sorry i pushed you in the head

I always turn to Harv when I need advice. Mostly because the advice is free, and it’s easy to track him down. Sometimes, when I call him during the day, he says he can’t talk to me because he’s “in a meeting.” I’m fairly certain he’s just trying to play hard-to-get, so I then text him every five minutes until he calls back in a huff. I’m assuming this is how a healthy marriage is supposed to work.

Last night was no different. I needed to pick his brain. It was important.Me: I can’t think of what I should write in your anniversary card. I need your help.

Harv: Wait. Are you asking ME what you should write in MY anniversary card?

Me: Yeah. I already have “Happy Anniversary!!!” and “I still probably love you” and “Thank you for still speaking to me after four years” written down, but it seems unfinished to me. Would you be happy with that?

Harv: I don’t…I don’t know.

It was pretty clear that Harv and his impossibly high standards weren’t going to be any help, so I went back to my desk to think.

I thought about apologizing for that one time I got extremely angry during a game of Scrabble because he wouldn’t agree that “pimpin” was a real word, and I “accidentally” pushed him in the head when I was “sleeping” that night. The sentiment seemed out of place. Plus, I still believe “pimpin” is a word, so it would have been an empty apology.

Dear Harv,

Happy Anniversary!!! I still probably love you. Thank you for still speaking to me after four years.

Thank you for loving me when I didn’t love myself.

Love always in all ways, Elizabeth

photo by Bonnie Tsang

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Comments

  1. That’s terribly romantic. 

  2. Brittany Rae Olson says:

    Smooth!

  3. Happy Anniversary! Hope you and Harv hit up some super upscale hardware stores and a really classy Jack In the Box. Nothing says love like 2 tacos for a dollar.  No seriously, I hope you kids have a great day.  Pimpin is totally a word. Harv needs to get his Jay-Z swerve on… then he’ll be going, “big pimpin spendin G’s….” That would be super awesome.  You’re obviously such a loving and caring wife.  I occasionally punch, I mean push the phubster in the head at night too. I have this crazy arm spasm reflex, it always acts up after a fight too. I mean I can’t help myself. It’s a medical condition….

    • If I’m super lucky, I might get Arby’s tonight. But only if I play my cards right. I might push for In-and-Out, but he doesn’t like to get shit twisted and go all fancy just ’cause it’s our anniversary. 

      Clearly, we’re big pimpin….which I am so very glad you agree is a word. 

  4. Pimpin is a word. I just think that some people haven’t been told yet, it keeps some of us hella smarter than them. Just like Hella is a word.

    But seriously, so sweet! I am so not good at those extra little somethings to add at the end to make the cards more gushy. You definitely nailed it. I hope you really crossed out the one part, like you did here. :)

  5. “Love you always in all ways.”

    LOVE IT. I’m stealing that, mmkay?

    Happy anniversary! How did Harv get so lucky with a pimpin’ lady like you?

  6. Happy anniversary, you guys!

    Y’all are way better than Russell and me. For our 1 year anniversary a little over a month ago, he gave me a Crock Pot and a card, in which he informed me that he generally thinks that cards are “gay.”

    I told him “Thanks. I didn’t get you anything.”

    Maybe we’ll be as awesome as y’all by year four….

  7. I like to approach romance from the other end.  Not like that, dirty bird.  I mean from the perspective of how little I hate my husband, compared to everyone else.  “I hate you less than everybody else on this or any other planet.  You are insane and evil, but in a complimentary way to the way in which I am insane and evil.”

    He always takes this in the spirit in which it was intended.  He gets me.

  8. Happy Anniversary! I loved this post! : ) I hope you have a the anniversary you truly deserve! Harv is one lucky guy, and, now a days, any lady who can find a decent guy is also a lucky lady. 

    P.S. Pimpin is a word.

  9. Megan Gordon says:

    Have I told you that the fact your husband’s name is Harv makes me incredibly happy? I don’t know why, maybe flashbacks to “Cagney and Lacey.” Lacey’s husband was named Harv.

    Do you have any idea what I’m talking about or am I too old?

    Happy Anniversary!

  10. Aww. Happy Anniversary!

  11. This is beautiful, I have tears… seriously. and just so you can feel justified for the head pushing,

    via Urban Dictionary
    1.Pimpin
    1) To work it with a member of the opposite sex
    2) A compliment used when someone is wearing platinum chains, Fubu™ clothes, etc.
    3) An object of high appeal

    also see pimpette
    1) Ricky is pimpin wit dem hoes
    2) Damn dawg, your pimpin it with that chain
    3) That Jaguar is pimpin

  12. Abby Adams says:

    Love this. Happy anniversary!

  13. You crack me up. Seriously.

  14. Happy anniversary! 

  15. Very sweet. I’m glad you appreciate how very lucky you two were to find each other. Some never do. Plus, you’re both so pretty!

  16. Is that picture of you and Harv? You two are so damn cute I just want to squeeze ya until I hear a popping sound!
    If you recommend it to Webster’s they will probably add pimpin to the dictionary for you next year. :) They are good that way. 

  17. Where were you when I was writing my vows…?

  18. Miranda Kaye says:

    Awwwww!!! You guys must be so funny together. I’ve never seen the “always in all ways” I’m stealing that…for when I have someone to use it on lol. And…you’ve been pimpin since been pimpin since been pimpin! – How High. :D

  19. Sometimes I look at Adrian and think, “How did I trick you into thinking I’m a good enough person to marry?” Those days tend to fall around the times I yell at him because the bed isn’t made the right way. I don’t really know where I was going with this comment, because now it sounds like I’m accusing you of being a bad person. 

    Happy Anniversary!

  20. Awww.. Happy Anniversary!

    And in my book there is no need for an apology when a slight head push was all that happened.  To ex-husband #2 at the 4 year mark, after a really shitty shitty (yes, that is shitty X 2) day of fighting over the fact that dating isn’t an extracurricular activity of marriage and agreeing to disagree, I might have accidentally taken both feet to his ass in bed and shoved him right off to the floor then blamed it on his own bad dream.  Hmmm…. Not a scrabble disagreement, but very close.. So in my book, you are all good and Harv is very lucky to have You!

    And btw… Pimpin is a word sista *fist bump*

  21. Happy Anniversary!  You guys are adorable.  
     
    I am not good at sentiment, so I usually find a card that says it all and just sign my name.  Early in our marriage, I tried to be all flowery and shit but it didn’t stick.  I’m kind of a guy about that stuff.  Although, I’m a very POLITE guy and it took me over ten years to tell the Hubs to stop buying me flowers.  They’re pretty, then they die which reminds me of my mortality and is all weird and depressing.  Then I feel guilty for throwing them out because they cost money and I let their dead little flower corpses hang around for far too long.  

    Last time, he gave me a Starbucks gift card.  Much better.  

    Pimpin’ is totally a word.  Needs an apostrophe, though.  

  22. “Love always in all ways” = win. You are such a word master and pimpin is totally a word, though maybe if you explained that “pimpin” is the modern spelling of “pimping” he would understand. Pimping is a word according to dictionary. com and no one can argue with that. 

  23. Happy Happy to you and Harv!!  So glad you found someone who still puts up with you after 4 whole years, and vice versa.  That is true love, yo.  Oh, and I like the original, but the end result sings baby.  Hope you guys have a great day.

    Oh, and the hubs once punched me in the head while he was sleeping.  He SAYS he was dreaming that he was fighting off a group of ne’er-do-wells who were attacking us in his dream.  Yeah, sure.  Way to protect me from the hooligans, buddy!  Glad you weren’t armed in the dream.  I might not have had the chance to wake up the next morning, and then subsequently never let you ever forget that you PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD.   

  24. Awww…. so sweet! :)  Y’all are stinkin’ cute.  Stinkin’ in a word too.  But if you run across someone stinkin’ and pimpin’ at the same time, turn and walk away, quickly.

    I tell my boyfriend thanks for loving me even though, and possibly because, I’m crazy.  But in a good cupcake for breakfast way kind of crazy.  Not a chain-you-to-a-bed-and-break-your-ankles-crazy.  Because even I don’t expect someone to love me if I did that.  Then he usually sings an 80′s metal band love song at me and we’re happy. 

    Really Harv should be so so so flattered that you value his input.  You asked him before you even asked Twitter.

    • Majorly good advice for all women. Married or single. Stinkin+pimpin=no bueno. 

      Sad to say, there have been some mofo’s in my life would totally have liked this “chain to the bed break ankles business” a la Misery. At least, I’m assuming so because they spent a lot of time in prison and I’m just assuming that’s the kind of thing you grow to love while on “the inside.”

  25. Aw, happy anniversary!  And, that is possibly the nicest card I have ever read.  Hallmark needs to hire you asap.  

  26. Happy Anniversary to you both!  Have a fucking awesome day!

    Sometimes when no one is looking, I still hope.  

  27. So unfair! You had me laughing and snorting and then BAM you execute a surprise attack with these “authentic words of love”.   I wasn’t prepared and now liquid is coming out of my eyes. Damn it!

  28. happy anniversary to you guys!!  

  29. Happy Anniversary you poet!  Love your message.

    Oh and pimpin is so a word.  Harv needs to get with it.

    Lisa

  30. Happy anniversary! 

    I was totally laughing at the whole “pimpin’ is a word” discussion (it TOTALLY is, IMHO) and then – BAM – you got me straight through the heart with that last line.

    Hope you guys have a great day celebrating. 

  31. I always knew you were a gangsta with a heart of gold! Happy anniversary to you both!

    P.S. Love that photo.

  32. First of all, I’ve actually seen “sorry I pushed you in the head” used on a children’s valentine.  (not by me, if I did it, they deserved it)

    Then you go and make me all teary-eyed.

    Happy Anniversary.

  33. Aw, what a sweet card!! Happy 4th Anniversary!

    We here, in my household, don’t even know when our anniversary is! 

  34. So I totally read this early but I’m just getting a chance to comment now. This is precisely why the hubs and I don’t exchange cards. Mind would read something like “thanks for making dinner every night”. We can be hopeless together.
    :)

  35. Eh, cards are overrated. I think that men like “other” things on their anniversary anyway. He probably won’t even remember the card…..
    That being said, I actually think what you wrote is precious and very true of marriage.
    Happy Anniversary!

  36. I try to be mushy, but guys don’t like mushy. At least my guy doesn’t. I think after six years of marriage and ten years together ours are somewhere around ‘Hey, we haven’t killed each other yet! Awesome!’

  37. I love anniversary cards…you get to be mushy and sweet despite the fact that you’ve been a raging lunatic for the entire year. LOL I find it hard to express something meaningful and sweet that I haven’t already said in previous cards.
    Enjoy your anniversary and don’t give Harv too much trouble. ;)

  38. That was simplistically brilliant. Might be hard to top next year, though. Cheers to you both on another year! 

  39. My husband said he didn’t sleep well last night becuase early in the night I accidently hit him in the face while I was dreaming and he kept one eye open in horror until morning. Oops. Thank goodness for men that tolerate us! Happy Anniversary!

  40. Hey – that’s pretty awesome!  Of course, we really know how to bring on the romance around here.  Either I spend the first few days of May trying to remember when our anniversary is, or we both wait for my husband’s mom’s friend to send us an anniversary card.  So, unless you actually choose your anniversary to push Harv in the head again, you’re guaranteed to do better than at least 1 other couple on earth.  It’s good to be not last.  :)

    Happy Anniversary

  41. You’re amazing and hilariously funny! I just fall to pieces with laughter whenever reading your posts! I could totally hang with you :) Oh, and I just about DIED when I read your story of the Scrabble game with Harv! It was great! Even more funny because my mother, aunt, and grandmother absolutely LOVE to challenge each other at scrabble, and they get suuuuuper competitive and constantly fight over which words are usable or even real. My grandma loves to use so called “Haiwain words” to use all her vowels which drive my mother and aunt insane. However I forgot to mention the twist to their scrabble games. They like to call them “Drunk Naked Scrabble” challenges. Lots of Drinking (except we limit my aunt who plays better when drunk) and often some sort of nudity and LOTS of profane language when challenging word look ups! Oh and they have a “Drunk Naked Scrabble Bitch” Trophy they compete for. Its really just a hidious sculpture my dad made in highschool, but its now their Scrabble Bitch Trophy! My Aunt Jen is the current Scrabble Bitch in case your wondering :)

    And I think that your Anniversary card message is super sweet :) I absolutely love it. Happy Anniversary and Best Wishes :)

    • WAIT A MINUTE…How do I get invited to this scrabble get together? I’m totally suck at scrabble (as evidenced by pimpin) but I’m extremely good at getting drunk, swearing AND stripping. 

      Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, btw. Most appreciated.

  42. That is classic. Happy anniversary!

    PS – pimpin is so a word!

  43. someone’s gettin it tonight. happy annibeersary, suga.

  44. Sometimes  you need someone to show you how loveable you are in order to love yourself.  You and Harv sound lucky to have each other.  Happy Anniversary!

  45. awe you cleaned it up good =)

    Hey at least he knows with you, there’s neva a dull moment!

    Congrats!!!

  46. #1, pimpin is a word in my book! #2, I also become a sleep hitter when I don’t win at scrabble!

  47. Shannon Colleary says:

    I had a colonoscopy on my wedding anniversary.  Nothing say “I love you” like allowing someone to drive you home after someone’s scoped your ass.  

  48. Happy birthday to you both! Enjoy your day!

  49. Why is that husbands call back in a huff?  You’d think they’d be happy to hear the voice of their lovely wives.  I agree with the playing hard to get thing.

  50.  Happy Anniversary to the both of you! What a healthy relationship you have. a great mix of fun and seriousness. You compliment each other well, from what you’ve told us. I hope you had a great time celebrating. How are you going to top yourself for year #5?

  51. Absolutely beautiful!!!

  52. lol. You made me laugh. *Snort snort*. (That’s why your husband loves you. )
    I love your anniversary card. It’s…honest. Somehow…it touch a part of my heart, my soul. I’m impressed. More touched, I think. And I don’t get touched easily. At least not by a sentence. I think your husband’s gonna love it.
    Happy Anniversary! =)))

  53. RollerScrapper says:

    Happy anniversary! You should have called the urban as a reference. I’m positive pimpin is in there!

  54. Love the accidental kicks

  55. That’s just beautiful. Congrats! ;) 

  56. That sentiment covers what a good marriage should be! Congrats you two :) 

  57. Happy anniversary!

    My first Valentines card to my now-husband was painstakingly hand drawn with the assistance of an anatomy textbook.  It showed a human heart in cross-section, demonstrating that the traditional teaching of “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” was completely incorrect.  Romantic cards aren’t really my thing, if I’m honest.

  58. Aw, that sentiment says it all.  Happy Anniversary!! :)

  59. Lady Jennie says:

    You are very lovely I must say.

  60. ahh! Happy Anniversary! That is a terribly romantic card. But as we both know, you are good with cards. 

  61. A Mommy in the City says:

    I know I am late, but Happy Anniversary! Love that we share the same day.  Now please remember to remind me next year when it’s coming up so I don’t almost forget like I did this year. ;) 

  62. Haha, oh Liz, you’re hilarious! I can imagine Harv thinks it’s so amusing being with you bc you keep it fun & interesting =)

    Yes, I can tell you about the countless times I “accidently” hit my husband here or there and the one time I punched him in the arm so hard it bruised…actually,  I think I shouldn’t or someone might call social services on me.

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