the slhf disease

I think I have The Syphilis-Leprosy-Herpes-Fungus Disease growing on my left cheek. I can’t see it, but I know it’s there. I’m waiting for my cheek to fall off. It’s probably going to hurt a lot, but mostly, I’m concerned about my ability to effectively chew Twizzlers with such a huge hole in my face.

I got the disease as a result of a drive-by several weeks ago.

I abandoned my family to spend time with my buddy-since-junior-high, Kris.

We headed out to a crowded club. I managed to brush my hair and throw on a little Carmex. That may be where I went wrong. Perhaps the come-hither menthol scent of my $1.79 lip balm drove the men crazy.

We made new friends. We asked important questions.

“Sir, why do you need sunglasses when it is already so dark in here?”

“Sir, was the whole shirt too expensive? Is that why you only purchased half of it?”

“Sir, could you step back just a little? Your spittle is watering down my glass of wine.”

Instead of asking my new friends such serious life questions, I should have been paying attention to the power of my lip balm.

One man leaned in and whispered gently in my ear, “You smell nice.”

“It’s Carmex. Just a little something I don on special nights.”

And The Syphilis-Leprosy-Herpes-Fungus Disease giver? He didn’t even bother with conversation. He leaned in and kissed my left cheek as he walked by. It didn’t even slow his stride.

A drive-by kiss, y’all. Lordy, at least have the courtesy to ogle my breasts or pinch my ass first.¬†
Any funny girls’ night out stories?
p.s. If the new commenting system is giving you any trouble, please send me an angry email.

p.p.s. Another interview! A big thanks to Hyphen Magazine and Theresa Celebran Jones

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