what’s a good substitute for swearing? drugs.

It’s probably a good idea to sit down; I have some disappointing news. I fucked up really messed up this week. Well, not that much…I’ve only cursed 19 times since Monday morning. I’ve been keeping track. And hey, at least I’m honest about it. I must be a saint. 

The count would have been a lot higher, but I concocted a brilliant substitute for swearing.

Drugs. All kinds of drugs. Crack cocaine, crystal meth, marijuana, heroin, LSD, ecstasy…. really, the list is endless.

I wasn’t going to share my little trick with you, but my big generous heart won out, so here’s the plan:

Every time you feel a swear word reaching the tip of your tongue, immediately substitute a drug. 

I accidentally kicked the toilet yesterday (don’t ask). Instead of my usual, I shouted with passion and vibrato, “CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE!”

It worked like a charm.

Because I care about my health (not really, we had some veggies languishing in the fridge), I juiced this morning. Since my juicer hadn’t seen the light of day for a while, it was a process just to get one small cup of juice.

I had to find all the parts, rinse off all the dust, wash all the veggies, cut the veggies to fit the juicer opening, juice the veggies, then immediately rinse the parts so they wouldn’t “crust,” and then I was ready to enjoy my juice.

Since I’m 30-years-young and I’ve got the coordination of a brand new baby, instead of grabbing the cup, I knocked it over.

“CRACK COCAINE!”

I’ve gone through so many drugs, I’ve resorted to looking up slang for variety.

Angel dust, people. It’s not just something they sell at Victoria’s Secret.

The best unintended side effect is that Cal now associates all drugs with horrible mishaps and she’s less likely to become a druggie. I’m not cursing AND I’m teaching my daughter a valuable lesson. BAM! I’m a genius. 
______
On a drug-related (not really) note, my mom has been suffering from insomnia. She’s tried all sorts of remedies but she’s still having trouble sleeping. I thought about suggesting a little pot, but she might like it a little too much and turn into a druggie granny and then I’d lose my best babysitter, so I’d like a little advice, folks.

Any insomnia cures?
photo via blueq.com

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  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16107214079237461141 areyoukiddingme

    Yeah, I work in a crime lab – if I start shouting drug names down the hall instead of the swear words, people will likely get confused. But I will suggest it to my colleague, who is a drug chemist, and has a 7 month old son. A few good rounds of METHAMPHETAMINE instead of MFer might come in handy.

  • http://justmakingconvo.com/ justmakingconvo.com

    Hahaha!!! I love it!

    I only wish I could pronounce CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE. Would street slang work as well? You know, Dizzy D, Buff Stick, Bugger Sugar, ChaChaCha, Chalk Dust…etc.

    (I swear, I just looked those names up online.)

    Has your mom tried melatonin? That usually works wonders for me. It’s the only thing that doesn’t leave me feeling groggy in the morning.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16489592695993949578 Marinka

    Wait, so is it okay to just say the drug name, or do we have to actually, you know, ingest it? Please respond ASAP before I make a mistake.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17210832629299621129 TheBabyMammaChronicles

    That’s hillarious. Glad it’s working for you! Maybe your Mom could try something herbal or whatever from a store like GNC? I think they have some things that help with sleep. (I’d definitely do a little research before trying/buying of course as FDA doesn’t control.)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06432397460041356445 Jennifer Clark

    Absolute genius, I say! Very clever and I’m certain, deeply satisfying.

    Tell Mom to take a couple of Benedryl about 30 minutes before she gets in bed. Non-habit forming and safe. I take it to cope with my insomnia. Of course, I chase ‘em with chardonnay….

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05134348512629558645 Amanda

    I can just see that not working at my house as my boys have a tendency to loudly repeat any new words they’ve learned at home while they’re at school. Getting a call from school about why my kids are yelling CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE is not really high on my list of priorities. When my kids curse at school, the director says she knows us and not to worry about them learning that kind of language at school!

    Has your mom tried Benadryl? Is she eating a healthy diet and getting enough exercise?

  • http://www.refocusreframe.com/ Karen

    Masturbation. (Or sex with another, if possible.) What’s better than an orgasm to put someone to sleep!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14258891696397242203 Staci

    Oooh! I had horrible insomnia for almost 2 years. It’s a wonder I didn’t kill anyone. Try a little sleepytime tea, vitamin D3 and some melatonin capsules or valerium.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14258891696397242203 Staci

    Sleepytime tea has valerium in it. I actually read that magnesium might be better than valerium for insomnia. No computer or news before bed and a warm bath may help too. Hugs to your mom. Insomnia is no joke.

  • Dasol

    Ahahahaha great trick Liz!
    Excercising in the evening helped me a lot.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02458505422126658793 Sarah Walton

    Best cure for insomnia? Sleep.

    Oh, and I’m having a particularly P.M.essy kind of day, so tried yout theory, but I am old and boring, so I ran out of good drugs.

    It’s not so cathartic when you start screaming out “PANADOL!” and “ANESTHETIC!”

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00986231358585797741 Elizabeth – Flourish in Progress

    areyoukiddingme- if things go awry with your suggestion, please for the love of God, do not mention that it was my idea. i do not want to piss off a drug chemist.

    justmakingconvo-ohmygod, you are such a life saver. now i have a whole new pile of things i can say for the rest of the week. also, i will “believe” you that you just looked all those words up.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00986231358585797741 Elizabeth – Flourish in Progress

    marinka- STOP! NO! DON’T SWALLOW THAT…ooops, too late. I knew I should have responded sooner.

    babymamma- hey mama, i’m gonna go browse gnc. thanks for the suggestion

    Jennifer- I think Bendryl will make an excellent Christmas gift. Also, some wine in a box. I’m going to be her favorite daughter. Wait…I’m her only daughter.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    Amanda- Yes, I can see this unfortunate situation at school unfolding. It is hilarious yet disturbing. Maybe just stick with the old-fashioned stuff in your house.=)

    Karen- I choose not to think of my mother in that way. *shudder* obviously, i am very mature

    Staci- holy smokes, two years is a long time!! i’m glad you didn’t get homicidal either. great suggestions. thank you.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    Dasol- girl, do your parents know they’re sending you to Harvard and you can’t spell exercise? also, i love you! don’t forget to call me when you get home for break.

    Sarah- HAHA! Panadol. I am putting that on my list for tomorrow.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10620366121283927739 kathy

    I teach and when I am in the classroom I say “curse words” meaning I say the phrase “curse words” It works pretty well and usually gets a laugh. The only problem. The kiddos (high school) go home and tell their parents that I say curse words in class. Do you see the confusion?

  • http://stella.blogsome.com/ Stella

    This made me laugh so much :)
    I thought maybe your swear word substitution might be a good alternative because I swear like a sailor on a bad day, but it’s usually at work, and yelling out CRYSTAL METH might not be a better alternate…?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05835418660606605360 Kelli

    Too lazy to read the above comments to see if anyone already mentioned this, but I’ve read studies that say that the act of cursing actually relieves pain. So, for your health, I think you should curse, you know if you injure yourself really badly.

  • http://ducksmahal.com/ Audubon Ron

    It won’t work. There are too many syllables to manage in Crystal Methamphetamine. The richness of a swear is in the economy of the blurt. For instance, “Well FUCK ME DEAD!!!” That’s a four beat count on the “one”. Right-there! No tongue twisting. Case closed. Contrast that with “Well Meth am phet ta mine.” Very weak. Too bulky. You’ll trip up. I’m telling you, very shortly you’ll be all, “Well Meth am phucking pheta mine – and her brother too.” See, you’ve got to think of these things.

    As far as Mom, no advice here, I’m an insomniac too. The older I get the higher the thermostat is set in my house and the earlier I get up, like 3. Does your mom Facebook? Maybe I’ll see her around at like -3.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12574615742310337050 Kernut the Blond

    You are genius! This is a great idea (and really funny!). me, being over-the-top (read: a tad dramatic at times) I’m tempted to say “M***er F****n Angel Dust”. I’ll work on it, tho. On second thought, seeing as how I’m member of a group that gave up all those things, I can see how yelling “Crack cocaine” might get me mobbed.

    Ok, so I too suffer from insomnia – or did. For your mom: No caffeine after 2 or 3pm. NONE. No late night snacks of protein (small carbs ok.) Take a calcium/magnesium/D combo vitamin (cheap at Trader Joe’s) 1/2 hour before bed. That takes about one to two months of regular use to work. Also, if that doesn’t, I use half a Unisom. (not benadryl/dyphenhydramine – that can have the opposite effect, despite what they tell you). Good luck!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03656313802004861008 Qwendykay

    That is genius. I am so trying this trick out, because Mr. Man can’t stand swearing. He finds it terribly unattractive… isn’t that crazy.

    Melatonin is great for insomnia. Take it an hour before you would like to sleep and take it daily. Within a week it should work, or so my mom’s voodoo doctor says it should.

  • http://www.bugginword.com/ Elly Lou

    Well shit. I’m all hyped on the drug references but I still really like to curse. I suppose combining them is out of the question, eh? Like, “Heroin Vagina” isn’t really much better than Asshole I suppose.

  • http://onestrangechick.blogspot.com/ Karen

    Luckily I only have cats, so when I shout out a curse they all think it’s treat time and come running. I’m so sorry about your mom’s insomnia. I found that meditating (not the kind where you have to wear an orange robe, the easy American kind) can be really helpful. I learned how with Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book Wherever You Go, There You Are. If nothing else, it might help her feel a little calmer, which is always good for sleep!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    kathy- i see the confusion, but more importantly, i see the genius

    stella- see, that’s where you’re wrong. if you’re having a cruddy day at work and you start yelling out drugs, people might think you’re crazy and then handle you real special if you know what i mean. also, you could be unemployed soon after, so yeah, okay, i can see how that might not work.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    kelli- i think you should come live with me. that way, when i curse, you can tell people this very important, proven fact and then people will be more understanding

    audobonron- i feel really lucky to have you around right now, because when i go back to swearing next week, i’m going to remember your wise words and know that i’m just being effective, not tacky

    kernut- please do not try this trick, then. you are too valuable to be ambushed for some non-existent crack cocaine. thanks for the insomnia tips.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    qwendykay- please let me know if shouting drugs instead of swearing is more attractive to the man. ohmygod, i wish i could be a fly on the wall the first time you do this.

    ellylou- actually, i find that quite eloquent. what better way to celebrate a part of the female anatomy than to attach it to an illegal, life-diminshing substance. do it, i say!

    karen- this is very funny. and cruel. i hope you have a few treats ready after you shout s%$#. also, i will suggest the meditation, but i will add that the orange robe is a must. this is why my mother loves me.

  • http://penelopelife.com/ Penelope

    Genius and I love the extra parenting bonus for Cal! WAY TO GO!

    As far as insomnia…reading + tea to relax me and then a healthy dose of Cab usually does the trick!

  • http://ohnoa.com/ ohnoa.com

    Did you hear the kids these days are snorting the nutmeg to get high?

    1) How did they find this out?
    2) Apparently you have to snort a SHITLOAD of it to get even kind of high.
    3) Nutmeg is now the new replacement for SHITLOAD.

    Nutmeg.Next they’ll tell me the kids these days are huffing pickle juice.

  • MOV

    Am I too late to join the party? will anyone even read this comment?
    Ok, so the drug-name swearing. After my husband stubs his toe or slams his finger in a drawer, he goes jumping around saying, “God… BLESS AMERICA!” and now the kids think God is mean, and why doesn’t God like America, and does the word ‘bless’ actually mean something bad?
    As for your mom with the insomnia: Tell her to become Virgo (it’s like a religion) and then she will be thrilled beyond belief that she has, like, 4 more hours in the late evening/early morning to do fun little projects like clean out the linen closet. Send her to my house. I give lessons.
    MOV

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    penelope- i can’t say this enough- congratulations. i am so touched by your awesome love story. okay, so i’m beginning to think that all my mom needs is a membership to the wine-in-a-box club of the month. that, and some good books.=)

    noa- this, this is some valuable 411. just in case i ever run out of things to get high on (yo, sharpies can’t cut it every time) i can reach into my spice cabinet.

    MOV-Ha! My mother birthed a Virgo (me) so I think she has strong, strong feeling about every becoming Virgo-like. Personally, I think it’s sort of fabulous that I want to clean my windowsill 18 times a day.
    Seriously, those kids are learning some very valuable religious lessons, aren’t they?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01437627457955797951 Alex

    Love you post. Thank you for the comment.

  • http://alicat31.wordpress.com/ alicat31

    I love this. It’s like a Teret’s sufferer turned into a drug addict and it’s all they can think about anymore. All drugs, all day long.

    No actually, that’s sad. Scratch that. Ignore that.

    On a happier note, I just tried it and told my dog to “Get the PCP off me and go Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds lay down!” So there’s that.

  • http://citymom.ca/ City Mom

    This is hilarious…I’m not a big swearer but I think I’ll start so that I can do this too.

    For the insomnia…a book and CD called I Can Make You Sleep by Paul McKenna.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10245599062507705190 Sara @ Domestically Challenged

    you were so right. if we ever got together? The world would implode.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    Alex- thanks for the thumbs up!

    alicat- and if i were that dog, i would get the heroin off the couch and go hide in a acid corner.

    citymom- yes, i suggest a surge in the classic swear words first, then a gradual descent into the drugs.

    sara- let’s form a duo. we would rock.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12707231876699186906 Miranda Kaye

    I take Melatonin too, for when I cant sleep. It does help immensely. Hope that helps her!

  • http://onlyiamallowedtoyell.wordpress.com/ onlyiamallowedtoyell

    Okay, I have been an insomniac my whole life or so, and after fiddling with benadryl (sometimes with wine) and unisom, I have settled on melatonin. With benadryl I feel like I don’t get quality sleep, and have like a benadryl sleepy hangover in the morning. With unisom, a doctor told me it can be habit forming and not to take it every night. With melatonin, I was sleepy in the morning at first, but then reduced my dose and it’s fine.

    Oh, and I saw a mythbusters episode that confirmed that swearing helps you deal with pain.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    miranda- another vote for melatonin! thanks for the input.

    onlyiamallowedtoyell- and another vote for melatonin. if this doesn’t make me a believer…..

    i will quote mythbusters the next time someone gives me a stinkeye for swearing.

  • http://littlemissgonnabe.wordpress.com/ littlemissgonnabe

    Haha! I’ve got the worst potty mouth! I’ve been substituting in the “Fudge” lately but it’s not quite the same and despite my best efforts my almost-three-year-old has been know to drop the real f-bomb. Maybe, I’ll give your tip a try!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08933390354486980193 Jennifer

    Wow…No wonder I like your blog…I am a virgo as well!
    Cusp baby – not curse baby well ok both I guess…August 23rd 11:59 at night makes me the best/worst of each sign.
    I think my step kids would find it hilarious if I yelled out drug names but the thing is in England they use the proper terms and not a lot of slang. When speaking of pot or weed EVERYONE calls it cannabis and I just giggle and think FFS no slang?
    As for sleeping – oh it can be over rated as I have learned staying up till 2am watching Xmas movies since my hubby is not home for 2 weeks at a time. Get a good cry in and have some Baileys on the rocks and eventually you will get to sleep.
    Yea I just rambled a bit but *hair flip* its my nature ;-)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17945613975587842067 Kara Ward

    You are the funniest girl on the planet.

    I need to work on my swearing too!

    Such motivation!!!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    littlemissgonnabe- miss, “fudge” never gives me the deep, deep satisfaction the real word gives me. but, in a pinch, i will use it=) also, think of your little one using it as another word learned, not as a discouragement. ha!

    jennifer- i get along FAMOUSLY with cusp babies. i like the duality. it gives the friendship excitement! so hubs not home for 2 weeks at a time? sorry to hear that. you can take my husband as a loaner if you’d like

    kara- hey lovely lady! thanks for the kind words. i seriously couldn’t imagine a single swear word coming out of your mouth. please say one next time just to humor me. =)

  • ametrine

    This is hilarious!!!

  • Anonymous

    Too lazy to read the comments, but my drug of choice is Melatonin. I swear by it, couldn’t sleep without it! It’s all natural and really feels like you are naturally tired, not like Ambien or Benadryl, or a drug cocktail of Ambien, Benadryl and Vodka, not that I’ve tried that, of course.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    ametrine- thank you!

    anon- ambien, benedryl and vodka? sounds like a very effective combo. also, great gift ideas for my mother.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00650764598599832814 Rainyday

    Can’t help on the sleep issue. Still there myself. Should be sleeping now, but I’m not.

    I have caught myself swearing more lately. Luckily, the only time one of the boys picked up on it was when I’d luckily made a last minute edit and exclaimed “CRAP!” Elliot looked up, all innocent, “What’s crap, mama?” That was close. I can just hear him now “What’s fuck, mama? What’s shit?”

    When I was a little girl, my parents told me that shit was just another word for ‘shoot’ when you were upset. So I screamed SHIT a lot. Tjen there was the time I told my little sister to fuck off. I was 8, she would have been 7. I got spanked for that one.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    rainyday- hoo hoo hee hee. that is hilarious. after you got spanked, do you tell your parants to go fuck off, too? man, that would have been worth the second spanking in my book. =)

  • http://betteroffwithcats.wordpress.com/ betteroffwithcats

    Chamomile tea is the best for insomnia. Every time I drink a cup I’m instantly tired, and I sleep well that night. If she’s like me and doesn’t normally like tea, try it English style: hot with milk and sugar.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00986231358585797741 Elizabeth – Flourish in Progress

    betteroffwithcats- is it okay if she adds a splash of cough syrup and vodka in there? just kidding….about the cough syrup.

  • Anonymous

    If you ever come up with a consistent translation system, let us know!

    Maybe Crystal Meth can be Goddamnit. Or Ecstasy can be Fuckin’ A. Or Quaalude can be Assface.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09443553798728370645 MommaKiss

    Holy Coke Smokers, I love this option!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11371713800889286955 RollerScrapper

    lol, this reminds me of how my dad yells “SHISH” whenever he does something that requires a swear word :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00609629888008025050 The Empress

    This was wonderfully crazy.

    Thank you.

  • http://penrocks123.typepad.com/ Penelope Rock

    “Any insomnia cures?”
    Lately I’ve read an article that a crack ice could help insomniatics to sleep. Well, just don’t know if it is really that true and proven and tested. :)

  • http://weeklytvreview.blogspot.com The Watcher

    Another great story. And a good anti-swearing measure that I may have to try because I swore in front of my mother the other day, not something I’d usually do. In my defence though we were both mocking two lucky fat people on the news who had won the lottery, jealousy through mockery, and I upped the ante with “Fat fucks.” She was not amused, even though she had been considerably harsher yet more polite than I.

    If it’s not one thing it’s your mother. Or some fat bastards winning the lottery.

  • ragana jauvana

    ROFL omg this gave me my morning chuckle!

  • http://wildyetzenful.blogspot.com/ J.Lynn

    Drugs instead of curse words…genius!

    And my mom has insomnia too. I keep telling her to turn the TV off and take a hot both , or something. On a more serious note, I think insomnia could be stress related, as well as a sign of nutrient deficiency. 

  • http://twitter.com/RubyWildflower Ruby Wildflower

    Is masturbation your drug word of choice?

  • http://twitter.com/RubyWildflower Ruby Wildflower

    I’m glad I’m not the only one that is too lazy to read all comments. I usually say it better anyway.

  • http://twitter.com/RubyWildflower Ruby Wildflower

    Liz-dawg… tell your mum that sleep is great for insomnia. I’ve heard.
    Bitch could clean the house and make herself useful if she’s not sleeping though? BAKE ME SOME MUFFINS.

  • Lhh90403

    Tell your mom to try cherry juice.  The kind from Trader Joe’s works like a charm–  http://www .sleepfoundation. org /alert/cherry-juice-could-effect-your-insomnia

    • http://flourishinprogress.com/ Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress

      Thanks for the recommendation! And my mom thanks you too!

  • Heatherheartless

    I thought I was the only one. I can be angry AND patriotic. Talk about efficiency.

  • http://inmyutopia.blogspot.com/ Cindy

    As a former single parent (my daughter is 19 and I am now married), and a woman in her mid-ish 30’s, I am so excited I stumbled upon this blog! I too struggled with kicking the potty mouth habit (and yes, the occasional triggers, like stubbing my toe, are almost certain to cause an F-Bomb!). I fully relate to this article and found myself literally laughing out loud! I can’t wait to read more!

  • http://twitter.com/jdeneen4 Julie DeNeen

    So this is what my solution should be…brilliant!

  • Melissa Burton

    Had to let you know that this made me really, really laugh. I’m new to Los Angeles (and the whole driving thing) and find that behind the wheel in my new city, my new name should be Bubba (I almost misspelled that as Budda which would be absolutely wrong).

    This might give me a new outlet during my driving time and something else to do during my many bouts of insomnia.

    Many thanks!