big pimpin’

I worked a series of shitty or low-paying jobs. Sometimes, I got lucky and they were shitty AND low-paying.I worked eight hours a day at a dry cleaner sticking my hands into pant pockets to retrieve hooker phone numbers, money, snotty tissue, weapons, hairballs, syringes and other vestiges of daily life. I straightened lotions and potions at beauty emporiums.I spent time wrapping gifts in a cold downtown warehouse, eavesdropping on the boyfriend drama of my fellow gift wrappers.

I even spent a day at home, sitting in front of the television, watching 10 straight episodes of Little House on the Prairie to see how much of a lazy underachiever I could be. Result: it was my most promising career path.

Each time I applied for a new job, along with a bevy of specific questions relating to that particular industry, the manager always asked the same three questions.

  1. Have you ever stolen anything?
  2. Do you feel like you’re a team player?
  3. Do you follow directions well?

On a callback interview for a women’s clothing store that promised a pimpin’ $5.75 an hour, the manager, Kristy, asked those same three questions again. Kristy had already asked the questions during the first interview. I think she was trying to trip me up.

What Kristy didn’t realize was that I was a hot commodity and the kitchen goods store across the hall had already offered me a WHOLE QUARTER more per hour. I had already accepted the position at the kitchen goods store, but I came to the callback interview to see if I could finagle a 50-cent raise. If things went my way, I could probably afford to start paying rent AND buy food. The future looked promising.

Kristy started with the clothing company’s mission statement. It took five minutes for her to finish her speech, but the gist of it boiled down to: Sell clothing to teen girls. Make money.

She then promised that after six months of dedicated work, I would be looking at a raise of at least 10 cents. I could see that I wasn’t going to get the 50-cent boost in initial pay I was hoping for. Kristy was long-winded, and I needed a way to end the interview fast. My stomach was growling, and I had already decided to treat myself to two 99-cent Taco Supremes from Taco Bell and a full-sized Cinnabon. The sooner I got out of there, the faster I could start my feast.

“Have you ever stolen anything?”

I paused, looked her straight in the eye and replied, “Well….I’ve never been caught.”

That did the trick. She cleared her throat, stood up and said that they would call me when they made their final hiring decision

I’d love to hear some of your job interview stories.

Flourish in Progress is FINALLY on FACEBOOK. It only took me six months to figure it out. Clearly, I’m a genius. Let’s connect! Give a girl a “Like!”

image via frankticmeerkat shop @

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