Obviously, she likes trouble

Since starting this week’s Monday Dare, I’ve only lost two fingers. By two fingers, I mean two small slivers of skin, but you know what, I bet it hurts the same.

A few readers expressed concern that Cal wasn’t getting enough nutrition in my home. And by a few readers, I mean Jennifer Clark. Jen has made it her one and only life mission to make sure that somebody in this house is getting proper nutrition.

She left me this comment:

“Dear Elizabeth- OK, you just hit one of my hot buttons. YOU MUST LEARN TO COOK!
The health and safety of you, your family and the Free World depends on this!!!
Get your ass up to Mayberry for some cooking lessons.
A woman your age unable to feed herself…..OY!”

I ignored her offer. Who brings a complete stranger into their home for cooking lessons? Also, what the hell did she mean by someone my age? I’m thirty years YOUNG, bitch!

Then she sent me an email. Before I even opened it, it looked like trouble. Nothing entitled “Girl, you need some help!” can be that good. I clicked it open anyway.

Bless her, she sent a recipe attached to a “P.S. I’m totally serious about the cooking lessons.”

Well, lady, if you’re looking for trouble, you just found it. I responded:

 
“To my favorite homie, Jen- You are da bomb. Imma come over, forrealz.”

Seriously, that’s what I wrote. I figured, if she wants me in her home and around her children, she should probably get to know the real me.

And the rest of our exchange:

Jennifer: January?

(Oh my god, this woman is really offering me cooking lessons. Sweet Jesus, jackpot!)

Me: Do you have fire insurance? If yes, let’s get this road to disaster started.You might want to get a needle and some thread in case you need to stitch me up. I will bring a large amount of cheap and tasteless liquor in the hopes of getting you drunk so we don’t actually have to cook. Also, I hate to cook.

Jennifer: I have Hello Kitty bandaids.

Me: I told my husband about this and he asked me if I invited myself over. I told him “yes” and that you really resisted but you eventually said “yes” because I offered you booze and a lawn gnome.

Jennifer: Please don’t bring a lawn gnome. I’d hate to hurt your feeling by smashing it with a hammer.

Me: Hide your good furniture. I like to put shit under my jacket as I’m leaving.

Folks, she STILL wants me to come over. And, I’m going. And, I’m bringing her a lawn gnome. And, she’s going to like it.

Have you ever been over to a “stranger’s” house for any reason? Please do not tell me if it includes nudity and an exchange of money or other goods. I am very innocent.
photo via blueq.com

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  • http://dsilkotch.wordpress.com/ Debora

    in 2007, my two kids and I went on a month-long road trip from SoCal to Georgia and back. When we passed through Texas (twice, once in each direction) we spend the night in the home of an Internet Friend that I’d only seen in real life two or three times. It was great, he has a nice home and a lovely family. I would definitely visit there again if I ever found myself back in Texas.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16107214079237461141 areyoukiddingme

    Nope, never done it…but I’m contemplating meeting up with a blogger that lives nearby.

    Good luck with the cooking lessons – ask to see her insurance policy before you start.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11993289758952263851 Wendy

    I meet internet people all the time for a variety of reasons. I flew to New Mexico for a week to see a girl I had only previously known on the internet via a photography site. I flew to the hell hole known as Pittsburgh to hang out with a friend I had only “spoken” with via Instant Messenger. Since you said not to mention naked bodies, I will not mention that he was AMAZING in bed. All three times I flew to see him. 1200 mile booty call? Possibly. Worth it? EVERY BIT.

    One of my closest friends used to live in West Virginia, and I knew her only via the internet until she moved here (the great hot pit known as Arizona) about a year and a half ago. She is da bomb diggity and a bad of chips, too.

    All of that to say, GO COOK! Jen sounds divine. I would go with you if I lived closer (what? inviting myself? I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11993289758952263851 Wendy

    “A bad of chips”??? WTF?

    It’s like I’m making up my own jail slang.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17210832629299621129 TheBabyMammaChronicles

    Haha, hillarious! Good luck to both of you. Sounds like fun. Can I come? And to answer your question, yeah, I guess so since two potential Nannies have interviewed here. But otherwise I don’t think so.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06188477563246196392 ailinh harris

    Nope. Never. But! I did, in fact, invite someone’s child over for some candy and treats. Then I realized that that was prooobably the most used invitation pedophiles use…

  • Kristyn

    Most of the times I’ve been to a stranger’s house, it has involved most of the things that cause a movie to be rated R. Wait…is it still a stranger if you’ve known them 2 days (by 2 days I mean 11pm till 2am)?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05134348512629558645 Amanda

    Didn’t you know that “learning to cook” was the new definition of “come over to my house so we can make a freaky porno/slasher flick”? Good luck with the cooking!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11371713800889286955 RollerScrapper

    Just this Thanksgiving in fact. The captain’s stepmom’s friend’s daughter’s house…and to top it off her husband and brother sat in the kitchen so we could be welcomed at Thanksgiving…they were such nice people!

    Also in 2000-2001 at midnight, my friend D and I went to England to stay with his friend N. N ran out of booze so we went over to his neighbor’s house where N got so smashed he was asked to leave…but D did comment to me, did you ever think you’d be half way round the world dancing at a strangers house? and I said No way! It was fun though :)

    I’m sure there are more, but the dancing at the stranger’s house was probably the most random, since N didn’t know them either until he met them in the street celebrating the new year!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    Debora- Them Texans are awesome. Texas will always have my heart…even though California my body. Wait, that didn’t come out right.

    areyoukidding- how did this blogger talk you into meeting and how can i do the same?

    Wendy- don’t worry, I understand jail slang…I watch COPS, yo. If we get to know each other well, will you also call me a “bad of chips”? That sounds awesome. I want to be that. Also, I feel like some of these stories are cocktail hour stories. Remind me to bring them up when i invite myself to have cocktails with you….I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING ME!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    babymamma- ha! come! i think you and jennifer would get along smashingly…smashing my lawn gnome present.

    ailinh- snort. so, so funny. Did the mama give you a strange look and then run to tell the other mamas about you? =)

    kristyn- AHHAAHHAHA. I just love you. You are what makes Vegas so fun.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    Amanda- I asked if we could do that instead of cook, but Jennifer said no. I’m pretty disappointed but I guess I’ll go anyway.

    roller- you were in England for New Year’s dancing with strangers and boozing it up and having an awesome, random adventure? I’m not really sure you’re my kind of people, hun. It just sounds to me like you really don’t know how to have fun.

  • http://www.geekdetails.com/ Amanda @geekdetails

    I met a good friend via the interwebs at on of our bases we were at. She invited me over from scrapbooking. it was fun.

    I do invite strangers over often. We almost always have someone I don’t know at the house on thanksgiving (we invite over airmen not going home for the holiday). A current really good friend is someone that I said hello to at a cafe because she looked interesting. We traded some garden plants and found out we lived near each other and now we hang out all the time.

    I don’t really have stranger danger though. I think that most people at their core, are good. they’re not looking to rob me or murder me or rape me. People are lonely but they’re afraid to reach out. they want to learn how to do things but are afraid to ask or don’t have anyone they can ask. So I reach out and it leads to interesting friends.

  • http://ohnoa.com/ ohnoa.com

    Whoa. I’m so proud of Jennifer for wanting better for you, but I’m so afraid for her at the same time.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06432397460041356445 Jennifer Clark

    Alright, young lady! You are gonna learn to feed yerself and nothing you say is gonna change my mind!

    Eh-hem.

    That said, I’m only sorry we have to wait ’til after the holidays. I mean, most of my Christmas decorations are so nicely flammable….

    And for all you lovely folks out there on the Intertubes who are worried for me? Relax. I have sharp German steel in my kitchen.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    amanda- i love this about you! when i was younger, i trusted anyone, even a stranger. once, i was walking through boston and my feet got tired, so i took a break on a bench. a man offered me a ride in his car and i accepted. i would have gone with him except that some grandma saw the whole thing and wouldn’t let me. =)

    Noa- thank you for believing in me. also, i WILL SHOW YOU! also, can’t wait to see you in dallas. you better wine and dine me at taco bueno.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    Dear Jennifer (friend and possible victim of extensive fire damage to her home)- I am ready for this life-changing experience. I will show up sober and prepared. I will not bitch and moan at every turn. Occasionally, I will heave a great big sigh so that you know I am really hating the whole experience and you will know what an ingrate i really am. Thank you so being so generous. I promise I will try my hardest not to make you hate me. I don’t really see myself fulfilling that promise, but it is something I figured I should say. I am a mature adult, after all.

    Love, your friend (for now)
    elizabeth

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07113307510907969520 Tay Talk

    See I love this. Like, LOVE-LOVE this. I wish more people would do it. I feel like anymore people are NOT OPEN. If your good at something [As she is cooking] and you find that someone could use a little help [as you need help keeping your family fed] why not offer to help?? Again, I love it. I hope you have a blast! I’m sure you’ll be the next Rachel Ray in no time!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    Tay- I tried to resist, but your enthusiasm has flooded over to this side. Every time I think about Jennifer’s sweet offer, I am beyond touched and I love that she would just reach out and offer someone outside of her “real life” her time and her assistance. I WILL be the next RACHAEL RAY!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10224055519067737912 SteffanyF

    I HAVE been over to a stranger’s house for book club. I always come bearing booze and my running shoes just in case.
    I’m teaching two of my friends how to cook right now, but neither of them are strangers. And we do get drunk, but I make them work anyway. HAH.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00986231358585797741 Elizabeth – Flourish in Progress

    Steffany- Ha! Smart girl. Although, in this situation, I need Jennifer Clark and her darling children need to be the ones wearing the running shoes.=) Ok, so is this where I invite myself over when I’m in you ‘hood to get some lessons from you?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10224055519067737912 SteffanyF

    If you’re ever in the Boston area I will gladly have you over for cooking lessons. I’ll even let you drink as a testament to my good will. :-)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    Steffany- what a kind and generous spirit you are. i will supply the copious amounts of booze and you can supply the copious amounts of talent and bandages.

  • http://www.dragulska.com/ Dragulska.com

    I can relate to the cooking issue! I’d need a bottle of wine before I would even think about a start of lessons!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    dragulska- welcome! i need that bottle of wine before, during and after. =)