Archives for December 2010

When "I Love You" isn’t enough

It was Cal’s birthday yesterday. For weeks, she campaigned for a rock tumbler.
Instead, I got her hand soap. (a.k.a. the gift of life and the best way to say I love you).

Is it just me, or do household items run out allatthesametime? Take toilet paper. When you don’t have it in one bathroom, is it even a surprise when you shuffle to another bathroom and find nothing there either? We ran out of hand soap over the weekend. In every bathroom, natch.
Did I do anything about it? Not really.

I never, ever say “yes” when my child asks, “Can I tell you something?”

The next sentence usually begins with:

  • I broke…
  • I didn’t know…
  • Is it true…
  • Well, (insert name here) said…

Early Saturday morning, she started the ominous string of words. Trouble was a’comin’, I could feel it.

“I don’t have any hand soap in my bathroom.”

I sighed deeply, then told her to get the body wash from her tub and use it as hand soap. It’s called innovation, folks. 

That’s what she did for three days. Take the body wash out of the tub, wash her hands, put it back, repeat, repeat.
On Monday, she forgot this process and had to leave mid-bath to retrieve her wash. Thank you, Jesus, that she didn’t slip.
On her birthday, I gifted her with hand soap. I gave birth to her and now I’m ensuring she stays alive. Lathers of love, I call it.
By the way, she got the rock tumbler. Since she loves to read, I surprised her with a trip to the bookstore and told her she could pick anything she wanted. Sixty-seven books later, we went home. I wanted to ask her to put sixty-two back, but I figured the extra was her “bonus” for putting up with me, so I stayed silent. Shitness, me and my stupid mouth.

Have you ever gotten a funny/unusual/crazy birthday gift request?
Have you ever been given a funny/unusual/crazy birthday gift?

photo via Pretty Swell Shop @

what’s a good substitute for swearing? drugs.

It’s probably a good idea to sit down; I have some disappointing news. I fucked up really messed up this week. Well, not that much…I’ve only cursed 19 times since Monday morning. I’ve been keeping track. And hey, at least I’m honest about it. I must be a saint. 

The count would have been a lot higher, but I concocted a brilliant substitute for swearing.

Drugs. All kinds of drugs. Crack cocaine, crystal meth, marijuana, heroin, LSD, ecstasy…. really, the list is endless.

I wasn’t going to share my little trick with you, but my big generous heart won out, so here’s the plan:

Every time you feel a swear word reaching the tip of your tongue, immediately substitute a drug. 

I accidentally kicked the toilet yesterday (don’t ask). Instead of my usual, I shouted with passion and vibrato, “CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE!”

It worked like a charm.

Because I care about my health (not really, we had some veggies languishing in the fridge), I juiced this morning. Since my juicer hadn’t seen the light of day for a while, it was a process just to get one small cup of juice.

I had to find all the parts, rinse off all the dust, wash all the veggies, cut the veggies to fit the juicer opening, juice the veggies, then immediately rinse the parts so they wouldn’t “crust,” and then I was ready to enjoy my juice.

Since I’m 30-years-young and I’ve got the coordination of a brand new baby, instead of grabbing the cup, I knocked it over.


I’ve gone through so many drugs, I’ve resorted to looking up slang for variety.

Angel dust, people. It’s not just something they sell at Victoria’s Secret.

The best unintended side effect is that Cal now associates all drugs with horrible mishaps and she’s less likely to become a druggie. I’m not cursing AND I’m teaching my daughter a valuable lesson. BAM! I’m a genius. 
On a drug-related (not really) note, my mom has been suffering from insomnia. She’s tried all sorts of remedies but she’s still having trouble sleeping. I thought about suggesting a little pot, but she might like it a little too much and turn into a druggie granny and then I’d lose my best babysitter, so I’d like a little advice, folks.

Any insomnia cures?
photo via