This week: Tell the truth.
It seems unnatural to me to tell the truth all the time. I believe in sparing people’s feelings, and lies are an excellent method of achieving that.
Sometimes, you find yourself saying things like “I don’t have a phone” or “No, good sir, I’m not on Facebook” because it’s a lot kinder than “No, nu-uh, never ever.”
LYING SAVES LIVES. Actually, I’m not sure how that statement fits here, but it kind of makes sense, doesn’t it? It does. Trust me, it does.
Maybe you have a kid that plays soccer. Maybe another soccer mom is really getting on your nerves because her voice is a tad too loud and she says things to your kid like “play better” or “get in the game, Cal!” Here are some choices:
A. (chuckle softly, like a good-natured person) I bet we could work on our drills a little bit harder at home. I noticed that your daughter, Frittata, is playing so much better these days! Good on her!
And hey, I could totally relate when you rolled your eyes the other day because wee Frittata forgot her inhaler in the car and you were all, “Oh my god, I must really love you if I’m going to walk all the way back down the hill for you.” I mean, totally, I get it. Kids wanting to breath is so outrageous.
B. If you don’t shut the fuck up, I’m going to wipe the floor with your face.
Yes, B makes so much more sense because really, who would name their kid Frittata? And more importantly, who has the patience to chuckle softly like a good-natured person? Sometimes, you lie to maintain the peace among a pack of women. Most often, you lie to avoid a jail sentence.
I’m feeling brave. I’m telling the truth all week. I do, however, reserve the right to remain silent.
Do you ever fib to maintain the peace, or are you more of the “whole truth and nothing but the truth” type? What’s the funniest or most outrageous lie you’ve ever told?
P.S. I’ll be at Chevalier’s Books in Los Angeles this Thursday at 7:00 to do a reading of my essay “Liner Notes” from the book The Moment: Wild, Poignant, Life- Changing Stories from 125 Writers and Artists Famous and Obscure. I’d love to see you and fist bump it out.