On the bright side- Only one of us went to jail

I once got kicked out of a courtroom. I don’t know what your measure of success is, but for me, when I can scratch things off my bucket list without even trying, I know I’m really winning at this thing called Life. Getting escorted out of a courtroom wasn’t even on the list, but afterwards, I thought about it, and it seemed pretty awesome. So I wrote it in between #23 (buy a New York Times in New York) and #24 (eat fried butter), called it #23.5, and immediately scratched it off.

Who am I to deny myself a freebie, y’all?

Why was I even in the courtroom? Identity theft.

If you’ve ever been the victim of identity theft and you’re reading this right now because you’re not in jail for slicing the thief in the Achilles tendon with a sharpened credit card they’ve taken out in your name, then I commend you. You’ve taken the high road and someone should recognize that kind of effort.

I received a cell phone bill for $865.23 from Cell Company C. Here’s the thing- I use Cell Company A. Because I like to be all detective-y and shit, I pulled up my credit report, made a few phone calls, and discovered that some unsavory person had used my personal information to open cell phone, satellite TV, and home electricity accounts, and had also taken out multiple credit cards in my name.

Because Felicia in Long Beach, CA (that’s right…I Name and Shame) had used my information to open services for her home that required an address, I was able to contact the local police. The detective’s advice was to sit tight and let them handle the situation.

But I couldn’t. So I called Felicia pretending to be a service provider.

Me: Hello, this is Satellite Company. We’ve been having issues with subscriber services in your area due to inclement weather. Could I please speak with the account holder?

Felicia: Gyeah, that’s me.

Me: For security purposes, could you please state your full name and the last four of your Social?

Felicia: Elizabeth Jayne Liu. 1234

Me: You’re Elizabeth Jayne Liu?

Felicia: I just told you I was. You want me to repeat it again, lady?

Wait just a minute…am I on the phone pretending to be someone else, and the person I’m talking to is pretending to be me? 

When they raided Felicia’s home several weeks later, they found stolen identity information for more than 50 people. I pressed charges. Not because I was angry, but because…aw, fuck it, I was angry. I did it out of spite.

I attended her hearing. I wanted to see what this Felicia looked like, and I wanted her to put a face to one of her victims. I sat several rows behind her, staring her down. For some reason, she felt compelled to turn around every two minutes, and there I was just staring. Okay, fine, I was staring and mouthing words and making hand gestures, but silently. Finally, she whispered to her public defender that I was making her uncomfortable.

I was escorted out of the courtroom for my hostile behavior. If I knew that was going to happen, I would have taken the opportunity to be a lot more hostile, but I guess we all regret things in life, yes?

Felicia avoided eye contact as she left the courtroom. I felt sort of bad that she got jail time and a huge fine, but then I felt sort of happy. Then I felt really awesomely happy. Because clearly, I’m a terrible person that needs one-on-one sessions with Gandhi or Mother Teresa about forgiveness and loving your enemy. But since they’re both dead, I guess one-on-one sessions with them would be sort of weird.

I hope Felicia learned her lesson. Also, I hope she stopped wearing Apple Bottom jeans.

Have you even been the victim of something illegal or just plain unsavory?
image via knockknock.biz


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