Archives for November 2010

trophy wife

Recently, I passed by an airport gift shop window displaying a tower of “World’s Greatest Wife” trophies. I’m pretty sure I deserve one.

At least once a week, I make an effort to acknowledge Harv by grunting in his direction when he walks into the room. Last year, while bedridden with the flu, he asked for a glass of water and I reluctantly got it for him. Even with these splashy displays of effort, I can’t help but feel there’s still more that I could do to be a better wife.

Crazy, right? Maybe I should mention that when I got Harv that glass of water, I only spilled a little on his neck. How did he get so lucky? Maybe I’m just a giver and he’s just a taker.

In the spirit of Phobia and Fear Week, I’m sharing my Real Love Checklist to allay any love connection fears. If you are currently in a relationship that does not look like this, you might want to consider a divorce, or at the very least, some intense counseling.

1. Real couples do not fight. Ever. Fighting is a sign of weakness and it probably means that the relationship is riddled with infidelity.

2. Real couples call each other at LEAST 10 times a day. Especially when one or the other is on a business trip that involves several cities and intricate flight schedules. If your partner does not excuse her/himself during an important strategy session to call you, s/he does not love you. Plain and simple.

3. Real couples only use words like “precious” and “delightful” to describe parenthood. Only bad parents in fake couplings complain about colic or teenage angst.

4. Gifts. Material gifts are very important. Expensive = better. If your significant other gives you a basketful of home-baked goodies or a thoughtful love letter, re-evaluate the relationship. It may be time to move on.

5. A man in love will bring flowers home every single day. Twice on Saturdays. Don’t be fooled by a potted plant and a note attached with sentiments of watching “love bloom together.”

6. A woman in love serves a home-cooked meal every night. Appetizer, entree AND dessert.

7. With cloth napkins. And a smile.

8. Real couples see eye-to-eye on everything. A difference in opinion is the first step toward an ugly downward spiral. She like it at a toasty 76 degrees, and he wants a chilly 67? Inevitable demise.

9. A woman in love will go to bed with her makeup on so that her partner never sees her au naturale. Naked pores? Come on, let’s have some manners.

10.  A real couple shares just one email account. And one bank account. And one mobile phone. Which neither party needs since they do everything together. Who needs a hobby when you have each other?

I should probably look into getting my own relationship talk show on AM radio.

Did I miss anything on this list?

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Monday Dare: the Tim Kermitathoponolisis story

Every Monday, I’m picking from the List of Things to Try, Places to Go, Possible Acts that Help and Possible Fun to Have. It’s a list I made before The Project started and I’m still adding to it. If you have suggestions, please, feel free to throw them my way. I’m calling the list my Monday Dares, as I get overwhelmed just looking at the words “challenge” or “goal.”

This Week: I have phobias. I will address one. Or five. Or… just one.

Several years ago, I made the mistake of watching a news clip about a local home infested with bird mites. Fascinated, I made another mistake by googling “bird mites.” I read the sad testimonial of a man who went to sleep one night with his bedroom window open and woke up the next morning with mites in his nose. In his nose!

Then, I went to bed one night with our window open and I woke up the next morning with an itchy nose. Turns out, I caught a cold, but you know how these things twist and turn in your mind until you end up with a phobia.

Bird mite angst. It’s real, people.

My friend, Kathy, has a fear of heights and hates flying. Every time she mentions it, someone standing in our vicinity will chime in and offer that they, too, suffer from the same phobia. Bird mites? Nothing. Just some empty stares.

Now, instead of explaining myself, I just feign disbelief. “You mean you haven’t heard the Tim Kermitathoponolisis story? Wow, where have you been?” I find it’s always helpful to include a long name; it just adds more credibility. I turn and walk away before they ask questions about poor Tim. It’s more effective that way.

Two Saturdays ago, Harv, Cal and I spent the day at the beach. Thirsty, we walked toward the pier to get a soda and saw a well-attended sidewalk show featuring a man and his two birds. Instinctually, I blurted, “Bird mites!” Loudly. I nudged Cal to start moving, but she turned and gave me a look I’ve never seen before.

You know what? Screw this, mommy. I’m standing here and watching the birds.

Disobedience. The teen years, they are a comin’.

I’m pretty cheap about therapy, so I’ll probably just send away for some free “Bird Mites and You” pamphlets. That should do the trick.

Any of your own phobias you’d like to share? Lookee what we got here- a phobia show-and-tell..

A big thanks to Gretchen Rubin, author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller, The Happiness Project. She gave Flourish in Progress a thumbs up on her blog. I think. “Fascinating” is code for thumbs up, no? (Don’t tell her that I’m clueless, y’all.) She’s smart, she’s happy and she rocks a pair of studs better than any classy bitch I know, yo.

photo via