Monday Dare: Hospital gowns are a good look on me

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn about its origin.

This week: Try to get the fuck out of here. (Yes, this is a cry for help. RESCUE ME.)

I’ve always, ALWAYS wanted to start a post with:

Greeting from the pristine sands and calm, crystal-blue waters of the Maldives, which is totally unlike that unfortunate two-year-old’s birthday pool party you invited me to last weekend where everyone had to leave the pool for thirty minutes because little Ellen took a shit in the shallow end.

All I have for you today is:

Greeting from the ICU!

I’m not sure if anything I’m saying here is actually making any sense. To my brain, yes. But because thoughts have to cross so many channels to get onto the screen, I’m not that confident. Also, my inability to move more than three inches may have something to do with it. There are no less than 15 things attached to my body. I only know this because I tried to use the restroom earlier and well, I’ve decided it’s probably best to pee on myself from now on.

Friday night, when I was home alone, I started getting severe hives on 30% of my body. They were bothersome, but I didn’t think too much about them. Then, I started to feel my airways swelling and constricting. I decided to drive myself to the ER. Within minutes of getting IV steroids, norepinepherine, and antihistamines, I started to feel better.

Saturday night, I felt my eyes starting to swell shut. Oh fuck, Really?¬†Although it was really itchy beyond anything I’ve ever experienced, I had a make a choice: Finish watching one of my favorite episode of Frasier or go to the bathroom mirror to assess the damage. I chose the former.

By the time I moseyed on over to the mirror, I almost didn’t recognize myself. My entire face was covered in hives, my lips had swelled to more than twice their size, and my right eye was almost completely shut. I had hives over 90% of my front torso as well as my backside. Then it progressed to the legs…all the way down to the bottoms of my feet. Even on my scalp, y’all.

I’ll be forrealz. If it wasn’t for the small fact that I had a hard time walking on my soles covered with hives, I’d probably be giving you a shout-out from my desk today as usual.

After being admitted to the ER, I’m now getting the same course of treatment as last time, but it hasn’t been very effective. The hives are spreading, and some are forming on top of others. They itch like hell and they hurt like hell. Internally, I feel like my air passageways are constantly crowded and closed and several organs are tender to the touch.

So here I am in the ICU. With a bunch of old peeps. I don’t know when I’ll be going home, and this scares me, but I’ve made it my personal goal to get it crunk up in here. Sick people will enjoy Wiz Khalifa as much as I do. I’m sure of it.¬†

Have you or a friend ever been through a medical mystery? Have you ever been hospitalized?

P.S. I’m super chatty on the Flourish in Progress Facebook page. There are tons of pictures on FB that never make it onto the blog: Gangster Easter eggs, Flying Trapeze Pictures, Family Pictures with Harv and Cal, Reader Gifts…..a whole shitload of coolness. Just “Like” the page, and you’ll never miss an awkward moment or random thought again.
image courtesy of and the sharp eyes of Jill Seiman

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