Monday Dare: Are you dating a mofo? An assessment checklist

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Dish out dating advice. (Disclaimer: I’m not an expert in this field. Well, maybe I am. I have, after all, dated every sad loser on this side of the Prime Meridian.)

It’s weird to write about dating since I haven’t been in the dating game for a minute. I’ve forgotten the fine art of giving out my phone number and then waiting and sometimes staring at my cell phone, willing it to ring. Ok, that’s a lie…that shit is burned into my brain the way an image of a fat man in super small stretched-out Speedos running along the rocky sand of a cold dirty Los Angeles beach still gives me chills at night.

I have a lot of single girlfriends. Some are single by choice. Others are single by chance. And I talk to all of them about what it’s like to navigate the Frosty Waters of Dating.

I find myself holding my tongue a lot. Mostly because I’ve found that when a girlfriend is sprung on some new flavor of the week, no amount of levelheaded advice is going to get through to them, but also because there is a very slim (VERY SLIM) chance I could be wrong about this new shady-ass motherfucker. I’m all about chances. Ok, no, that’s a lie too. I’m not all about chances. I’m just all about keeping my friends because if you’re dubbed The Nagger Friend, then you’re pretty much on The Outs when it comes to all the good gossip, and let’s be real here….I fucking live for gossip. In fact, if you have some juicy news you want to spread, just email me. It’s Monday. I could use a little bit of sparkle in my life.

I dig checklists. They’re simple. Throw an article at me about String Theory, and I won’t be able to digest one word. But put the same information in a checklist and I’ll rattle off the basics of theoretical physics like it’s the plot line from my favorite Nicholas Sparks movie. Don’t hate. That Nicholas is a motherfucking pimp.

Are You Dating an Asshole? An Assessment Checklist:

1. Is he saying things that would normally alarm a rational thinking person?

Most of the time, men tell you exactly what they mean. Really, they do. Sometimes, it’s a little indistinguishable because the alcohol is making them slur or they’re coming down from a really bad cocaine binge, so you have to smash the phone really hard into your ear and walk into your closet to hear the under-enunciated words. But if he’s saying it, you should probably listen. Phrases to watch out for include: “You’re not the one for me,” or “I don’t know what I’m doing with you here,” or “I can’t really accept who you are.” I’ve heard all of those lines said to me at one point or another. Guess what I did? I just ignored that shit and kept right on. And guess what happened? Nothing. Because eventually, the words become louder and totally unavoidable and before you know it, you’re watching the Academy Awards and you see your man walking down the red carpet with another girl on his arm who isn’t you and you’re thinking….”Wait just a minute here….”

If you hear any of these things being said to you, RUN. Seriously, just put on those flip flops and get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, girl. You’ll thank me later. Trust me.

2. Are you a secret? Is he a secret? 

Step back and honestly assess this shit, friends. Are you pretty much a nonexistent entity in his life except behind closed doors? Do his friends even know you exist? He doesn’t need to make paper flyers declaring his interest, but if you’re not on his public radar, then you’re probably only on his pubic radar.

Conversely, are you ashamed to tell your friends about him? Maybe he’s immersed in a whole bunch of questionable or illegal activities. Maybe he’s been to jail. Now, I’m not saying everyone who’s been to jail is a bad person. Frankly, I’m a little surprised I haven’t spent some time there myself, but I figure it’s only a matter of time before I’m known to my community as Inmate 217 (which, coincidentally, used to be my pager code because “217” is “Liz” upside down and backwards. I know, I have way too much time on my hands).

3. Is it one-sided? 

Does he ever ask you about your day? Is it all about his happiness? Does he even give a fuck about how you feel…about anything? You don’t have to think too long about these questions. It’s obvious and apparent when someone has an interest in you and your well-being. Maybe he remembers to ask about work when he knows you’re having a stressful day. Maybe he asks you about your family when he knows some shit is going down, and you’re secretly devastated on the inside, but you’re doing that whole martyr front so you look all strong and grown-up on the outside.

4. Does the motherfucker not call you?

Maybe you’re the one making all the effort. Who’s calling whom? Are you trying to know someone who only bothers to talk to you Monday- Friday while he’s spending those tortured hours at work, and he can’t watch porn on the company computer so he asks you to send him a little picture here and there to pass the time?

5. Do all of his ex-girlfriends hate the shit out of him? 

Look, if you’re talking to someone who had to change his home address, phone number or place of employment after a relationship because the newest person he fucked over happens to want him dead, then he’s probably not right for you. Sure, you can kid yourself and claim that you’re going to be the one to change him, but let’s be real…who has that kind of time these days? I don’t even have a fucking dog because I can’t tame an animal. I sure as hell don’t see what kind of wonder-woman has the time, patience and wherewithal to change a man-child. Don’t be delusional.

If you answered “yes” to ANY of these questions, then you should probably do this:


What did I miss? Ever dated an asshole?

P.S. I think of stupid things and post them on an almost daily basis on the Flourish in Progress Facebook page. “Like” the page to feel smarter than at least one person every day.

P.P.S. If this post resonates with you, I’m really sorry about that because clearly you’ve dated a motherfucker. Please share the post so we spare other bitches from going through the same thing.
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  • Misty

    I once “dated” this guy.  I put that in quotes because we never once went out anywhere.  Our relationship consisted of me driving to his apartment and basically delivering him a booty call.  He treated me like shit and I ate it up.  In my defense, I was young (17) and stupid, but I should have run away from him so fast and not hung around for months of abuse.  The only thing I got out of that relationship was a Pink Floyd concert T of his that I stole, and luckily no venereal diseases.  I mean REALLY luckily.  I found out later that we was sleeping with the greater Baltimore population of skanks while we were “dating.”  What a sweetheart that one was.  Where were you with this advise when I needed it, Liz? 

    • Beatriz

      This guy I dated once, basically had me as his side piece and I didn’t even realize it. He had his wife and I both fooled about the whole situation. He had two completely separate lives. Payback was a bitch though, we both found him out and sent him packing with nothing in hand.

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        B- I hope y’all did some twisted Lifetime movie shit on his ass. 

      • Onelittlefishie

        Oh, I bet he had *something* in his hand…. doh!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Misty-I can’t ever decide if knowing a stupid motherfucker when you’re younger makes you wiser about watching out for them or just leaves a bad taste in your mouth that every dude afterwards has to pay for. 

      I’m glad you came out of that without having to take antibiotics.

    • Jody

      I was in the exact. same. situation. Only in Indiana. And yes, lucky I got out of there without some jacked up disease.
      I even tried to warn the next little girl (I say that because she was only 16 to my 17) but she didn’t listen. Guess we have to learn these things for ourselves.

  • Becca (aka SMC)

    I’m really like your “does the motherfucker not call” rule. That should be right up there at the top. If he’s not calling you time to pack it up and move on. You are pretty awesome at this dating advice. PS Where were you when I needed you, like 10 years ago, hahaha! :)

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Oh girl, I would have been completely useless 10 yrs ago. Let’s see…that would make it 2002? I was dating a mofo who abused meth and liked to randomly knock on my door at 3 am to make sure I was home and not out cheating on him. 

  • Perfectly Single

    Why aren’t you my best friend?!? I needed to have those questions asked to me daily for the last 2+ years and my friends wouldn’t do it!! :)

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Shall I ask these questions to you now? And now that I’ve read most of these other comments, I have about 20 others I could ask you as well. You’re about to get a comprehensive grilling.

  • alaina

    I signed my asshole up for the Marine Corps and let them deal with him.  He is brainwashed for life, and I married him 5 years later.  I think I won that one.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Smart move, homette. I like your style.

  • Jen

    Dated?  Bitch, please.  I MARRIED an asshole.  I’d like to add “Does he have OCD?” to the list.  Because while it may initially seem amusing and quirky how he lines up the soup can labels in the pantry, it won’t be nearly as goddamned funny when he smashes your head against the wall for not alphabetizing the spice rack or drags you out of bed by your hair at 3am to rescrub the toilet.  Oh yeah…I know how to pick ’em.

    • Johi Kokjohn-Wagner

      That is some messed up Sleeping with the Enemy bullshit. It makes me want to rip out his throat with my teeth.

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        You + me both, Johi.

        • Jen

          You’ll both have to get in line behind Misty and her steel-toed, pointed kickin’ boots.

          • Misty

            Damn straight, y’all!  Yee-haw.

          • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

            We’re a scary bunch. I hope y’all never turn on my ass. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Oh Jen, I’m glad that motherfucker is out of your life. I hate him. And that’s all I can say about that right now because I’m getting angry just thinking about him. 

  • Miranda Kaye

    Oh my goodness, i’m so glad none of these apply to me! The guy i’m “talking to” calls, introduces me to everyone he knows, and always asks how my day is going. ALSO, opens the car door for me every time :D WOOT!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      OPENING THE CAR DOOR is the sign of a true gentleman. And I dig gentleman. 

  • Erin@MommyontheSpot

    I am saddened to see this now . . . instead of in 1995 when I *really* needed it.  Therefore, I am going to print a copy and give it to my daughter when she turns 18.  That would be 12 years from now.  

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I wish the 1995 me could have seen this as well. Would have saved a lot of time, tears and rage filled fits. 

      Good thing I can pass this on to Cal. Because if she’s dating a motherfucker, I will be able to spot that sucker from a 1000 yds away and kick his ass. 

  • Meredith L.

    Oooh oooh oooh, I got one! He picks up and moves to Australia, and when you offer to go with him he’s all, “Um…no, thanks.” JUST BREAK UP RIGHT NOW, 19-YEAR OLD ME.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Good riddance, motherfucker.

  • Christi Brown

    Does he tell you he suspects you were the one to tell his last girlfriend all the horrible things (people) he did when she wasn’t around that caused them to break up?
    I don’t know why I didn’t realize that 1) he actually thought I was bitchy enough to meddle like that and 2) he REALLY did all those horrible things that caused his last girlfriend to dump his ass- things that I would dump him for as well.

    I musta been hella horny.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Being hella horny has led me to turn a blind eye to many, many things. 

      Like that one time I saw a “If you have any information on this crime, please call the police department” clip on the local news and rationalized that it couldn’t have been my man. 

      Except it was. He got caught thankfully because someone else turned his sorry ass in. 

    • yummy side up

      Why are the muthafuckas so good in bed?!

  • Jaimee Hunter

    I laughed the other day when i saw the pin on pinterest that said, “You have to date a few bad guys to appreciate a good one.” Well, I put that to the test, babe! I do have to say though, I am married to the good one but he took two rounds as not-so-hot before he got it through his thick skull we were meant for each other. I figured he was ready when he said, “I am not letting you get away this time.” It sounds scary but it was sweet in this case…;-)

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I’m glad that homie finally came to his senses. =)

      Oh, and I would freak or swoon depending on who said those words to me. 

  • Beatriz

    Dude, I know what it feels like to not want to tell a friend because A) you don’t want to be wrong about the dude and B) you don’t want to nag them to death.

    I know someone, who’s husband just leaves much to the imagination. In fact I think I’ve only seen him in pictures, we’ve never met the dude… He apparently doesn’t like to be around people… Yeah… and when he’s described to us in terms of personality, his whole mantra screams he’s using her. We even went as far as asking a guy friend, his input, he basically said “RUN FOR THE HILLS BITCH, DON’T LOOK BACK AND KEEP RUNNING OVER MORE HILLS”

    Who knows…

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      That sounds like a guy friend every group of girls needs when they need some straight talk. 

      I’m always suspicious of boyfriends and husbands that can’t be bothered to come out AT LEAST ONCE to hang out with their partner’s friends. It seems a little off to me. Or, actually, it seems a lot off to me.

      • Beatriz

        THANK YOU!!!! I’ve always thought it completely strange and everyone else seems to ignore it.

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          Your peoples must be a very forgiving bunch;)

  • jessica

    you coulda named this “my friend, jessica’s boyfriend(s)”

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      whatever do you mean? ;)

  • Misty

    Oh yeah, and about that nagging friend thing.  I forgot to mention that I had a friend who’s boyfriend was arrested and served time in Federal Prison for basically trolling the internet for underaged tail.  I totally supported her and stuck by her the entire time she delusionally stayed with him during his sentence (because he was “framed,” um, yeah, ok) and even helped her plan her wedding to this winner that occurred upon his release.  Then, years pass, they have 2 kids, we are still friends and then BAM, she (shockingly!) finds out that he cheated on her AGAIN, with 2 women, all throughout their marriage and is all woe is me, but I don’t want to get a divorce.  I finally took a hard line with her and very forcibly told her that if she in fact did not want to divorce her “best friend” then she was saying it was ok and would expect for him to do it again to her in the future and I hoped she was cool with that.  Then I came to her house one day while they were “separated” (maybe a week or 2 later) and he was there sucking up to her by fixing stuff around the house (stuff she had asked him to do a million times before I’m sure), and when I basically blew him off and was completely cold to him and still maintained to her that she needed to sever all ties with him?  Yeah, that was the last time she spoke to me.  As far as I know, they are together and one big happy family.  She didn’t want to hear the truth and I couldn’t in good conscience go on supporting her assinine decisions blithely, so she cut me out of her life.  Oh well.  Eventually she will realize I am right.  It will happen after how many more daliences by her uber awesome spouse, I don’t know.  So sad.  She was my maid of honor, by the way.  I miss her, but not her stupidity.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      This makes me so sad. I had a very good friend. Someone I even called my “best friend” who I was tight with from junior high and on. We made a pact early on to be honest with each other about the men choices we made. She made bad decisions. I made bad decisions. When she finally “fell in love” with a boy who couldn’t leave the state of Missouri because of his parole, I told her to run. Which she didn’t. I don’t talk to her anymore. I miss her dearly and I still think about her. 

  • Angie Uncovered

    Ooooh that’s all I dated for YEARS. Married one and continued to go through a list of them. :) You should have been in my life 6 years ago! LOL Excellent points, all! 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I didn’t know this shit 6 years ago either. I just kept on dating one right after another until I finally got fed the fuck up. Sometimes, it takes us a minute, yes? 

  • Hbsmith

    I think another good indication that he is an asshole is that he NEVER compromises. EVER. It’s one thing if the guy doesn’t want to go out dancing but it’s another if he won’t EVER dance even a slow song with you in my opinion. If he isn’t willing to bend occasionally to make you happy, it’s time to break for it.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      A very good indicator. If he’s not willing to bend a little when he’s trying to woo you, then god only knows what he’s going to be like once he’s “sealed the deal.”

  • Andi

    I think I’ll print these out and change the pronouns for my sons.  Some advice is universal.

    You did miss one of my favorite red flags: if all his exes are crazy, run.  There are only two possibilities here: either he attracts crazy people or he drives them crazy.  Neither is good.   

    • s.e. rittel

      oh god oh god oh god… please let me be the exception to that rule…

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        Rittel- giiiirllllll….whatchu got goin on?

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Fo sho. I totally don’t deny that there are some crazy ass bitches milling around out there. 

      YES! Or….if all of his ex’s have turned lesbian. I always wonder about that one. 

    • MizzDjinn

      Or they only date the SUPER hot girls. You know, the ones that have been able to be cosmically bat shit insane their entire lives because they are just that hot. And that guy is a douche for sure.

  • Mrs. One Day

    Thank God I’m married to a wonderful man who is not an asshole. Phew! I really dodged the bullet this time it seems.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Good to hear you got a good one. Those gems are far and few in between. 

  • Kristynpotter80

    OH do I have stories (but you know this)!!  I think my favorite is a guy (many many many years ago) I wasn’t super interested in, but we were still dating.  My friend and I had gone out and then we headed to his place to hang with him and his friend.  I was tired, so I went in the bedroom.  His bed looked like a wreck, which was odd.  I was laying there and after a while I got really irritated because I felt like he had slept with someone else in there recently.  I wanted to leave, so I go to put my boots on….and cue the condom wrapper on the floor!  We weren’t exclusive so he could screw the whole world if he wanted.  But seriously, if you know I’m coming over, clean your shit up!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I just shuddered. Like, a deep shudder. 

      You *do* have the best stories. I always like hearing them. It’s better in person though, when I can see the look of disgust written plainly on your face as you’re telling the story. ;)

  • Kayla @ kp LOVING it

    Who HASN’T dated one of those duoche-o-roma’s? The only positive thing about being with someone like that, is the deeper appreciation you have when you find a good one. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      AMEN. and AMEN some more. 

  • s.e. rittel

    #6… If he’s a flight attendant.  Yeah, he’s gone a lot (which may seem like a plus once you see the pharmacy the bipolar fucknut carries with him), yeah he MAY have a boyfriend in Atlanta, and yes, all those stories about that one guy hooking up with all his females cohorts (that drunkass no good phony was actually him.)
     No good can come of this, even if the unlimited free flights to the east coast for lobster seem tempting.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Very, very, very good to know. Those flight attendants always seem super charming with their pleasing ways- “Can I get you anything?” “Would you like a hot beverage?” 

  • Chelsi Leigh

    Oh man… I ignored the signs once. Mr. Wonderful thought it was okay for him to shave his very hairy legs in my bathroom sink. When I told him that it was clogged he said, “So? Buy yourself some Drano.”  Goodbye!!! 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      STOP IT. OMG, I am so horrified for you. What a fucking weirdo! 

      Hell yes GOODBYE!


    Wow.  Thanks for the spot-on recap of the entire decade that was my 20s.  I did not know you were following me — very smooth.  I have a little PTSD from these flashbacks, so I need to open some wine now.

  • Sarah

    Luckily my husband does none of these things. 

    I do have two more to add to your list though. These are direct examples of my last ex boyfriend.

    6. Does he tell you you sound like a man and try to get you to talk in a higher pitched “girly” voice? Because even though you no where near sound like a guy you obviously don’t sound enough like a girl. And by girl I mean you sound like you’re still five, or breathing in helium all day long.

    7. Does he tell you that you’d look better if you got a boob job? You know, not to make them bigger or anything because that part’s good but to lift them up to defy gravity. Because that’s what he likes, and he should obviously get all the shit that he’s created in his dream world.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Girl, I laughed so fucking hard at #6. I mean, not AT you….but the qualifiers as to what a girl sounds like. He’s a bitch ass, for sure. 

      7. I would have told him I would get a boob job on the condition that he gets a penile implant and a brain transplant.

      • Sarah

        No fucking joke. But yes extremely funny.

        Can you believe I stayed 4 years with him!?!?

        Me neither. But I’m also not the same person I was back then (by more than a mile), and I’m pretty sure I’m a better person for all of it.

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          You are an extremely patient person. 

  • Are You Kidding Me?

    You forgot the most important one!  Does he have a J O B (or at least, a legitimate source of income)?  If he asks you to pay for something on the first date or asks if you can drive because he doesn’t have a car (in an area where cars are normal to have), you are about to be soaked for every dime you are willing to part with.

    • Tanya Doyle

      I was JUST about to add one about driving too.  It’s either because he doesn’t have a car or he’s planning ahead for his designated driver.

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        I was once the designated driver for a sad fool who still  lived with his parents. Hmmmm……hindsight is SO 20/20

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I’m glad you added the word “legitimate” because god knows there are some sad losers up in here that do have a J O B but it’s more like a H U S T L E that will eventually land them in J A I L. 

  • Alison

    I dated a fucking weirdo for 2 months a few years ago. He was a rebound (obviously) and I mistook the attention (read: I’ll drive you to work and back! I’ll buy you clothes you will like, promise! Let’s go look at diamond rings!) for real attention.

    It was clearly because he was a control freak who wanted to know exactly where I was at all times, dressed in a way he liked. 

    Oh he was also an asshole. Thank god I dumped him when I did.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      That’s how those crazy ass motherfuckers lure you in- pretending to be kind and generous and attentive when they are really just secretly installing cameras in your house to watch your every move. Oh wait, was that just my experience?

  • Johi Kokjohn-Wagner

    6. Does he make you question your sanity?

    7. Do you always pay?

    8. Is he always in a chemical or alcohol induced fog?

    9. Does he even HAVE friends? (or a job? or ambition?)

    10. Does he own one socially unstable cat that is the love of his life?

    If you answered yes to any of these, get you car keys back from him and make like a tree.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      LMFAO. Yes, get your car keys back from that sad motherfucker and get the fuck out of there. 

  • RollerScrapper

    You forgot does he pine for someone else? A sub bullet to #3, basically any jerk who writes pretty poetry about some other girl while giving you any attention is a jerk you should run far from, he is not deep and misunderstood, he is just a jerk.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      AMEN. I also hate men on the rebound who convince themselves they are NOT on the rebound and then get all twisted and shit and waste your time. NO thank you, sir.

  • Mel

    I’ll share some from personal experience and/or observations:

    1. If his idea of a first date is to take you to a beach at night to look for some glowing water, don’t go. Especially if you’ve only known each other for a day.(Also, that glowing water doesn’t happen at every beach. Prepare for disappointment.)

    2. If his reason for liking you is because the other pretty girls are unavailable, and he SAYS IT TO YOUR FACE, run away.

    3. If your friends don’t like him, don’t date him.

    4. If he keeps hanging out with you but refuses to leave his girlfriend, run away. He’ll never leave her for you.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      1. cheap ass motherfucker
      2. stupid ass motherfucker
      3. shady ass motherfucker
      4. cheating ass motherfucker

  • Brett Minor

    I’m a guy and think these are all great advice. Here’s a new one.

    Observe how he treats his parents. It’s a good indication of how he will treat you once you are accustomed to each other.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I’m glad a man had the balls to chime in here!

      And yes, I totally agree. I always watch to see the way he talks to his mom and to servers. Very, very telling.

  • kelly

    When I started dating my husband, I told my family he wasn’t for me becasue her was “too nice”, my sister’s reply? “What the F is wrong with you!” and once when I broke up with the nice guy, my sister called him and said “just so you know my sister is an idiot and the rest of the family doesn’t want to break up with you.” I clearly have an awesome sister who knows what is best for me.

    So my advice listen to those people around you, if they say RUN BITCH RUN, then head the advice and the same goes for when they slap you upside the head and question your sanity.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      A huge fist bump to your sister. That homette knows her stuff!!

      I always appreciate a good slap to the head. I mean, after the sting wears off. 

  • thoughtsappear

    I’d like to add he says things like, “I have something to tell you…but first…would you ever date a guy who’s been married before? Nevermind. I’ll tell you later.”

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I’d also like to add…”How do you feel about dating a married man….? I mean, just hypothetically. OH, this ring tan line….it’s a rare skin disease.”


  • Margaret

    By some miracle that I can in no way explain,  I have managed to avoid dating anyone who I consider a sheer and total asshole.  I don’t know how this is possible, given that I am almost 47 and was married to my husband for less than 4 years.  That’s a lotta opportunity to date shitheads.  However, I did date one guy who fucked his ex-girlfriend.  Now, I honestly don’t want to insult anyone named Amber, but there was a commercial for a titty bar that said, “This is Amber, she dances,” in a wildly redneck accent.  I kicked him out and Karma made a very quick u-turn on him.  This may have something to do with the fact that we remain friends 10 years later.

    However, to add one thing to the list…
    Does he open you ADD medication capsules, take the contents and snort them while ignoring the fact that you are “freaking out” because your meds aren’t working?  Yeah, don’t take that shit.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      HIL-FUCKING-LARIOUS. So…you were ingesting empty capsules? Partially empty capsule. That motherfucka.

      Also, I’m pretty sure at some point in my dreams tonight, I’m going to hear some trailer trash voice say “This is Amber, she dances.”

      Thanks for that. 

  • LessThanKate

    I am happy to say I am NOT dating/engaged to an asshole. He was one for a while until I DID run (like told him I was moving back home to Iowa instead of staying in DC) and it turns out his asshole-ness was a cover. And now he’s very proudly my fiance. Everyone told me he had no interest in me and to give up, so I flaunt our upcoming marriage like a mother fucker around those people (it was our mutual group of friends who told me all this). Like “Oh, are we the happiest couple now? Weird. Thought we could never work out and that he had no interest in me! He moved to Iowa for me? What? That’s impossible! He wants nothing to do with me!” … Okay. I hold grudges. But, it’s just awesome because my marriage to the love of my life won’t just be a happy marriage, but a big ol’ “TAKE THAT BITCHES!!!!” to all our friends who had tried to squash every hope I had.

    WOAH – did I get off track. I have, however, dated an asshole. The biggest clue was the fact that I did not meet his parents or friends and we dated for a year. He only came to my house and I could only visit him at his dorm – and we stayed in his dorm when I did. We did not leave. He forgot my birthday, but tried to cover by buying me a bag of Hugs later in the day and telling me my gift was in the mail. We broke up shortly after. Granted, he broke up with me, and I was seriously broken-hearted over him for like years afterwards, but looking back, he was the douchiest person ever. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Good riddance to that shady birthday forgetting mofo. Unacceptable! I’ve been a few people’s “secrets” and it is always weird. Like…”why can’t we ever leave your goddamn apartment??”

      I am so happy that you ended up with the man you were meant to be with. And a happy bonus being that those who doubted it now have to eat crow.

  • Stan Faryna

    FYI: I stopped by because Dan Perez said your blog rocked. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Thank you kindly for coming! That Dan Perez…he’s a gem. 

  • FunnyOrTragic

    Oh, man.  This had me twitching with flashbacks.  I will make a blog post of it, dedicated to you.  It’ll take a little while, but it’s coming.  I think I went on a first (and last) date that was worse.  Maybe.  But in reply to your post, I dated one guy that was so bad that when we broke up (because I found out that among being a douche-canoe, he was cheating on me) I went to the girl he was cheating on me with and told her she could do better.  Because I honestly felt bad for her.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Even in times of deceit and douchefuckery, you still manage to be a classy, compassionate person. 

      Do you give lessons?

  • Noa Gavin

    Yes! I dated a bodybuilder once named “Doc” who took me to Wendy’s once, and that was the nicest date we ever went on. We dated for several months, so, yeah. Also thought it’d be rad to shoot steroids in front of me and talk about how rad he was because he sold them. When I was done with him, I put on one of his ridiculous competition banana hammocks with the sides pulled up on my shoulders like suspenders, and danced around his kitchen, and then I left. At least I have that fond memory.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I hope he let you order an extra large Frosty during your fancy dinner to make up for all of his other fucking bullshit.

  • Missus Clark

    I am so far removed from these scenarios, I can’t even come up with a good story. I dated some real losers, but I seem to have been spared the worst. Possibly because my mother brought me up to never, *ever*, put up with shit for any man. Ma wasn’t the greatest role model, but the lady had her moments. 

    Plus, I’ve been with my treasure of a man going on 10 years now. (Whoa. A decade. Whoa.) Feeling pretty good ’bout life right now, Miss E! Thanks!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I hope to bring Cal up with the same mentality. 


      I’m glad M is such an amazing gentleman. You deserve it. 

  • Stella

    Ok, this one is no where near as bad as everyone else’s experience but, especially when on-line dating, if during the first few dates you have that What Are You Looking For discussion, and you reply, “A relationship” and he replies, “I’m not sure if I want a relationship” don’t be an idiot (like me) and keep trying to see him. Even if while he works o/s he texts you several times a day- he’s just passing the time. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      So very, very true. I always think I can change his mind. The only thing that happens is that I lose mine. 

  • Bill-The Authentic Life

    I’m not a woman, but I have been a secret.  You can’t deny the existence of someone you love.  It doesn’t work.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      That just made my very cold heart melt.

  • jacqui

    Great post! I’m not dating anyone right now…but I’d definitely run if any of these scenarios were involved. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      RUN FAST. xo

  • k8a

    I needed this when I was younger.  Thankfully, I figured it out on my own and married a decent guy who only sucked at talking on the phone when we were dating.  Now?  Married with nearly-two kids later?  He’s better on the phone, but that might have something to do with the 4-year old who worships him.  :)

    My favorite line, ever?

    “He doesn’t need to make paper flyers declaring his interest, but if
    you’re not on his public radar, then you’re probably only on his pubic

    That is brilliance, right there, Liz.  Pure brilliance.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Thank goodness there are still some decent guys left out there….and a fist bump to all the lucky ladies who find them. =)

      I’m a big phone talker, so I appreciate it when someone who does NOT like talking on the phone makes an effort to do it. There are some things that can only be conveyed in a chat….gets lost in a text or an email. 

      And…thanks for the kindness. Much appreciated.

  • Goradde

    i’m ashamed to say this but i’m the asshole.

    i’m certainly not the martyr type of human being. it’s like a curse.

    p.s. you’re a genius. 217 is like CIA stuff.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      You? An asshole? 


      • Goradde


  • Gooddayregularpeople

    Oh, you are wonderful.


    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      And you are kind. 
      And funny. 
      And fabulous.

  • Glamamom

    The majority of time you do in fact know he’s a motherfucker, you just want the challenge, or to try and change him, proven everyone wrong, feel shitty for a little while. It’s sad but I think certain personalities are capable of tapping into our worst insecurities and when you’re vulnerable, you can’t think straight anymore.  Hopefully you learn the type of person that triggers them and avoid at all costs!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      WTF. How did I miss this TRUE DAT comment. I knew I needed to get new contacts. I let the fuckers get to me because they know how to push all the wrong buttons. Someday, I may learn to not let this happen.

  • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

    This….is the recap of an unhealthy toxic relationship in a nutshell. I don’t know what it is about us ladies that makes us want to fix things. Because that shit don’t work. I learned the hard way. 

  • Ring Finger Tan Line

    Just found your blog and am thoroughly enjoying a Tuesday afternoon of watching my inbox implode as I blatantly ignore it and read your posts instead. 

    My first motherfucker experience was with the douchenozzle I call  my ex-husband. (As a side note – I may be divorced, but I am only 24.) You can read plenty about him on my blog, but he unfortunately did not fit into any of the above categories. Unless you’d like to add “is he secretly using your money for dating profiles and hotel rooms?” to the list.

    Motherfucker #2 fits all of your categories. He looks like a model, drives a Porsche, and shaves his legs once a month for no apparent reason.  This should have immediately tipped me off. 

    Nonetheless, he remains on speed dial in order to be carted around if and when motherfucker #3 screws up and needs to be made jealous.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Hi!! Welcome!! It looks like we are both motherfucker magnets. Is there some kind of prize for that? I really do think we deserve one. As much as I sometimes hate that I’ve been through such a colorful past, I try to convince myself that I now have an arsenal of knowledge which will equip me in helping my own kid deal with assholes and motherfuckers. It’s probably not true in the least but it DOES make me feel better sometimes. =)

  • Christina Flis

    I have in fact dated a mofo and I immediately reposted that shit. Hilarious

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Much love to you for the support. Thank you!

  • Alisha

    How about me “seeing” someone for damn two years only to be told that he enjoys “kickin it” with me but doesn’t want a response was at 32, I’m too damn old to kick shit.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I’m just amazed you didn’t kick him.

  • Amy Lightholder

    This is true for friendship too, although not as obvious

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Fo sheezy. Gotta let some of them toxic “friends” go sometimes.

  • the76wolf

    This is spot on and sadly I have been victim of this. Thanks for the laugh, seriously funny stuff as I am back into the dating world of stupid a$$ holes!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Good luck, yo. Gems still exist out there for sure. Just gotta do a lot of digging sometimes.

  • A

    I fucked up and married this guy….

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Perhaps he can be re-trained?

      I was an asshole once. I’m still an asshole, but marriage has re-trained me to be less of an asshole…most of the time. All right, fine, some of the time.

  • Mychelle

    Ha, I feel like the assholes are the only kind I find. Things to add to the list:

    – In a long-distance relationship that he happens to forget to mention because he acts so damn single. It’s ok, though, because she’s in a different city, doesn’t have to know, and he’s sort of lonely right now. Except that it does matter. I’m not going to be a homewrecker or “the other woman”. Fuck him for trying to make me that
    – Still in love with his ex and looking for a rebound. She sort of broke his heart and he’s hoping that you’ll occupy his mind until she comes around or he’ll use you to get over her. I deserve more than to be someone’s sloppy seconds.
    – Plays hot and cold. Says all the sweet things that he’s supposed to, then disappears for a while until you call him out on it, then he makes excuses, says he still really likes you, then rinse and repeats the cycle. What are we, still freshmen in college?
    – Likes you only because he thinks that you’re pretty. Sorry, I’m more than “just another pretty face”. I got personality bitch, and if you can’t appreciate that, you don’t know me.
    Amen to your one-sided comment!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Homegirl, these are some SERIOUS GEMS.

      Sadly, I can relate to these additions. And even sadder, some of these apply to more than one relationship that I have been in. I apparently like to make the same mistake at least a half dozen times “just to make sure” something is not right for me.

  • Trish Ní Mhaoileoin

    I just dumped someone who trivialised rape & dissed reproductive rights & access to abortion (I live in Ireland, this shit is topical & important here right now). I made excuses & allowances for him because he has a “quirky” sense of humour & because he was ‘probably’ (I imagined) trying to make a point by highlighting absurdities. Then as I waited for him to call me on my birthday last week, I started thinking that he said that shit a lot, like, too often for it to be anything other than him being just a motherfucker. I didn’t get a call for my birthday, and my inner voice was screaming at me to run, run away, so I dumped his chauvinistic ass at 3am in a text message. Turns out he was not calling on purpose simply to wait till after my birthday to dump me! So glad I listened to my inner voice & ran like the motherfucking wind!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      First, a very happy belated birthday to you. Personally, I always like a little something shiny for my birthday, but it seems like you got something even better….freedom and sanity.
      Because there is nothing more stifling or maddening than to be with someone who is just…..a motherfucker in every motherfucking way.

  • Meg Mc

    I cannot tell you how many times I’ve wanted to pull my hair out over some friend compulsively choosing relationships, and I use the term loosely, in which most, if not all, these rules were broken.
    Bottom line…if a man says he’s changed or different because of you…RUN FOR THE HILLS, because when he goes back to acting like the same mother fucker he always was…he’ll blame you for that, too.

  • Kate

    Just a heads up, ladies, from a 50-something old lady. I found the perfect man (if there is such a thing) 11 years ago. He couldn’t do enough for me. Opened doors, asked me about my day, did the dishes, vacuumed, (YES! VACUUMED!), called me constantly asking if there was anything I needed, told me he loved me at least 3 times a day, treated my mother like a goddess, cleaned up after parties…well, you get the picture. So, I didn’t mind that he talked me into mortgaging my home; after all, he made enough money…Then he talked me into quitting my job.

    Long story short. He had a whore on the side for the 1st ten years. Now I’m stuck. No job, no money of my own, and a mortgage to pay off. DON’T let this happen to you.

  • M

    word. this is truth. so happy to finally have found and be dating a non-asshole who does NONE of these things, ALL of the right ones, and is MEGA good in bed. Whew, that only took 20 years of dating and settling for losers… being 35 is awesome, ladies. Just you hang in there.

  • whatinthewhat?

    After the lovely honeymoon period, when the mask comes down
    1. never wishes you a happy birthday, merry christmas, happy thanksgiving
    2. is never affectionate (because he knows you like it), rarely, if ever, compliments you
    3. never takes you out
    4. curses you out, gets made at you for everything
    5. you feel stupid and incompetent around him
    6. puts you down/humiliates you in public/is contemptuous of you
    7. speaks negatively of his extended family (weight, living situation), idolizes his immediate family; speaks poorly of his “friends”
    8. kind and considerate of his male roommate, another douche who he ideolizes
    9. you usually do the driving and paying
    10. no appreciation, kindness, respect – though he fixes things cause it makes him feel good
    11. never spends the night, makes you leave, too
    12. only time you feel connected, safe, and liked is during sex
    13. If YOU are a fool, chump, compassionate giver and give this douche a chance…