Monday Dare: I offended a granny. Again.

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Stop swearing. Again. 

It’s fucking time. Goddamn.

Last year, I challenged myself to stop swearing. It led to drugs.

Since then, I’ve been able to convince myself that my swearing isn’t a fucking problem. All was well in my state of denial until I went to the damn grocery store yesterday.

As I was picking out bell peppers, a lovely granny tapped me on the shoulder and asked for help selecting two cucumbers. They always place those bitches on the top shelf of the refrigerated case at my local store.

We exchanged names. We made small talk. I learned that Jan recently broke three of her motherfucking toes while watching her seven grandchildren during the long Labor Day weekend. Her two sons and their wives were in Cancun. She broke her toes on Day Two of the four-day trip. Like a badass, she went to the doctor, got her toes X-rayed and taped, and kept right on watchin’ those kids. I think Jan may be a fucking saint.

After I reached up and got the cucumbers, Jan asked how much they were. She left her glasses at home and couldn’t see the sign. Broken toes AND blind. She was a hot mess. I liked her.

Me: Holy shit, these assholes are $1.99….EACH!!

Jan: Excuse me, young lady, what did you say?

Me: These bitches cost $1.99! They must have crack in ‘em.

Jan walked away, leaving me with two very expensive cucumbers possibly laced with drugs or diamond dust. Yeah, shit got real.

I thought she decided against the vegetables because they were so spendy, but Harv says it was because my unladylike language offended Jan. Of course, my natural response was to claim that there was “nothing un-fucking-ladylike about me, motherfucker.”

I have carpool duty this Wednesday. This is probably a very timely Monday Dare. I care about young people a shitload, and I’m going to do my best not to fuck them up with my damn swearing.

P.S. Thank you for letting me get it out of my system right now.

Ever caught yourself swearing at an inopportune time?
image via pinterest

I shouldn’t be trusted with any amount of money

I had grand plans for my re-entry into the retail world. And by “grand plans,” I really just mean that I was going to stick to buying a few basics and maybe splurge on something fancy like a sparkly new pair of heels or a Halloween sweater. Not just any Halloween sweater, but the kind that my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Davis, had: pumpkin face on the front with secret-switch-activated light-up eyes.
Instead, I decided to splurge on home decor. I might even venture to call it art. I came across a company that cut wooden letters in a pimp-ass font. Their site had all sorts of suggestions for different messages I could string together. Perhaps a “Happy Birthday” or “Welcome” or “Lovers in Love.”
I chose this:
(Gangstas and Hos)

Something about it spoke to me. And really, isn’t that what art is all about? I plan to hang it in our foyer. I think it sets the right tone when guests walk in. Like a “Welcome” with a subtle hint of “Gyeah, we keep it real around here.”

(I’m sorry it’s such a terrible picture, but you know what money can’t buy? Talent.)

What’s the most “interesting” purchase you’ve ever made? Bad, good, ugly, scary…..

“Like” the Flourish in Progress Facebook page to see pictures of the trapeze class I took this week. I did not break any bones. Yes, I’m surprised by that too.
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first image via pinterest