Yes, it’s good news. No, I’m not having a baby.

When friends tell me their awesome news, I make it a point to let them know I am FUCKING EXCITED. I widen my eyes, open my mouth into an “O,” and put my hands up. It probably looks like I’m about to be hit by a train, but that’s my Congratulations Face.

It’s nearly impossible for me to be excited for myself. I feel self-conscious and selfish when I sneak into the bathroom and give myself the same Congratulations Face in the mirror I give to everyone else.

Plus, it’s hard to fist bump yourself. I know because I tested it out once. It makes you cross-eyed.

A year ago, I submitted an essay to Smith Magazine about the moment that changed my life for their upcoming book, The Moment: Wild, Poignant, Life-Changing Stories from 125 Writers and Artists Famous and Obscure (Harper Perennial).

Why am I even doing this? They’ve received thousands and thousands and thousands of submissions. I’m not even a real writer!

A month passed. Six months passed. I didn’t hear back from them. I forgot about it. And then a month ago, Smith Magazine dropped me a line, “You’re in the book, bitch!” Well, they didn’t say “bitch” but I added that in my head because I think it makes the news sound more official.

It hits booksellers January 3rd. My moment is titled “Liner Notes,” page 164.

I’m excited. And I just gave myself a fist bump. Fuck being cross-eyed.

UPDATE: To celebrate this good news, I have purchased the following items today: ChapStick Flava Craze Lip Balm, heavy-duty adjustable 3-hole punch, a dozen retractable gel roller pens, and a bag of Funyuns. I feel pretty gangsta right now. Thank you for letting me share.
A shout out to my friend Carolyn for sending me this picture.

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Comments

  1. chemegirljaime says:

    YAY … so happy for you!!! 

  2. Congratulations!  Here’s a well-deserved fist bump for you!

  3. Congrats! So happy & excited for you! :) 

  4. Congratulations HO! This is wonderful! Fist bump back at ya!

  5. YAAAYYYY!!! Congrats! That is so cool. It’s really ok to be excited for yourself. :)

  6. CONGRATULATIONS!  That’s such fantastic news!!!!! Fist bump and a glass of something bubbly raised… (champagne for you, something non-alcoholic for me, since I have the whole preggers thing going…)

    January 3rd?  Noted in my calendar…

  7. Fist Bumps all around! Congrats, I’m definitely going to buy that. 

  8. That is amazing!  Isn’t it great to be validated for the craziness that comes with being yourself, and your ability to express that craziness???

  9. First off, I love the title of this post. And your sense of humor.
    Second, congratulations!

  10. That is AWESOME!  Congrats!  Can’t wait to pick up the book!

  11. CONGRATULATIONS! (You’ll have to imagine my O face)

  12. Congrats!!!!!!!!! Fist BUMP!

  13. That is truly awesome.  (hands to either side of my face, eyes wide & big smile) Seriously, congratulations.  I would be thrilled as well.  

  14. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 I am SO excited for you! Congrats! I cannot WAIT to buy it! And I will buy it for other people and bookmark your section. Because you are awesome. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  15. KatetheGreat says:

    Aspiring writer here! Glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. Awesome job and thank god you’re not pregnant!

  16. Virtual fist bump! Damn girl! You’re like famous and shit! Woot Woot! Congrats!

  17. Brittany Rae Olson says:

    That’s great news, beeyatch!  Those compilation books are always fun.

  18. Dude! Fucking awesome, homles!!! So happy for you! Loves!

  19. How marvelous! I’ll have to pick up a copy the moment it’s released! Congratulations, m’dear!

  20. fist bump, high five, a bear hug and a body check are all being sent your way! CONGRATULATIONS! And you are a writer! You write from the heart and keep it real, that’s the best kind there is! I’d also send a slap on the butt, but I barely know you. hahaha…  : )

  21. I did the wide-eyes, O mouth face for you just now. 

    One might say you just made me show you my “O face”.

    Congratulations on your well deserved recognition, homey!

  22. FireWench says:

    Congrats, Bitch!!

  23. Minoukatze says:

    Congratulations! Fist bumps from me and paw bumps from my nearby cats (they’re down).

  24. That is so fucking baller. Congratulations!!

  25. Jesus Christ you’re awesome. How are you still friends with me?!

  26. Congrats to you! Fist bumps all around!

  27. That’s awesome! Mazel tov!

  28. I jumped up and down and SQUEE’d — because that’s my version of the congratulations face!  If you were having a baby, I would have also banged on something.  Um, I get really excited for other people.  

    Can’t wait until January 3rd!  Also, OF COURSE you deserve it.  Because you are a kick-ass writer, and kudos for sending stuff in without waiting for an engraved invitation.  

  29. That’s amazing! Congrats. You know, I’ve been thinking you need to write a book. Maybe take your life and punch it up just a tiny bit. (and really, just a tiny bit, you’re already one crazy motha.) I imagine it reading like Chelsea Handler. Yeah.

  30. JeanneMcCullough says:

    Virtual fist bump comin’ at ya!

  31. Marianna Adzhemyan says:

    Congrads!!! What a wonderful thing to have happen to you! Your stories are hilarious and (although I’ve said this before) you are a joy to read!!!! I’ve most definitely laughed histerically at my computer more than I can count while reading your posts, old and new!

  32. Congratulations! Looking forward to reading it.

  33. SO happy for you sweetie! I know giving ourselves credit is one of the hardest things to do but you always totally deserve it. I can’t wait to read it when it comes out.

    P.S. I am able to get really excited for myself when something happens because I don’t look in a mirror to acknowledge myself. I just jump around and squeal and then pretend I didn’t do that later. I’m pretty sure I just block it out entirely. :)

    • Perhaps I should just take the mirror out of the equation. I often get too caught up with leaning in and being all “where the HELL did that wrinkle come from” and I totally forget to celebrate.

      Thanks so much for the love and support. 

  34. Congratulations to YOU!!!! I don’t even know how to describe my congratulations face. It’s…. Special. But I’m making it right now for you!

    You are a rock star!! X

  35. AWESOME and CONGRATS (you know I’m excited for you because of THE CAPS)! I can’t wait to make a loved one buy it for me for xmas so I can read it. VIRTUAL FIST BUMP!

  36. Dude, that’s so awesome! You’re a legit writer! *virtual fist bump*

  37. yay!!  congrats!  that’s awesome news!  i’ll fist bump you from the computer.  :)

  38. Congratulations! I’m so proud of you and your awesomeness! Please know I am making the congratulations face for you right now. It looks something like this:
    : O

  39. Shut the front door!  No, you’re not having a baby, but you did give birth (without all the blood and after birth and shit) to a published essay!  Congratulations and happy birthday to “Liner Notes”!

  40. Amy in Australia says:

    Yay! And yes you ARE a writer. Go girl!!

  41. Of course you’re getting published; you are a motherfucking rockstar so I would expect no less from you.  Congratulations, my dear!

  42. This is AWESOME! You ARE a real writer bitch! This just proves it to YOU! 

  43. Tfinn2011 says:

    Congrats! I made the congratulations face for you at work and it did not go over well.

  44. That’s fantabulous!!! And *ahem* you ARE a writer. 

  45. Congrats to you! That is truly WONDERFUL news! 

  46. So, so awesome! Yeah! [Fist bump] Good job, you deserve it. :)

  47. i’ll be excited for you, you self concious little thang. you’re a real writer now. all grown up.

    you can be excited for bestie jen.  she WAS pregnant and she DID have a baby yesterday! books and babe’s…. totally celebratory.

  48. Bitch! That means you are a real writer now!

    I think you should go buy yourself a pen with a feather as well!

  49. Congratulations! I’m sure they did receive 1000s of submissions, so that’s a big deal. Your writing style is always a draw for me, so I’m sure you deserved it. Nice choice of gifts to yourself, though Funyuns usually require a follow-up with gum or mints.

  50. OMG you’re a published writer!! Way to go! Here, I’ll fist bump you so you can avoid being cross eyed. *fist bump*

  51. That is the best news! So happy for you and I’m doing an airbump for you.

  52. You are so awesome, you deserve it.  When I get all depressed and bitchy I come to your site and I am guaranteed at least one fuckingly awesome laugh or two …. or ten.  If you can do that for little old me, I wonder how many more people you could do that with a book.  The possibilities are endless!  :)

  53. Tracy Gottschlich says:

    congrats….that is super awesome news! double fist bump!

  54. Fist bump!  Bitch!  Go you!

  55. GREAT news!! Can’t wait to read it.

    Even if I just go to Barnes and Noble and read your essay and then put the book back… :)

  56. I still don’t know what Funyuns are.  Describe them to me.

  57. *hands you your drink of choice and raises her own*

    To one of the most kick ass bloggers/gansta bitches I know!  May this be the first of many kick ass opportunities for you!  I can’t think of anyone more deserving!

    If I lived near you I’d so take you out and get you drunk to celebrate!  By the time the night was over we’d be dancing on tables and worshiped by the masses!

  58. hellz to the yeah! And I will shank any bitch who says you aren’t a real writer.

  59. Were they the original or spicy funyuns??? Details are important!

    Congrats! I’m so stinking proud of you. And super glad we can still toast your news. If you were prego I’ve heard it’s frowned upon. Or maybe that’s just something they tell you do there’s more margaritas for them. Hmm….

    Back to civilization tomorrow! Hopefully for good!!

    • Spicy funyuns? Girl, I aint neva even heard of those!! Must run to the gas station RIGHT NOW.

      Thank you!! I maybe toasted one too many times last night with a few too many shots of tequila. I hate you, tequila. You terrible, terrible liquid devil. 

      Have one last Dairy Queen treat before you leave the wilderness.

  60. I think you are awesome.

  61. Chelsi Watson says:

    WooHOO! Congratulations!

  62. WooHOO! Congratulations!

  63. Super awesome!!! I’m totally imaginatoryly fist bumping you right now…..and sticking out my tongue at whoever you beat out to get the spot!!! Congrats!

  64. GET OUT, Bitch.

    (not really, but, sounds better that way.)

    I am so happy for you.

    ALSO: how did you find out about this amazing opportunity? Asking for a jealous friend..
    xo

    • I only understand statements with “bitch” attached so you just spoke my language and I thank you. 

      And I thank you for your support. 

      My friend and fellow blogger, Stefanie Wilder-Taylor encouraged me to enter. And then nudged. And then she was all, “DO IT BITCH DO IT NOW YOU HO” and then I did it. 

  65. Fricking AWESOME! You should not only be fist bumping yourself, but high fiving and triple “z” snapping. You might even get away with a quick “cabbage patch” if no one is looking! Very good news! Go YOU!! Um, go buy yourself some shoes or at least a real lipstick, would ya? XOXO

  66. Shaystone says:

    WOW!!!! That is absolutely awesome. BTW, you ARE a real writer. Just because you don’t have a degree in it (or maybe you do) or don’t work as one professionally, doesn’t mean you aren’t one. I enjoy your writing and in my opinion that is all that matters.LOL Air fist bump from across the miles to you! I also did my happy dance for you which is MY version of your “o” face-wow that didn’t come out right:/ LOL You go on with your bad self girl!!!!!! Yay for you:)

  67. Goddamn woman!!  A published writer.  That is so very gangsta.  But you knew that already, right?

    I’m the same about getting excited for myself.  I feel all guilty or something.  So, now you have a whole gang out there excited for you!  Go you!!  ((HUGS))

    P.S.  Can you give us a little taste of what the story is about?  The curiosity is killing me.  Not that that means I won’t read it when it comes out, cuz just try to stop me.  ;)

  68. Yay!!! Congrats, Elizabeth!! :)

  69. Wow, congratulations to being in a book. They’re cool people and they sent you a copy of the book for free, right? I ended up having a college essay published, and they sent me a copy of the book. That was a pretty sweet feeling—even though I am not a huge fan of the rest of the book. Big ups to being immortalized (yeah, I so went there, immortalized) in print.

  70. Awesome news! Congrats, Ms. Writer! I will have to keep an eye out for it :) Have a great weekend!!!

  71. FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!  I want to be first in line to get my copy and girl, you better sign it!  I am so thrilled to see you get the recognition you deserve.  (And thx for the shoutout!)

  72. ashleyinLoDo says:

    you are inspiring yo. but really. thanks for sharing and making it seem possible:)

  73. RandomHandprints says:

    best fuckin’ news ever. can’t wait to read “liner notes” in the new year!

  74. I always screw up the fist-bump. My fives aren’t high enough. I’m boycotting “awesome.” Hell, I’m old. But I think it’s grand news just the same.

  75. so fucking proud of you, e. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m gonna buy that book and READ only bcus you’re there.

  76. Look at you, you essay-writing bitch! Congrats. Can’t wait to read it.

  77. Rollerscrapper says:

    Congrats! You certainly deserve it because you are as funny as hell!

  78. Congrats!

    And that’s the wise thing to do, to keep to only three rings in the binder.

  79. I’m so behind! Congrats! Can’t wait to read it! *fist bump* Have you made amends with your sis-in-law?

  80. OHMYFUCKINGGOD. That is fucking amazing. Hooray for you!!

  81. That’s fabulous!  Congrats!! 

  82. Mouth making a big ‘O’.  Fist-bumping.  You are a gangsta.

  83. *Widened eyes, open “O” mouth, hands up, bracing to be hit by a train*
    That. Is. AMAZEBALLS! And what the hell do you mean you’re not a -real- writer. You never have fewer than like a billion comments and are hilarious and meaningful at the same time. Dude. Your’e a writer.

  84. Lady Jennie says:

    WOW!!!  Such an incredible honor and comes as no surprise to me sugar.

  85. That is so super awesome, Elizabeth!!!!!!! Congratulations….I’ll have to go buy the book now! And just sos ya know, I think you are a hilarious, witty, and poignant writer. I’m not surprised your essay was chosen at all! Woooooohooooooo!!!!!

Commenting Guidelines:Leave your thoughts below and I'll holler back at you with a response. PLEASE DO NOT POST LINKS TO PRODUCTS OR SITES within the body of your comments. I edit/delete them. If you'd like to link your comment back to your site, just sign up for a Disqus account. It's quick and easy. I promise.

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