathroom.  EVERYBODY knows that.  So I was right — and I got the bathroom.  Too bad I can’t harness that force at other times.  

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I sometimes forget that I am also a parent and a grown ass adult and get all scared and shit when the teacher comes over to talk to me in the schoolyard. My first thought is, “I don’t even go to this goddamn school! How did I manage to get in trouble this time??”

      You so gangsta when yous all preg and shiz. 

  • maureen

    I feel awesome that I introduced Lauren to you by posting one of your blogs on her blog, and then she came back here…I feel all cozy and important like I produced something today- which is hard to do when you work for city government.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Looooovvvve connection. You are the only reason I know about her blog and I am all kinds of thrilled that you gave me a shout out on it. Thank you so much. 

  • maureen

    Oh, and I too have an irrational fear of police. People love the fire department, are blase (pretend there’s an accent there over the e) about the library, but hate the police. I think it’s the guns.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Also, handcuffs. I have a small bladder and I can imagine this coupled with restraints would probably lead to bad, bad things. 

  • Sarah

    OMG. Yet another way that we are sisters. I am irrationally afraid of cops myself, and I’m typing this kinda drunk so please forgive any typos. Please note I am not doing anything for a cop to notice.

    I see a cop while I’m driving and I sit up straighter, I make sure I’m not texting while I drive even though that’s a number one rule no-no because I’m terrified of them as it is. I hear a siren and I think, is that for me? Even though, I’M DOING NOTHING WRONG. When I was in an accident two Octobers ago I still asked the cop if I was okay to go even though I had nothing to do with causing the accident at all. Hi, I’m afraid of cops. :) One thing I love about New Jersey is that you barely see a cop at all, cuts down on the anxiety. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Get your drink on, girl. Ain’t no shame as long as you’re not doing anything cop noteworthy while you’re at it. =) Man, I want a drink now too. it’s too bad we don’t really keep alcohol in the house. Ugh. 

      Wait….less cops in NJ? Hmmmmm…..I change of scenery might be nice. 

  • Are You Kidding Me?

    My irrational fears are transitory.  Never the same thing twice…

    I don’t fear cops, though, because I work with them.  They’re like regular people only with worse tunnel vision.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I will try to remember the “regular people” part next time I see one. It will help me from running away screaming. Probably.

  • Bill-The Authentic Life

    I am afraid that I will never have a stripper dressed as a cop show up and put me under house arrest.  But, I’m pretty sure that is a rational fear that everyone has, right?

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      You mean this hasn’t happened yet? Email me your address. 

  • Ally Gregory

    I’ve only ever had a couple of speeding tickets. However, every single time a cop is behind me I get so fucking nervous that they are going to pull me over and arrest me, that I usually try and turn off really quickly so that they aren’t behind me anymore.

    Of course, I also have the fear of being arrested because due to my charming sense of humor when getting tattoos, I will be placed in the gang cell. I really should have considered this before getting “Thug Life” on my stomach.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      At least the tat is not on your neck. ;)

      I’ve been considering a Thug Life tattoo. Except I would put the T in parentheses so i could either be hardcore or cuddly…depending on my mood.

  • Alison

    I’m afraid that one day I’ll wake up stupid.

    Yeah, I know, WTF?

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Not a chance. 

      Although, if you have two kids that keep you up late into the night and you lack sleep, you could wake up with a little brain fog.  

  • Amanda

    I’m afraid of cows.  They’re huge!  And it’s not like they move when you say Shoo.  If you hit one with your car, your car bounces backwards.  I’m not sure if anything even happens to the cow.  They’re beasts!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I was JUST talking to my family about how goddamn huge cows are. They make them look all cute and cuddly in dairy commercials, but some of them are as tall as me. And they are like a WALL. So dense and so strong. I don’t even know how people tip cows over. 

  • Miranda Kaye

    Yay, I can comment now! :) I almost got arrested for a DUI, but I wasn’t drunk. I had just left the bar and could feel I was going to be sick. So I was driving like 90 down the highway and BAM, threw up. In my car. All over my leg. I get pulled over, they said I could either go to jail or call someone to come get me. I said “I will take a test, I’m not drunk.” He said I wasn’t driving anywhere. So he takes my phone and calls my Mom….needless to say, it was the worst night ever, but at least I didn’t go to jail. They never even gave me a ticket.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      The worst WORST night would have been if you ended up in jail. But having a cop call your mom ranks right up there. 

      Cuz my mom’s wrath would be far worse than my fellow inmates. 

  • Alexandria Campbell

    PO PO NO! That is utterly awesome!
    I’m a little shaken up by the police. I remember I was about 17/18 & got pulled over for something & I was shaking so bad. The officer {because I also think its disrespectful to address them as cops} actually said “Ma’am your shaking your ok. I’m not even giving you a ticket”

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Oh man, waiting in your car for the cop to come over is the longest 10 seconds ever. By the time they are at my window, I am all sorts of crazed and I totally understand why you’d be shaking. Although….if I were to hear that I wasn’t getting a ticket, I might relax a little. Probably not much though.

  • Ann

    I am absolutely terrified of doctors to the point that mine keeps trying to put me on blood preassure meds.  Then when I am taking them and have my chart of my blood preassure at home she can’t figure out why it’s dangerously low at home, and too high at her office. (the woman just refuses to believe that it’s her)

    I am also super afraid of being sedated to the point that I have attacked a dental assistant when they tried to sedate me to pull out my wisdom teeth  (it was done under local).  I have had my knee set under local too, because my adrenaline was so high that the seadative just wasn’t working.  (that just freaks out all the medical people and the entire office keeps peeking in to see if it’s true)

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      OMG, the thought of being remotely conscious during any of those makes my blood pressure go up! My motto is “Knock me out or I’ll knock you out.” Or something like that. I’ve never actually said those words, but I’m thinking it. 

      All my years of drug use have made me incredibly tolerant to certain things like anesthesia. I just keep on asking them to pump me full until my eyes roll back. 

      Docs…and their tools…scare me too. 

  • Elle Persephone

    I want to be whored out on your blog! How much?

    Do NOT like police. People wearing uniforms in general make me itch a little. I think it can go to people’s heads and often does. I think the starting age for a police officer should be 30 years so they have life experience to draw from. I think the young guys are really ridden hard by their co-workers and creates an environment where they have have to “prove themselves”. This is how mistakes happen.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Shall we email about the sidebar ad? I’m flourishinprogress at gmail dot com. 

      The pressure from colleagues to be tough or prove something always leads to trouble indeed. 

  • Kelly

    I also have the fear of PO PO, and I might be in trouble. My son started the police academy yesterday! On the other hand now maybe I can resolve the fear by being douchy to my kid when he is dressed up in his uniform…then laughing when he tries to arrest me.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      You’ve totally got an IN with the Po Po now! 

      I hope Cal doesn’t become a cop. It would cause me to be even more reckless. You better believe I would toss her name out there every time I “accidentally” made an illegal u turn. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Oh, and good luck to your son!!

  • Mrs. One Day

    Actually I just started going to therapy for a fear I have. Ever since I almost died back in December, I’ve had a terrible fear of dying, go figure. It’s sort of becoming a really big problem and the panic attacks are coming more frequently, so hopefully my shinky dink can help me.

    Other than that, I’ve always been afraid of frogs. *shudder*

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Girl, I’m so glad to hear that you have someone to talk to and help you through this fear. You are just too awesome and wonderful to have this fear keep you from living and doing all the things you want in life. 

      Frogs= no bueno.

  • Crystal (aka C-Dawg)

    OMG, I was always nervous around cops as a kid – I remember my mom and I were walking along and I saw a cruiser…with an actual cop in it. The cruiser caught my attention, so I looked over and he waved at me, which prompted me to hide behind Mom. She assured me that “the policeman is your friend,” but it took me a while to believe her.

    I’m terrified of bees and I’m afraid of strangers when there’s something big or important that depends on how my interaction with said stranger goes (i.e., cold-calling a company I want to work for, talking to a guy I’d like to date, etc…)

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Oo, just thinking about those times I had to talk to a guy I wanted to date makes my heart leap up to my throat. I always wanted to take a drink or two beforehand, but when I drink, I tend to say and do really stupid shit, so I just had to let that fear and anxiety wash over me.

  • Cyndy DysFUNctional Mom

    I was meeting a friend at a park the other day just after dark (sounds shady but I swear it wasn’t.).  I’m sitting in the car minding my business and FIVE fucking cop cars pulled up.  No joke.  Apparently they’d received calls of shots fired in the area.  Turns out it was fireworks.  And I had NOTHING to do with it!  
    It was almost as much fun as just last week when I got pulled over because my ex-husband unregistered my car without telling me.  He’s quite a charming bastard.  I could have went to jail for that.  Thank GOD I’m cute!
    I’ve had enough cops in the past few weeks to last me a lifetime!!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Holy hell, there is no way I would not scream PO PO NO if I had two events occur like that in such a short amount of time. If five cop cars pulled around me, I would just….I don’t know…scares the shit out of me just to think about it. 

      Glad to hear the ex in front of husband. Doesn’t seem like a fine fella to me. 

  • ColdBlooded

    I am insanely afraid of the dark. My chest tightens up and everything. Unnatural – yes. 

    I’d rather not deal with cops either.  

    • Lesley Leach

      I’m the same way with the dark!

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        I didn’t know other adults felt this way. Glad to know it’s not just kids. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Alaina- When I’m in bed at night and it’s totally dark, I swear I hear all sorts of creepy noises. But they probably don’t really even exist. Aint no shame in a nightlight. Or at least I tell myself that. 

  • Lesley Leach

    I hate the police here in MD. They are mean and drive all sorts of cracra. I mean THEY should be pulled over and given tickets. Ever since I’ve moved here I’ve been afraid of them. One time I was bringing my cat home from an emergency cat treatment at the emergency vet place and it was dark and I had just watched the news and the news said some creepy person was following to closely to ppl and they would “hit” them. Causing them to get out of the car and then rob them. So a cob comes up behind me, but its dark and he’s following me as if the world had shrunk and he needed to be like an inch near me. And I was freaking out and then realized it was a cop. And if he had pulled me over I would have been all: JERK! My cat was maybe dying! If I can’t drive straight its because I was in SHOCK! *knock on wood for my cat not to ever die until the day I die* and then ANOTHER incident I had here in MD *and I lived in AK before and never EVER had one* was I was driving and a cop pulled me over, and I was driving my moms car at the time.

    He was all: Miss do you know your light is out?

    Me: No!!! *freaking out, and I had no make up on*

    Cop: Is this your car ma’am?

    Me: NOOOOO!!!! *Freaking out even more and close to crying and THEN ANOTHER police car showed up and flank the first one* and I was all: Its my moms car!

    And then he gave me a warning and I went straight as SHIT to someone who could install a damn light and ever since I”ve been afraid of the police.

    That was a long story. SORRY! :-/

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Girl, I would be scared as shit too. I mean, you’re already stressed and worried and then you got additional anxiety from the news story (one of the reasons I don’t watch the news. All it does is instill more worry or sadness in me).

      I got that tail light ticket once. It was very annoying because I didn’t have the money to spare at the time to pay it, but more than that, how am I supposed to know that my taillight is out? I think a notice is fine but a ticket is just so wrong. 

  • Noa Gavin

    Yes, I have had a recent run-in with the law when a dick cop gave me a speeding ticket, and then I was mysteriously issued an arrest warrant about 2 weeks later. Sutpherney at the court house assured me it was given in error and cleared out, but I carry around a little note to that effect because if anyone will be mistake-arrested, it will be me.

    I hate that this is a true story. 

    • Jen

      Meh, I’ve been arrested.  It’s like losing your virginity; the first time it’s scary but after that it loses its intrigue.

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        Jen-At least you can’t get pregnant from being arrested. Normally.

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        Uh, why did you get arrested? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. 

        Yes you do. 

        • Jen

          Stories for New York, my friend.  So.  Many.  Stories.

          • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

            Don’t tell them to me while we’re sober. Alcohol has a way of making ALL the good nitty gritty details come out.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Noa- Goddamn, that is so badass. I would frame that shit and wear it around my neck as an accessory. And if anyone tried to pull me over, I would just point to it, say “You can’t touch me, fucker” and drive off. 

  • LessThanKate

    Your fear of cops is totally normal. I will be going 25 in a 25 and still slow down to like 3 mph when I see a cop out of complete fear. I know this makes me more suspicious, but it’s a natural reaction and I seriously can’t help it. 

    As for irrational fears – well there’s a few. Clowns freak me out. Ladders (climbing them – not just ladders in general) scare me. I’m always afraid the ladder is going to fail in some way, and I am going to come crashing to the ground and break every bone in my body. I have never broken a single bone in my body, and I’d like to keep it that way. Also? I hate being in the middle of a crowd during concerts. People go CRAZY during concerts, and I’m only 5’2″. I just keep envisioning myself getting trampled, or a massive fire starting and me not being able to get out of the crowd to get away. Probably the MOST irrational, but I am terrified of hotels with exterior corridors (you know – doors to the outside). I just think if some rapist murderer was on the loose in that area – it would be a lot easier for him to get to my room with the door on the outside than if he had to walk through the interior halls of my hotel. It’s probably not true at all, but that is totally how I feel. Also – conjoining rooms at hotels when you don’t know whose on the other side can freak me out too – but not as much as those exterior corridor rooms. Ick. And lastly – horses. Those bitches could kick me off and step on me and kill me in a second. They are just so huge and fast and powerful. Terrifying.

    So yeah – that’s that. I admitted it. I’m afraid of like a bajillion things. I’m a complete baby.

    Hope all is well with you! : )

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Yesterday, I was totally driving the speed limit and when I got to a stop sign, I saw a cop coming from the other direction. I was stopped for so long at the sign that I’m sure I looked totally suspicious. Like I was a drug dealer or something on a run. I look like a drug dealer, yes? 

      I don’t even like to climb those little stools they have at the bookstores. I imagine it tipping and causing some kind of domino reaction where I will be buried until at least 600 books. 

      Cal loves horses so I took her to get a few lessons. While I was watching, I saw a woman preparing her horse to ride and that motherfucker kicked her shin. She just kind of shook it off like it was no big deal, but I’m not sure how her leg didn’t split in two. 

  • Geoffrey Taylor

    I can definitely relate, whenever I see a cop, I slow right down to about 5mph under the speed limit.  Hands at 10 and 2 and don’t make eye contact with the cop under any circumstances.  Mostly because I drive an old rusty car and am half black, I have to worry about them arresting me and beating me for the felony of Driving-While-Mixed.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Hands at 10 and 2 is key, I think. Every upstanding citizen I know drives like this. But I also try not to get into a car if they are the ones driving. Because they like to go the speed limit or some crazy shit like that. I take those numbers are mere suggestions. And bad ones at that. 

      Dude, I hear that felony is a real thing from my mixed and black friends. That is some serious bullshit and it makes me angry just thinking about it. 

  • Addie VanDreumel

    I got pulled over with my mom as a passenger, and I was driving her car. Her purse was in the trunk, so as the cop was walking to the car, mom jumps out and lunges for the trunk. There was some shouting to get back in the car but it ended well. I guess if she’d gotten arrested it’d be a better story but that’s all I’ve got. Oh, and I agree, cops are scary!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Good thing you refrained from screaming, “DON’T WORRY, I HID THE DRUGS REAL GOOD.” 

      But that would have been a good story to tell over Thanksgiving turkey. In prison. 

  • Banana Stickers

    I have a slew of irrational fears, including, but not limited to: caterpillars, oxygen and propane tanks, enclosed spaces, the robot apocalypse, cat ladies, heights, serial killers, and dying alone. Cops, thankfully, don’t freak me out, but I’m overcome with guilt everytime I’m near one, AND I DON’T KNOW WHY.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      It’s like we’re the same person. I’m afraid those tanks are going to blow up in my face if I stand too close to one. Caterpillars are kind of gross looking. They have those weird bumpy looking things. Shit is creepy, yo. 

      I don’t want to die alone. That’s why I plan to spend an inordinate amount of time at dance clubs when I’m really old. If I’m gonna go, I’m gonna go out listening to some bumpin’ bass.

  • newfoundjoye

    I have an unnatural fear of bees. It’s embarrassing at times. Picture a Honda Pilot with me sitting in the very back between two other people. Then, because my mom is being waaaaaay to nonchalant with her window and the placement of her hand, she waves a bee INTO the car. Insert my bloodcurdling freakout here as I cannot get away. Oh, I didn’t mention that this occurs during the vehicle check before getting onto a military base. Yeah…

    I’m not sure that I am allergic to bees or anything, but they just really scare me. The idea that they inject you with poison. The fact that Macauly Culkin’s (wow, his name is weird when you type it out) character totally died in My Girl has forever traumatized me. Plus, bees are hardcore. Japanese honey bees take out lone hornets by luring them into a trap (their own nest) and covering them with some ridiculous number like 500 bees that vibrate their wings until it becomes so hot that the hornet dies. A few of their own die too, but it’s the good of the nest at this point. Now imagine you as that hornet with say 10,000 bees…*shudder*

    • Lesley Leach

      I’m the SAME WAY about bee’s and wasps. When I mow the lawn and if there is a bee or wasp that comes to see what I’m doing ai scream loudly and run down the hill and out into the street flailing about. Then I laugh at myself and wonder if my neighbors saw me being all weird and crazy.

      Also, did NOT know that about the Japanese honey bee. I would hate to be a hornet….

      • newfoundjoye

        Until yesterday, there was the beginnings of a wasp nest starting on my balcony. Then, my friend rescued me by taking it down with water, soap, and vinegar. I helped by not screaming.

        I think that we have the same reaction to bees. Only difference is that no one would need to question my motive. They’d see me screaming and know that a bee must be somewhere nearby.

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          “I helped by not screaming.”

          I just fucking laughed till I cried. 

          Because that’s the way I also help in a lot of situations.

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        Lesley- Wait, wait….that whole running/flailing thing is totally not crazy or weird. I’m all about self-preservation. And not crying like a little bitch cuz I let a bee or a wasp sting me. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Joye- I too shuddered with this newfound knowledge. Damn, who knew those bitches were so conniving…luring and wing vibrating and shit. You know it’s hardcore when they let their own die. 

      I once got stung on the butt by a wasp while I was in a tanning bed. Small space+angry stinger= scream from hell. At least they refunded me my money. 

      • newfoundjoye

        And I bet you still go back to the tanning salon too. If I needed to tan and that happened to me, you’d best believe I’d keep my pale behind looking like a Tim Burton protagonist from that day forward.

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          You are totally correct. I still go even with this threat because otherwise, I would be translucent.

  • Erin@MommyontheSpot

    I think rice krispies would be a nice way to break the ice.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      They probably wouldn’t be homemade though. Because that’s one surefire way to get on their bad side. 

  • FunnyOrTragic

    My first memory of a cop wasn’t technically a cop.  When I was 16 my older sister got married.  We had a bachelorette party for her, and she got plowed.  She was a wee bit loud.  And a cop came up asking if there was a problem.  (We were sitting outside at a restaurant).  He started talking about the noise, and then that we should make some more!  In two seconds flat he’d ripped off his pants and was flinging his spandex-clad junk in her face.  Both my sister and I were humiliated, but my mom was braying like a donkey and my sister’s friends were cheering on too. It kinda ruined me on cop fantasies–I was scarred.  I’m sure my sister would have been too, if she remembered the evening.  

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I don’t know your ma, but I adore her. 

      Being drunk off my ass has saved me from remembering many traumatic things. It is far better to hear about some events through other people’s tales. 

      Who hired the gigolo cop???

      • FunnyOrTragic

        It was my mom.  I’d bet her kidney on it.  

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          I didn’t think I could adore your mama more, but I’ve just been proven wrong. 

  • unitedstatesofbecky

    Great post.  I have two fears that everyone around me considers irrational, but that’s because they are dumb.  1.) Psycho killers.  Machete-wielding maniac types who live in corn fields and forests and shit.  It’s possible I’ve seen too many movies and have an overactive imagination.  I prefer to call it common sense.  2.) Fucking lawn gnomes.  I keep telling everyone they are flesh-eaters and blood drinkers, but they don’t listen.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I know someone with a lot of lawn gnomes. Not well, as I try not to befriend weird motherfuckers, but I do find him (yes, a him!) totally fascinating. Those bitches are always very, very clean and well kept. Bet he goes out at night to wash them and shit cuz the gnomes mind control him. Just a theory. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Oh, stay out of corn fields and forests. I don’t want to lose you.

  • Quimsical Audecdotes

    We at Quimsical Audecdotes actually had quite the run in with the law. You should check it out on our page! Great post! I’m upset that I didn’t discover this blog before!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Are you now….bonafide criminals? Please say YES. I could also use more thug life friends. 

  • Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd

    I’m afraid  of being swept up in a tornado with a shark. Nah, I’m just kidding, I’m afraid of people.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I would pick dueling it out with a shark in a cyclone of wind rather than dealing with certain people in my life any damn day. 

  • you gotsars!

    So I mostly fear failure, which I don’t find totally irrational. I do however find it to be completely stupid since I am only a failure if I allow it to be so. Beyond that, meh… Whatever will be. (wow I even wrote that with a straight face! hahahaha)

    I fear too much and am in therapy to correct it. I’ll let you know if I learn any tricks.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I fear failure so much that I often have trouble starting anything. I’m just convinced that it’s going to blow up in my face. I have to give myself little motivational speeches and shit for a long time before I do anything. And then most of the time I fail. Hmmmmmm…….maybe my fear is not unfounded. 

  • Jen

    I’m deathly afraid of jack-in-the-boxes as they combine the two most freaking terrifying things on the planet: clowns, and being enclosed in small spaces.  Oh, and of course the whole ‘now-I’m-going-to-randomly-jump-out-at-you-and-make-you-lose-your-shit’ thing.  ((shudder))

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Well, I hear there are a lot of clowns in prison. They don’t have the makeup or the wig or anything, but they still have the manical laughter and bulgey eyes. Plus the whole small spaces thing. It’s probably best if you stay out of jail, my dear friend. 

      • Jen

        Yeah, I just can’t rock the prison jumpsuit.  And blaze orange?  SO not in my color palette.

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          I have heard many reasons to stay out of jail, but not having prison color flatter one’s skin tone has got to be the best.

  • Rollerscrapper

    I have an irrational fear of ET, you know the extraterrestrial…yeah I said it was irrational. :)

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      That mofo is scary looking. I completely understand. I mean, imagine waking up to that standing next to your bed. *shudder*

  • Elizabethjayneliu

    insert comment guideline message right above