Monday Dare: Are we just friends because of my money?

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Win the lottery.

I don’t want to dump a shitload of shocking information on you during the holidays, but I think we know each other well enough for me to divulge difficult things from time to time.

I’ve never won the lottery.

Hold me.

For several years as a kid, I forced my parents to order magazines from the Publishers Clearing House. I just knew I was going to be one of the lucky few featured on those commercials. You know the one: flashy van, big cardboard check, cheap helium balloons, and lots of screaming. Since I wasn’t yet the legal age to win, I asked my mom to be the frontman for the operation, and in return, I would cut her in on 15% of the winnings.

“It’s always a good idea to get in on the ground floor,” I told her repeatedly. Her English was shaky at best, so she didn’t really understand me. If we’re being honest, I didn’t really understand what I was saying either, but it sounded good. Besides, who the fuck cared if I made any sense? I was going to be rich.

Each year, my mom ordered one or two magazine subscriptions. I had a system; I never ordered the popular magazines. Only the especially obscure ones would do. I felt that it gave me a certain edge over the sad fools who ordered their Sports Illustrated or Good Housekeeping.

I just knew that my orders for Africa Birds & Birding and KitPlanes would catch the eye of the right person at the Clearing House, and they would think, “Yes, this person here really deserves a million dollars a year for the rest of her life. Let’s go and change her world.”

They say the best revenge is living well. Personally, I think the best revenge is living well and knowing the inner workings of homebuilt aviation, courtesy of my two-year subscription to KitPlanes. Oh hell yes, you want a piece of this??

I entered the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes today. I find out on February 29th if I’m a winner. My thinking is that yes, I have this one in the bag. Just to be safe, I will also purchase a lottery ticket from the corner market. AND, I will also give Cal additional homework to do during winter break. That way, if nothing pans out, she has a fighting chance at securing a good job. I will just mooch off of her hard work for the rest of my life.

I plan to use my winnings wisely. I asked Harv to track down the complete set of Garbage Pail Kids trading cards as a Christmas gift. Guess what wasn’t under the tree yesterday?

What would you buy if you won the lottery today?
image via

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  • CMBT

    I’d pay off debt, add an addition to my existing house, and invest the rest.
    Fuck me, I hate being responsible.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Responsibility is dope. When you invest the rest, you’ll surely end up with more than you started with. 

      That is truly big pimpin.

  • Mel

    In my mind, the lottery is the Mega Millions when it’s at least $100 million. Then I’d take the lump sum payout; fuck the higher taxes.

    I’d buy my mom a house wherever she wants. I’d send money to my aunt, uncle, and grandma in Indonesia to buy houses themselves. Then send a little extra to my uncle so he can give his young kids the best education; the catch would be that I have to approve every expense he makes from that money.

    I’d get myself a house (this is where my dream Ikea kitchen comes in) and upgrade my car (Hello Hyundai Sonata!) Next, set aside money for grad school, my wedding, and my kids’ trust fund(s).

    Then I’d invest some of what’s left in either real estate or bonds/stocks. Also, I’d get myself the best (most honest) financial manager around.

    And fuck, I gotta be a little irresponsible, too. SHOPPING SPREE! You, me, Rodeo Drive, and Target.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      GEEZ LOUISE girl, you done thought of this shit real good, huh?

      I am super impressed with all the dough you’d be spreading around. Can’t say I’m surprised at all, knowing you.=)

      Very cool. Very generous. 

      And fuck yeah, let’s get the party started on R.D. and at Target.

  • Miranda Kaye

    Definitely pay off debt first, save money for my daughter, and then buy a house. :)

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      All fucking fantastic things. Kudos. 

  • Lynellekw

    I’m too sensible.  Depending on the actual level of winnings, I’d pay out the mortgage(s), my remaining educational debt, set up a trust fund for my god-daughter and any eventual nieces & nephews, figure out what I needed to live on and invest enough to pay me that in interest, and give the remainder to assorted charities.

    Unless I won one of the ridiculous Euromillions jackpots, and found myself having to dispose of 150 million or so.  Then I’d “invest” in some crazy alternative energy-production schemes, most of which will never pan out because they’re crazy but at least I’d feel like I did something useful with my gazillions.  And I’d buy an island.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Wow. This really puts my desire to own every single Garbage Pail Kid card to shame. Seriously, I have a *shameface* going on right now. 

      When I was in hs, I spent a year researching photovoltaic energy. I think alt energy is SO the way to go. And you’ll totally spearhead that shit. Love it. 

      Please invite me to your island. 

      • Lynellekw

        I will.  It’ll be awesome.  I won’t have monkeys on it, though.  I don’t like monkeys.

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          According to the Chinese Zodiac, I am a monkey. Am I still allowed on your island?

          • Lynellekw

            So long as you promise not to hang from your tail anywhere inside the island-palace.  Also please refrain from throwing feces.

            In other news, my Dad was once bitten by a monkey.  He gave it some of his Coke, but it wanted beer.  So it bit him. I’ll say this for monkeys: there’s no messing around.

          • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

            What a picky-ass monkey. 

            I’m sorry to hear about this. I am ashamed of my fellow monkeykind.

  • Are You Kidding Me?

    I’d buy a fancy car, but then I’d decide that someone would ding my door and I’d be pissed off.  So, never mind.  I guess I’d go on a really expensive ’round the world vacation.  That would be fun.  Wanna come with me?

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Uh, HELL YES PLEASE! I would love that!

      Fancy cars are little bitches. And headaches. ;)

  • Shannon

    I would buy a boat. Then I could yell “I’M ON A BOAT!” and it would be awesome. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Fucking pimp. 

      You yell it and I’ll bop around in the background as your backup dancer.

  • Ninja Jenn

    i’d build my Epic Trailer Park by the Sea. in Cali. and force my girlfriends (and their families) to move in, along with some of the family i like. then i’d try to hire The Rock for the ribbon cutting ceremony. if not him, then mario lopez, since he seems to do any gig. and no one would hear from me again. the end :)

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Whoa, put me down for one of them fine home establishments. I was reading that the trailers by the ocean in Malibu are going for around $1M these days, so I bet you’d end up with even more money that you started. 

      Dope. And so is Mario Lopez. Or, at least his abs.

  • MissusClark

    I’d buy that acreage in Oregon and built myself a fabulous house with lots of room for company. You’d come visit, wouldn’t you?

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I’m glad you asked because I would have just, you know, shown up unannounced and then where would that leave our friendship?

  • Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd

    Oh, you’d need to get all of those Garbage Pail Kids in a giant frame over the mantle – you’d be a lottery winner, you’d need to class that shit up.

    If I won the lottery, then I wouldn’t have to worry about selling out current house and could just move where I wanted.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      EXACTLY MY THOUGHT. It’s clear to me that very classy women like you and me have the same sense of home decor. 

      Babe, I wish you luck with the home sale. And…I hope you get through it with ZERO headache. xo

  • Bill-The Authentic Life

    I would cotinue life as usual.  Go to my job every day until someone pissed me off.  That would last 15 minutes and then I’d say “F*ck this, I’m outta here!!”  Paul and I would go to Key West and party like rock stars.  That would last a week.  Then I would search for the meaning of life, and then realize that I knew the meaning all along, that it was here in my back yard with my kids and husband.  But we’d be rollin’ in a Bentley to Target….Yo!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Holla at yo girl in that Bentley of yours, Bill!

      P.S. When in Key West, I implore you to take the nighttime ghost tour around the island. Totally worth it.

      P.P.S. Going to Boston in May…..shall we throw back a few?

      • Bill-The Authentic Life

        Holla! Yes we shall! Paul will be in Germany for part of May and I may join him in Paris for a weekend, so let me know when you will be here. Wouldn’t miss it for the world!

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          Do you….do you think there’s a chance we’re the same person? We will be in Germany and Paris at the very beginning of June! I guess all fabulous peeps like to go to the same places?

          I’ll drop you a line via email 8-10 weeks out. I know how popular you are, so I want to make sure to give you enough time to clear out a little window for yo girl. 

  • Lesley

    Yes. I am friends with you for your money. :-D Just kidding. I am friends with you because you are an amazingly strong woman and I really look up to you.

    If I were to win the lottery I would buy you your cards! And take you and your family on vacation, you would just have to put up with me. FYI. It would be a Disney Cruise. I would also pay off my debt, my families debt and pay for my cousins and niece and nephews college funds. And then…I would write forever. And go to Disney World and Disney Cruises every year. also give a BUNCH of money to animals in need.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I KNEW IT. That’s okay if this friendship is based on money. I still like you anyway. I can’t help it. 

      Cards and a Disney cruise. Girl, don’t spoil me. ;)

      Although…..I do have a pretty embarrassingly large collection of Disney pins that I could show off on the cruise. Pretend you never read that.

      You should still write forever. And ever. Until there is simply not another word left in you.

      • Lesley

        They do pin trading ON the cruise! You would be golden!!! Its awesome! You can run around with lanyards full of pins. Its super fun.

        And I will never EVER stop writing. Promise.

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          I just swooned and my eyes rolled back in my head from the sheer ecstasy of the thought of DAYS of pin trading. 

  • Princess Review

    I have tickets for $12M and $30M so when I win those (yes, both), I’m gonna buy a big honkin’ penthouse condo here in Vancouver and one in New York, Paris and London.  Divy it up amongst my family and friends, travel and donate a bunch too.  I’d also love to buy a piece of haute couture clothing.

    Oh, and quit my job too, of course!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      My dream is to get all dressed up in fancy haute couture and eat pizza and ice cream. Not much of a dream, but it’s mine and I guess I’ll take it. ;) But I promise not to ruin your fine threads. 

      • Lynellekw

        It’s good to have achievable goals.  And I reckon you could achieve at least HALF of that goal RIGHT NOW. 

  • Johi

    I would definitely buy a jet pack.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I’m fairly certain you’re going to rock that shit pretty hard.

  • Ally Gregory

    An entire farm and I would fill it with miniature animals.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Would you let peeps come by for a look or two? 

      Bam. Ticket sales = more moola.

  • Gena

    I’d use it to either buy a private island or an underground bunker somewhere, because I know that if I won the lottery, I’d suddenly be inundated with “relatives” I never knew I had before.

    I’d also buy a ticket to the Academy Awards so that I could photobomb everyone during the pre-show interviews.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      This is so fucking genius. Just thinking about it cracks me up. Hard. 

  • Alison

    I’d be a professional beach bum. 

    Oh wait, first I have to actually go and spend some money on a lottery ticket. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      See, this is my problem too. Every week, I’m geniunely surprised when I don’t win, and every week, Harv has to remind me that I didn’t buy a ticket. 

  • FearlessFibro

    Clearly, I would purchase an entire army of posable taxidermied woodland creatures, that I would dress for each holiday. And a big-ass house to display them in!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      This is an ESSENTIAL purchase, of course. You would be giving all those creatures a good final resting place. 

  • Jennifer Folmar

    1. pay off debts
    2.get better car and give old one to someone who needs it
    3. take care of  Mom and Dad
    3.5. go ahead and get married because fuck waiting for financial stability when you have a bunch of money all of a sudden
    4. get kickass house
    5. go on a sweet vacation or 5
    6. save for retirement and invest like crazy

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      these seriously rock like crazy. 

      3.5- can i be your flower girl?

  • Jane

    a weekly or at least a monthly housekeeper, dr. pepper and enough craft supplies to last me for a lifetime, pay off mortgage and cars, and a little extra pieces in my wardrobe if there’s some to spare.  :D

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      those housekeepers are such lifesavers. i’m fairly certain we would be living in filth and grime if we didn’t have one. also, i think we would be starving.

      I totally want to go on a craft supply shopping spree with you after you win big. We’ll strategically map out the best Michael’s, Joann’s, independent scrap stores….all of it, and then go crazy!

  • Andi

    I’m totally going to mooch off of you when you become rich.  I mean, I like you anyways but the lunch tab will be picked up by the person with the most money.  Which would be you, at that point.  That’s ok and not at all materialistic, right?

    What I’d do if I won the lottery:
    1) Pay off debts
    2) Put away money for retirement and kids’ college 
    3) Set up trust funds for my stepsister, and the kids of my close friends.  The cost of education these days is ridiculous.
    4) Possibly buy a mountain cabin.  This will be a dual vacation home/getaway in case of apocalypse and will be stocked accordingly.

    Honestly, I think that’s it.  I don’t want much.  I mean, I want stuff but it’s the stuff I already have and I just want to hang onto it.  

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Hell yes, you are absolutely welcome to mooch. I like your company and I’m willing to pay for it.

      Wait….just….a…..minute…..that sounds suspicious.

  • Noa

    My ass would travel all over this planet and see every-fucking-thing there is to see, but only flying in first class. When I have that much money, fuck economy right up the tight buttonhole. Butthole. Fuck you, new Mac corrective text. 

    • Misty

      Screw that first class shit, Noa. If you have that much cash, buy a mother lovin private jet!!! Woo-hoo, let’s go to Vegas, baby!

      • Noa

        How could I be so stupid. This is what I get for not being a bazillionaire.

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          Oo, how kinky. Tight buttonholes. I know that’s what you really meant. SUUUUUREEE it was supposed to be butthole.

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

        Misty, having Noa in Vegas would just be….epic….like I don’t know that we’d come back 100% after that. 

        But well worth it. 

        Let’s kidnap her.

  • jacqui

    I bought 4 lottery tickets on Christmas Eve because I ‘felt’ that I should. Apparently, I only felt it because the store needed 4 of my dollars. But I just know that something’s coming soon. I’m not sure what I’ll do with it though. I want to surprise myself.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Consider the $4 an investment in future earnings. 

      This is the logic I use when I spend like, $10 on twinkies and I tell myself it’s an investment in my happiness. What it really is is an investment to the gym I will have to join. Tomorrow. 

  • Ann

    I would buy this lake that I love.  It is the only single person privately owned lake in the north east (ok it’s a pond).  That old farm house (that I’m sure is haunted and I will never set foot in) and the fifty acre pond in the middle of a nature preserve will be mine. 

    So…yeah, I want to buy a house that I am afraid of on land that can’t be built on so I can have my own pond to kayak on (and possibly swim naked…Oh! NAKED KAYAKING!  Now I NEED that pond.)


    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      If we’re being honest here…..naked kayaking is a good enough reason to go anywhere, buy anything, and commit any felony. 

  • Sarah

    It’s more what I would pay off.  I would get rid of all our student loans, pay off our cars, buy a house and have children and stay home with them until they started school. 

    I wouldn’t do anything drastic because that’s how you get in trouble. I would sock most of it away into a conservative savings plan. But I would also probably take a really great vacation every year and fly to see my family more often.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I’m glad I read this because you KNOW I’m all about doing that drastic stuff. 

      You’re the levelheaded one. It’s probably a good idea to keep you around.

      • Sarah

        I will always be around, but not in the scary stalker kinda way. ;)

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          I’d prefer the scary stalker. I need some excitement in my life. 

          • Sarah

            Oops, my bad. One scary stalker coming right up. 

          • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

            Thought of you tonight. How goes it over in the new hood?

          • Sarah

            Good. I’ve been posting but I am going to try and get back on my regular schedule of posting a few times a week.

            I hope you Cal and Harv had a wonderful New Year’s Eve. :)

  • RandomHandprints

    first, can i just say the responsibility of the commenters is getting me down a bit.  if i win the lottery i will pay all of these folks debts down and their other practical dreams, but the rest is so going on something totally stupid, like a pet zebra. or a really large modern art installation on the front lawn that the neighbors will totally hate.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Can the pet zebra be part of the art installation? 


  • BABalicious

    I’d bring it home in green money cash form. Spread it all over the bed, jump up and down, throwing that shit around, screaming ‘I’m RICH bitches’. Once that fun wears off and I have to pick that crap up because I wouldn’t trust a sole with that job, I’d prance down the Magnificent Mile with my posse spending like there’s no tomorrow. Screw being responsible when you have that much cash.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      This is an excellent plan…but I just want to make sure you’re jumping up and down in a room with a high ceiling.

      Once, I had this really ghetto ass bf who had a low ass ceiling and well….my head still rings from time to time.

    • Ann

      This whole thing just kept making me think ” I hope she uses new bills, because otherwise….eeeeew!”

      • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress


  • Jaz

    I’d pay off whatever I end up owing for college (thankfully not much to begin with), put some money down for an apartment for me, put some money in the bank, get a little car, and give the rest to my mom. This was my plan, if I ever got rich n famous, for my first big check.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      That is like, the sweetest thing ever. Clearly, you mom done good.

  • ThePishPosh

    I have this planned down to the T. Like I have it mapped out if I only win 100k all the way up to 25million, even moderated down to taxes over 20 years. There are few limits to my imagination and fantasy regarding this :) I even have a business plan that involves starting an organization to help single mothers get better job training, safe childcare, and eat healthier that goes in a cycle. You see, successful women donate time for seminars and teaching. Then can then hire the women later. I provide jobs for other women who watch the children and healthier produce is provided in poor neighborhoods with community plots. Everyone is helping each other. Oh and lest you think I’m some crazy do-gooder my lottery plans also involve having a house with a slide from my bedroom straight into the pool.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      You….are my new hero. I wish I had this kind of organization to turn to when I was still a single mom. To this day, I have very, very few marketable skills. I mean, I can eat like a motherfucking champion and do laundry like a ninja, but not much else. 

      All heroes deserve slides that lead from the bedroom to the pool. It’s an unwritten rule. 

  • ThePishPosh

    But I would also pay off my entire $130,000 student loan and go BOOYA stupid horrible loan hanging over my head just so I can teach for pennies!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      let’s celebrate with a phat glass of bubbly on this occasion. being debt free feels fucking awesome. 

  • Rollerscrapper

    To be honest we are only friends because of money. Please deposit 5 dollars.
    I guess if I won the lottery the first thing I’d buy is a set of garbage pail kids and mail them to you since you’ve been investing all those 5 dollars on our friendship. It’s only fair.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      That’s what I like about you. Your honesty. *depositing TEN dollars*…because you’re worth it. (well, the other five is for the baby)

  • Laura

    It would be so wrong of me to say in public.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      No. No. Do it. Say it. Don’t make me beg.

      • Laura

        I love my mom, but I would hire a real medical person to take care of her so I could sleep normal hours and wouldn’t have to feel guilty.  I would buy a house somewhere peaceful with lots of trees where I could paint and my son and I would have a drama free life, and visit.   Then I would buy a trustworthy man because those that are, seem to be taken by someone else.   There has to be a store somewhere,  After that, its all about fun.  Pole dancing lessons, just because it looks fun.  One of those trampoline jumping things they have in the mall.  It has two very long poles angled out, and you wear a harness attached to bungee cords attached those poles over a trampoline so you can jumps 15 feet in the air and do flips.  A big pool.  Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy some bitchin’ stuff.

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          I used to have like, zero money, and at that time, I was under the impression that if I had some, it would buy me peace of mind and a joyful heart and all that other shit they always write about in Hallmark cards. Now that I’m not in that situation anymore, I wholeheartedly agree with you….money doesn’t buy happiness, but sometimes, it can keep unhappiness at bay. 

          I think hiring a medical professional to be by your mom is pretty awesome. After my grandma had her stroke, the family took turns watching out for her, then she had professional care. I think she felt a lot more comfortable AND I think she felt a lot more peace knowing that she wasn’t a “burden” to her kids. 

          I like your list. It’s dope. Especially the pole dancing part. I just read Diablo Cody’s memoir and I told Harv I want to own a strip club where they treat the girls real, real good. 

          • Laura

            Killer idea!  I think I will add that to my list, too.  Can’t have too many of those places.

  • Fred

    I would buy one of the Florida Keys. The I would go there and sleep for a week. Then I’d populate my island with beautiful women. You are definitely on the list. If you couldn’t leave your life, I’d buy it so you could bring it with you. Once a month, I’d go to the Middle East and ride camels around and wear a robe. I’d tell everybody I’m an albino. Wear cool shades. All that. They’d try to kill me, so I’d be able to practice my karate and stuff. Other than that, I just don’t know.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Fred, of all the lists I’ve ever been on, this is now my favorite. 

      I like how you’re all….oh, other than that….I just don’t know…when this sounds like a magnificently well thought out plan. ;)

  • Random

    Dude, I actually won the Publisher’s Clearing House once!!!!  Well…. I won a camera and a lifetime supply of film so long as I kept this little piece of paper.  Guess what I PROMPTLY lost?

    If I won the lottery, I’d pay off student loans.  Buy myself a car without dings in the paint from parking in public garages.  I’d pay off the bf’s debt.  And I’d buy my daddy a ranch.  And if there was enough left over, ridiculous shoes.  For me, and all my hos.  Because if you have the lotto winnings, you’re the pimpette!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      You lucky ass. We gotta hang more. I need your luck to rub off on me. PLUS, I’m really good at finding things, so if you lose anything, I’ll hunt around like your assistant till I find it. 

      I’m glad you’re thinking about all your hos. ;) That’s what real pimpettes tend to do. 

      • Random

        I’ve also (strangely) won a door prize at every single office party that has door prizes that I’ve ever been to.  One year it was 2 round trip airplane tickets.  This year it was an iPod shuffle….  I told you, weird crap happens to me.

        However, I can NEVER find anything.  So yeah, together we’re basically perfect.  Harv and M are lucky.  So lucky.

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          Uh. TOTALLY. They should thank their lucky stars every damn day. =)

  • Paula Morales

    I thought I was the only one with a Publishers Clearing House addiction as a little girl!  If I won the lottery (and I mean the big jackpot, not a couple of hundred), I’d pay off this ridiculous debt and I’d be real nice and pay off my parents and inlaws mortgage.  Then a Delorian from Back to the Future for the hubby.  And then a house with a big sign on the front gate that says “Keep off the grass, motherfuckers!”  

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Perhaps we should have combined forces when we were younger. ;)

      Parents AND in laws mortgages…..gangsta, you are dope as hell. 

      I want this sign for my yard. But I would have to add the words “And don’t steal my mail, motherfuckers” to it. we’ve been having issues..

  • Shaystone

    I know exactly how you feel. Every week the damn mailman puts my million dollar check in someone else’s mailbox:( I keep hoping someone will knock on my door, inform me that some rich relative I never knew about died and left me his/her fortune.

    First thing I would buy is a plane ticket to some place warm complete with beach, foo-foo drinks and a hot cabana boy that doesn’t speak english (or is mute) to cater to my every whim. Ahhhh, yes, THAT is my happy place.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      RIGHT?!?! How can they mix up the mail that many times. Isn’t that some kind of federally recognized crime?

      I want one of those rich relatives too. But hopefully, he/she only leaves me cash and not some lame ass llama farm. 

      Cabana boy. I like the way you think. 

  • Brittany Rae Olson

    This is the most lame answer I am sure but I would pay off my balance on my student loans and my home.  That is all my debt and it is under 50k… but still it looms.
    Then I would build me a bad ass log house.  By water.  Yep.  That is all. 
    Here in Montana once a year they do something called the Montana Millionaire.  Its one prize of 1 Mill, 5 $100k Prizes, 5 $10k prizes, and 250 $50 instant wins.  I have played for 4 years (as long as the contest has been going) and I have not one once.  I would even settle for a $10K prize…
    I am waiting patiently til 1/1/12, when they announce the winners.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Wiping the slate of 50K is pretty fucking awesome. Every dollar after is one that you can keep in your pocket if you want and that’s a GREAT feeling.

      I am SO going to lurk around your log house. Hopefully, you will invite me in. And not call the cops. 

      I will have my fingers crossed for you on 1/1. Don’t forget the little peeps, B.

      • Brittany Rae Olson

        NO worries there.  I will buy you something totally gangsta-rific!

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          Then I’m going to pray double hard. There….the ugly truth comes out…I’m selfish.

          • Brittany Rae Olson

            NO to the lottery. :( someone else needed it worse I suppose.

          • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

            shit fuck damn. next time, babe, next time. 

  • Angie Uncovered

    :( I’d pay off my stupid debts too. Then I’d put aside a chunk of money for each of the kids to have when they turn 35. The rest I would invest… IN MY HAPPINESS! Can I get an AMEN!?

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress


      And….AMEN!!!! I like to repeat myself when I believe in something. 

      35 is a good age….all those young uns that get a little sumthin sumthin when they are 18 always get in a shitload of trouble.

  • Amy T

    First, I would buy whores. You know a bitch needs a good ho.

    Then I would pay my student loans, send my mom on a long vacation (probably accompany her), go buck wild in Vegas (with you, of course), invest, retire, then probably buy some modest house and car so random people (aka thieves) think I’m not disgustingly wealthy and that the items in my home are mediocre at best and choose to skip my house.

    Oh, and in my modest house, have a water slide that goes from the second floor to the pool in the basement.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I just cracked up so fucking hard right now. 

      I’m thinking of opening up a strip joint, so you can bring your bitches over any time. 

      Hey, i totally expect this Vegas trip to happen. ;) I’ll pray for you to win big. 

  • Luda Kristen

    I’ve been sitting here staring at this blinking cursor for at least 12 minutes and I can’t think of a goddamn thing I would buy. How sad is that?

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I think it’s pretty dope…..must mean you got everything. ;)

  • Mamamash

    One of our favorite poor people games to play as we sit around eating beans and rice is “What if we won the lottery?”

    It’s usually the same thing – pay off our debt, pay off our family’s debt, buy a large plot of land with several houses on it, and then stuff the cash in various mattresses. 

    Oh, and hire our own sushi chef. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      BOMB ASS DIGGITY. I would also hire a private sushi chef. And another guy to make cotton candy. Because that’s how I roll.

  • Amber

    I have a set of Garbage Pail Kids still in the box, if you wanna make a trade! I think they have 30 year old gum in them too.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Oh, hell yes. I wanna make a trade. But….umm…..what could I offer you in return? I have some mad laundry folding skills and….uh….some Beanie babies somewhere. ;)

  • El Guapo

    An IMAX theater and a quality porn film.
    With midgets.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      It’s so hard to come across a quality midget porn film. It really is the bane of my very existence. 

  • Kelli Marks

    Small condo on the beach in Mexico. But a part where there are a lot of other (English speaking) Americans. While I think I know Spanish, the conversations I’ve had with a few Hispanic people have made me question my abilities. I’ll make wedding cakes for a resort or something, just as a hobby and you know, to keep me grounded.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I didn’t even *think* about staying grounded. I need you to remind me of these things. 

      I was going to hire my very own guard to keep watch over just my Garbage Pail Kids cards…so I guess that’s pretty ungrounded. 

  • newfoundjoye

    It’s funny. I’m that person that has never played the lottery. However, I am not particularly lucky anyway. I’ve never won a raffle or other door prize, so I never expect anything randomly free. That being said, if I happen to win some good money, I’d pay off my school loan first (nothing like getting rid of that burden first), donate to the needy, and save a small portion. Then, I’d spend it all! Ha ha…I mean, it’s semi-free money, right? Might as well use it.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Oh yes….spend it….spent it ALLLLLLLLLLLL. 

      I’m not very lucky either. The only thing I’ve ever won is a session of botox….when I was 20…, totally useless. But, I think my mom enjoyed using it. 

  • LessThanKate

    Love this. It is a good thing I don’t live within 10 minutes of a casino, otherwise I would have to say I have an actual gambling problem… Here’s the deal, I love the slots. Oh my goodness. Penny slots with bonus games make my life. And I ALWAYS think I am going to win that giant $600 jackpot (I’ve actually won the $200 and some jackpot before). So, I know the feeling of knowing you’re going to win every time. Perhaps I should be putting my luck into lotto tickets instead of slot machines! : ) Anyway, if I won the lottery, I’d pay off all my debt, and my parents’ and brother’s debt, then I’d help my brother make a down-payment on a house, and make huge additions to my own… Scratch that, I’ll give my brother the house I live in now and then buy or build my dream house. And then I’d buy a condo in DC. And that would probably be the last of the money (not even sure I could do all that with the lottery). Also, I’d probably donate some money to The American Cancer Society, and to my church, just so God doesn’t strike me down for being greedy with my new-found wealth. ; ) And then probably put some away for my future children and my brother’s child (and future children). And I’d pay for my whole wedding so my parents wouldn’t have to. After all that, if I had money left, I’d probably hire a house-keeper and buy a bunch of puppies. And… Probably do a bunch of traveling as well. And stay in the suite at the top of the Cinderella Castle in Disney World. And buy condos and life-long passes to Disney for my family. Okay, now I’m just getting carried away… ; )

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Ohmygod, could you move closer to me just so we could hang out and you could give me bomb ass ideas all the time? Either you’ve spent some major time thinking about this or your brains is just….rad. Especially the thought about donating to church. Because really, how are you going to be able to spend any of the dough if He strikes you down first. 

      Good thinking, my friend, good thinking. 

  • Ninja Kitty Extraordinaire

    My relationship with PCH is currently on hold – that said, I found my palms sweating and my eye doing this nervous tic bullshit while reading your post…. it’s like a damn drug. I remember spending hours methodically attaching those stupid stamps to all the appropriate little dotted squares – sometimes perfectly in line, and other times extraordinarily askew – all in the hopes of getting noticed…. paper cuts galore, but I was the muthafukin champion and I was going to save the world with my frivolous purchases!!!! *incoherent babbling followed by gentle sobs*  You know… reading through all these responsible comments, perhaps that’s the trick. I hereby vow to spend all but $10K on PopRocks!!!!!! To all the good folks of Port Washington, Long Island, NY: That $10K? All yours if ya hook a sista up! :D

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Would you be willing to dump a portion of the PopRocks into an empty swimming pool, invite a bunch of peeps over (including me, of course) and just before everyone jumps in, activate the load with water? Best fizzy dive ever. 

      i dare you

      You are bringing back SO many memories right now. Trying to line those damn fucking stamps with the lines….trying to get at one stamp while not tearing up the others….what a nightmare. 

      Still though….it was fun, wasn’t it. =)

      • Ninja Kitty Extraordinaire

        Totally game for swimming pool shenanagins!!! Better yet – let’s procure a wave pool for increased probability of fabulously fizzy diving! WOOT!

        *snicker* You know I actually used to have complete meltdowns when the perforated stamps would tear unevenly – it’s possible I even silently wept once or twice. I was convinced there was a sinister method to the madness and all eyes were on my entry! Years of therapy have done nothing to bring me to terms with all of that… But ya know what? TOTALLY WORTH EVERY LAST BIT OF IT! hehe I’d like to think the experience made me a better (if not more OCD) person. Don’t ask me how – I’m still working on that one……

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          oh, the whole PCH stamp think bled over into other parts of my life too. Like….remember when they used to have USPS stamps in books that were perforated. Well, I probably wasted liked a good $1 per book cuz I couldn’t tear that shit straight. Also, when I coupon clip, if I don’t cut EXACTLY on the dotted lines, I’m all “nope, this coupon is fucking worthless now.” 

          Maybe your therapist will have a group discount rate and we can go together. 

          • Ninja Kitty Extraordinaire

            Well shit… The fact that the stamp bookie thingie in my purse still has the perforated ones makes me suspect they’re no good! DAMN YOU, WORLD!!!! AND DAMN YOU, PCH!!!! *shakes fists angrily at nothing in particular*…. BWAHAHAHA!

            I do the same thing with coupons! Even the tiniest tear and I imagine it rendered somehow less than that 100th of a cent cash face value they put in tiny print! ….

            Hmmm… group discount rate therapy – GENIUS! I’m sure I could round up an entire gaggle of fruitcakes to further lower the rate! Doll, I love the way you think/plot!

          • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

            do you blog? I tried clicking on your name, but it’s not a link. 

          • Ninja Kitty Extraordinaire

            I do… just not very well! hahah! I’m a complete mess, and clearly incapable of following even the simplest of directions…. the address is

  • FunnyOrTragic

    I can’t help you out with this one.  I never win any scratchers, slot machines, hell, I can’t even win a gumball with a quarter.  My only claim to fame is winning TWO cakes at a cake walk in 4th grade.  I won a chocolate chip cake and a german chocolate cake.  It’s sad that I cling to the details…

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      The devil is in the details.

      Wait, fuck, I don’t think that fits here at all. 

      Yo, If *I* won two cakes, you know I’d be telling every body I ever met for the rest of my life about that shit. 

  • Brooke Farmer

    Every week I have coffee with this funny old man named Mario. He is 77 years old and, for the past twenty five years has spent five dollars a day on lotto tickets. That’s nearly fifty thousand dollars, for those of you who don’t have calculators on your cell phones.

    He figures he’s due for a win. And has promised that when he does win that I am going to be a major beneficiary. So, when he wins the lotto, I think I will buy a modest house in the Hollywood hills, a condo in CO for visits with my son and then I will enroll in college. Again. And I will go to college forever. I will get a degree in anything.

    Yes, I am that much of a nerd. I miss school. I loved college. Every semester that passes I recompile the materials for a masters program application. Then I remember that I can’t justify a 35-40 thousand dollar degree program based solely on the fact that it would “be really fucking fun.”

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Holy smokes. That is some dedication. I hope he wins and WINS big and you get the homes and everything you’ve ever, ever, ever wanted. 

      If I could go back to school, I would major in Library Sciences. I know that librarians are a dying breed, but it just sounds so fucking fun. 

      Fingers crossed for ya. 

  • Gwendolyn Francis

    OMG! Garbage Pail Kids!  I had forgotten about those.  I guess if I won the lottery I would finally launch my “Cheese Pen” business and have a commitment ceremony w/ my dog.  Maybe I’d pay off my student loans too…

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Cheese Pen? Do spill? Sounds likes something I need at least a dozen of. 

  • Rachel B

    I keep planning to win the lottery but as I don’t buy lottery tickets I’m missing an essential ingredient. However if I did come into a mysterious windfall I’d pay off my mortgage and student loans immediately. Boring I know, but then I’d be free to gallivant around the world without a worry. I still have two more continents to visit before I die and they aren’t going to come to me. At least that’s what my science teachers said when I asked about plate tectonics working in my favor.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Usually, that’s my biggest challenge too! I am totally surprised I don’t win, but I guess you have to buy a ticket or something to be eligible. So fucking complicated. 

      I like that you used the words “plate tectonics” to make a funny. What I’m trying to say is that I’m jealous of your smart humor.

      • Rachel B

        Ha! Now if I could only use my smart humor for good instead of evil. You know, like saving baby bunnies rather than laughing at old ladies who fall in the supermarket… Perhaps that should be my New Year’s Resolution. Well, that, and learning how to bend the continents to my will. Antartica will soon be mine! Mwa ha ha.

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          I like the way you think….if you’re going to dream, dream big. =) 

  • leanne koh

    That’s some good strategy you got there. I hope you win big!

    I’d pay back my mom for everything, take care of her. Give some to my dad and his family. My sister as well. Some charities/non-profit orgs/church. Put some in the bank.

    Then go crazy with the rest. of course.

    Happy New Year Liz!

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I volunteer to help you go cray cray with that stash. ;)

      Happy New Years L!!!!!

  • Amanda

    I’d buy enough land for a full family compound, Corleone style.  I’d get some young, good looking guys and outfit them with automatic rifles to guard all of my shit and keep the fam safe.  All of this would happen out in the country where all of my new shit could really be safe from maurading bands of thieves, because you never know who could be out there, not that I’m paranoid or anything.

    BTW, I have the complete fourth series of Garbage Pail Kids cards.  And the GPK movie–totally dope.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      This is taking the big pimpin status to a whole ‘nother level and I fucking love it. 

      If I get out of line, will these young good looking guards give me a patdown or something. OMG, sorry! Sorry, I just had to!

      also, i’m really insanely of your collection AND movie ownership right now. hold me. 

  • Emily Drevets

    I would  buy a new computer and a dinner at Chili’s: good food for a sensible price. I would also buy some tax software just for thrills. 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I always leave Chili’s thinking I got a steal of a meal. Especially after I ordered one of their Premium Margaritas for a pittance. That place really is a deal. 

      I also like very much that you would buy tax software. I need more friends who think like this.

  • Jenreinmuth

    ((Sigh)) Almost a week later and Disqus will FINALLY let me post.  Pfft!  Your blog is being all cliquey and shit.

    Anyhoo, after I win the lottery…cuz that shit is SO happening…I’m heading to Vegas with you, Becca, Chris, Sars, and Tazer, then Misty and I are going to Colorado to visit Johi, and then I am going to bring my Nathan Fillion action figure to Texas and stalk Noa.  Any leftover finances will be used to create my life-sized statue of Nathan, constructed entirely from endangered elephant tusks and Colombian blood emeralds.  Oh yeah, and feeding the homeless…if there’s any money left after the statue, that is.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Sorry my blog was being such a hoebag. 

      Are we only heading to Vegas if you win the lottery. Can’t it be before. I think it’s important we make it at least a yearly thing. And bring Johi. I really like that bitch. So much. 

      • Jen

        It will have to be soon because this rainy P-Town weather is driving me batshit crazy.  Le sigh…

        • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

          LET’S DO IT. 

          • you gotsars!

            Yes, lets dooooo it, and I will start buying tickets too… shit.

  • Whitney Romi

    My hubby & I have this completely planned out.  I don’t know why but this subject comes up almost weekly at our house.  It always ends in a fight -which is the dumbest part of it all.
    1st: of course because this is all in our heads, I would assume it’s like the mo fo’ing powerball where you win like 300mil, we right off the bat would give 1/2 to charity. -This is just good sense & good juju.  The last thing we need is to end up on those lotto winners-gone-bad shows.

    2nd: buy the Kansas City Star (newspaper) & print the front page story about the couple that won the 300mil powerball & how they lost every penny in a high-rollers game of darts the next day.  -of course this is only a ruse to get the beggers off our backs.

    3rd: buy a big ol house.  Not massive, just big enough that I don’t have to hear the kids screaming while I’m napping.  No, it’s not bad parenting…I will have a staff of nanny/nurses (ugly fat ones).

    4th: Give my brother my house that I live in now.  It’s small, in a not great part of town -but it’s better than nothing.  Again with the charity.

    5th: online shop my ass off.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      My husband and I have disagreements about shit that hasn’t even happened to us yet too!!

      Sometimes, we talk about what it would be like to have another child and I’m all “Oh you KNOW you better get up with that baby at night because I need 7 hours of sleep IN A ROW” and then he gets all frustrated because I’m shirking on my parenting duties. For a baby WE DON’T EVEN HAVE.

      I love your list. Especially number 2. That is some major good thinking. ;)

      • Whit Romi

        Thanks, it’s taken a lot of pain steaking conversation with the old man to get it all planned out. 

        We seriously fight more about things in our heads than things in real life.  I love that you are already pissed that you are missing sleep.  Thinking about another baby #1 makes me want to barf & #2 makes me instantly tired.  I feel you.

        This lotto talk with the man is so stupid because he starts it every time with, “Man if I could just win 10k” 

        -Then I’m like, what the fuck are you going to do with 10k?  You’ll pay off your 9k credit card bill & then there’s no money left for me.  Stupid.  If you are going to sit around & dream of paying shit off, why stop at only 1 bill?  Reach for the stars man!

        -Then he starts in on, “why are you so greedy?”

        -Then I say, isn’t this just a fucking pretend thing we’re doing here?

        -Then he points out that the odds for winning a smaller amount are much greater, which I would agree.

        -Then I respond by giving him some stats too.  The fact that we almost never buy lotto tickets makes OUR odds at winning anything -roughly- zero.

        -Then he reminds me of the time I threw away the $2 scratchers that was a $5 winner. 

        -Then IT’S ON!!!

        I wrote a post on my blog about the scratchers ticket
         yup, I just whore’d out my blog.

  • Mommy K

    I would Be practical and no fun at all with my winnings. I would buy a house, two cars, pay off my debt, and save the rest. Maybe go to Europe here or there. Yes i am that boring. :[

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Almost nothin as fine as livin in a house that’s paid off, cars that don’t need anything but gas, maintenance and some insurance and feeling flush with a boatload of moola in the bank. 

      Dope. Dope isn’t boring. =)

  • RaeAnn

    Urgh, puhleez, first you’d to give me luck, consider I don’t have much in me.

    If I do get lucky enough, that would then depend on the amount I get.
    I know this probably be boring, but i really do need it to pay college fees…
    After that, I wouldn’t mind using the rest up for a celebration partee! Yeah!
    And, of course, ElizabethFluorishinProgress, you’ll be invited!

    Now, where can I buy my lottery ticket?! 

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      I hope Cal grows up to be THIS responsible. I would love for her to think about paying for college first before getting the party started!!!!! =)

  • you gotsars!

    I have the usual pay off debts, buy a car, get new tits, move my parents far far away thoughts. Then there is the travel with friends and the SO. But my karma protector is the scholarship fund. I live in a college town, and since I had to work the whole time and never finished…. I will start a scholarship fund. But only for students that have to work full time. It will be a full ride but they can’t use the money to play. I want good humans. Then good tits.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Yay on the tips. I purchased mine three years ago and they are the gift that keeps on giving. I feel so much better in clothes. My only regret is that I didn’t go bigger. Much bigger. 

      • you gotsars!

        Too big and you’d only be able to be a stripper then you wouldn’t get to shop in normal stores. Plus there’s all the money you’d have to spend on colligen lips and butthole bleaching. Its just bad, so I think you made a wise choice… but you could always flip a coin and go back for a do-over.

  • Glamamom

    Pay off my mortgage and a summer house. Not much else.  I wouldn’t want to be flaunting it all over.  Mo money mo problems.

    • Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      2 houses= big pimpin. 

      Also, I would like to offer my house sitting services right now.