Monday Dare: obviously, i hate myself

Every Monday, I’m picking from the List of Things to Try, Places to Go, Possible Acts that Help and Possible Fun to Have. It’s a list I made before The Project started and I’m still adding to it. If you have suggestions, please, feel free to throw them my way. I’m calling the list my Monday Dares, as I get overwhelmed just looking at the words “challenge” or “goal.”

This week: I will utter nothing but the truth. I do, however, reserve the right to remain silent. 

Let’s take a poll. Pretend it’s Monday and you’ve had a hard weekend drinking chardonnay-in-a-box in a trampy little Halloween outfit or you’ve been put through the ringer parading your two sugar-addicted spawns around the town for cheap nuggets of crack candy. In your delicate condition, which sounds better to you?

A. Goodness! Aren’t you just a vision! That dress is such a lovely silhouette on you and the color peach really brings out the delicate tone of your skin. Is that gorgeous flower on your shoulder one of your unique crafting creations? It is? I’m swooning!

B. You look like an albino hooker wearing a flower pot. And it pinches you in all the wrong places.

Guess which one I picked this morning? Sometimes, you lie to protect the fragile closet alcoholic. Sometimes, you lie to protect yourself from the rage of the fragile closet alcoholic.

Self-preservation be damned. I will tell the truth until an angry mob bludgeons me into unconsciousness. Obviously, I hate myself.

How I envision this week:

Grocery Check-out Person: How’s your day?

Me Normally: Great! Thanks for asking! And how is YOUR day? (smile)

Me This Week: Well, I’m glad you asked me. I’m on a self-imposed shopping ban for an entire year and today is the two-month mark. I really miss going to the mall and buying shit and now I’m daring myself to do all these things that I normally wouldn’t attempt. I went to the museum a few weeks ago and that didn’t work out so well because a weirdo wanted to take me home and be the father of my children I think, and I also got in trouble for touching some of the installation art. I then forced myself to be really nice to some ladies that are insufferable, and you know how that goes…trying to be classy to passive-aggressive crazies. I may be getting some gray hairs because of that little experiment. I almost divorced my husband over an accordion file folder just last week. He’s been pretty patient about my Project, but he may snap like an old, crispy rubber band at any time and I wouldn’t blame him. I just put a magazine back on the shelf, even though I really want the dirt on Courteney Cox’s separation, because I can’t even buy a magazine. I guess I’ll just have to go to the library and look at the free magazines there that already have other people’s spit marks and food stains on it. And how is YOUR day? (smile)
——-
At home with Harv:

Harv: I love you.

Me Normally: I love you.

Me This Week: I love you, but I need to be honest about a few things. I think Apolo Ohno is incredibly sexy and he’s the only reason I watched the Winter Olympics. The way his hand glides the ice as he takes those turns makes me dizzy and hot and I think his soul patch is remarkably attractive. I’m still pretty pissed that you didn’t want to come to the Justin Beiber book signing with me on Sunday. Yes, he’s young and he lacks any musical talent and his hair is beyond repair, but I think he’s quite charming for a young teen boy. Also, I sometimes think about Wentworth Miller. He’s gay, so I don’t really stand a chance with him, but he is still extremely gorgeous and I can’t take my eyes off of him. Are you suspicious when I check out Gretchen Rubin’s blog incessantly? You should be…it’s called a girl crush. I know you’re really tired of me pining over Tim Holtz and I’m really sorry I wrote “I Love Tim Holtz” on my sneakers in Sharpie, but I still haven’t given up hope that one day, I’ll come home and he’ll be at our dining table with all of his genius crafting tools, ready to have a one-on-one crafting session with me. It could possibly be the best moment of my life if I could just sprinkle glitter all over him and then watch him roll around the floor, covering everything in glitter.
——-
At Cal’s school:

Enemy Friendly Mom: Did Harv get a new car? How much did it cost?

Me Normally: Gee, I really don’t remember. I can ask him for you and get back to you since I really love to see your beautiful shining face every day and our conversations are the highlight of my afternoon.

Me This Week: ……………. (I reserve the right to remain silent).

*Have you ever told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Did you feel great afterwards? Did an angry mob form around your home with torches? Has anyone ever told YOU the truth about something when you didn’t expect it? 
photo via blueq.com

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  • http://www.oncemore.typepad.com/ jenfromboston

    the only time I have a poker face is during poker. I am the worst liar. I guess I COULD lie by omission- or pretend I’m with ya with a head bob, but the telling of bold face lies I have no short of about a million tells. The laughing might be an indicator, I don’t know.

    That said, if the truth is what you seek, I am your girl. Are those jeans unflattering, you ask? I’ll tell you. However, I’m not a dick about it, as I try to employ some skills of diplomacy when breaking it to you that, yah, your ass looks big in them. I don’t need to bring a friend to tears.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05683404755192130380 Gina L

    Well, I did reserve the right to remain silent rather than telling the truth. It was years ago, as I am not known for my tact. My nephews were not yet teenagers. Back then, they were just crazy, out of control, adorable balls of dirt. As they rolled around, collecting dirt as dirtballs will do, my brother said, “I know I’m not the best disciplinarian.” I just looked at him and kept my vow of silence. It was difficult. Surprisingly, those balls of dirt are now 13 and 15, and actually well behaved, good and CLEAN. Amazing.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02884115593836844503 Mikeal

    They say “the truth will set you free”, unless you did in fact steal that object by sneaking it into your pocket in which case your parents will be called and you then “the truth hurts”.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16107214079237461141 areyoukiddingme

    Yeah, I learned in my first professional job that being honest was a major character flaw. Now I just try to keep my mouth shut. It doesn’t usually work.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07042882766087358457 Prima Mama

    My two-year-old told me the truth about my language deficiency just last night when he dropped his pumpkin full of candy in the street and said “Fuck it! Fuck it, Daddy!”

    Whoops.

  • CorrineA.

    You never fail to make me laugh…thanks for that. I must confess that I sometimes remain silent…although not always, probably not often enough even.

    Ex: When I was pregnant with the first BOY on my husbands side of the family and everyone was so excited and I was getting tons of pressure to name my beautiful (I knew he was beautiful from those alien sonogram pics they give.) son after my husband I stood up during a family dinner and had a breakdown where I yelled at my MIL that my husbands(her beautiful son, who she named) name was “old fashioned and silly and that I would never name my son that.”

    Yep…the table was silent, I was crying and embarrassed, and it cost me $40 in flowers the next day with profuse apologies to my MIL and many apologies to my husband to get past that one.

    Should have remained silent there for sure. But then no one ever suggested that idea again so maybe it was for the best.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17210832629299621129 TheBabyMammaChronicles

    Elizabeth you become more and more my favorite person and blogger! I am a HUGE sissy pants! And while I am honest about myself, I also HATE confrontation so can also be found lying to a lot of people – white lie stuff maybe but truth be told, sometimes I do really want to tell certain people thst they are, indeed, fat, stupid, ugly, or mean and that YES I really do believe their religion SUCKS! Oh, if I only had the courage!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07969357513275063157 Amy

    I am a chronic white liar! I should probably just remain silent more often. :)

    I’m a new reader–found you through my sister Becky–and I’m really enjoying your blog! You are hilarious…and brave!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05134348512629558645 Amanda

    I must say that I am extremely impressed! I envy people who have the ability to remain silent in such situations. I lack that skill. It’s just not there at all! Complete strangers, family members, anyone in between, I can offend anyone who asks me the simplest of questions. “Does this fit me?” I am NOT the person to ask.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06432397460041356445 Jennifer Clark

    Ah, I used to lie my ass off, professionally. I was a hotel manager, once upon a time. My theater training was quite handy! The truth only got me into trouble….

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    jenfromboston- i’m a headbobber. it’s my way of making the other person think i’m listening, but i’m really thinking about cupcakes.

    Gina- the strength you have. seriously.

    mikeal- that’ll teach you, you thief.

    areyoukiddingme- i’m noticing a trend that it’s actually not cool to be honest in the workplace. note to self: don’t work.=)

    prima- this shit made my day.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13866057740157426001 Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    Corrine- I MUST know your husband’s name. Please tell me. Please.

    BabyMamma- i hate confrontation too but here’s what we can do. let’s exchange lists of the people who really piss us off and i can tell off your list and you can tell off mine. easier with people you don’t know.

    Amy- Welcome Chronic Liar! You’re in good company, apparently.

    Amanda- Does this blog make me look fat?

    Jennifer- I need some stories!!!! Every time I leave a hot weekend spot like Vegas, I always shake my head and wonder what the hotel managers must see on a daily basis.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17874963138325427383 sophie

    My latest “too much truth” came a couple of weeks ago at work. I am carrying extra pounds, and medical scrubs aren’t figure flattering. A patient asked me if I was pregnant. I was tired enough to answer, “No, I’m just fat. And, this would be a really bad week to get pregnant. I’m 45 years old and my husband filed for divorce yesterday.” I was faced with blank stares from patient and family. Perhaps I need to take my filter in for repair.

  • http://justmakingconvo.com/ justmakingconvo.com

    I have to return…I currently have a chest infection, and your albino hooker/flower pot comment made me laugh so hard I now have a layer of phlegm covering my monitor.

    (Sorry for the visual, blame it on the cold meds…)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09443553798728370645 MommaKiss

    what a fab site, I’m so glad you said hi on mine. yes, that birthday gift was Unbelievable!

    I’ll check out some more posts and sign up to get them ALL!

    Oh, re: honesty – that new car? I’d have added $10k to the price, tipped my shades and told that ‘enemy’

  • CorrineA

    Elizabeth – My husbands name is Fred…yep that classifies as “old fashioned & silly” to me! ;)

  • http://ohnoa.com/ ohnoa.com

    Adrian: Noa, does my hair look okay?
    Noa: Hm.
    Adrian: That wasn’t an answer.
    Noa: Right. I know that.
    Adrian: Answer me, is my hair ok?
    Noa: If you were going for Janis Joplin, nailed it.
    Adrian: What’s wrong with you?

    I was just telling him the truth.

  • http://indireneed.wordpress.com/ indireneed

    You are very brave indeed. I’d like to try that, but I am pretty sure I’d get sacked. Or stabbed. Probably just the first thing though.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00986231358585797741 Elizabeth – Flourish in Progress

    Sophie- No way, don’t take your filter in! What you did was brilliant…it let the patient take his/her mind off his/her medical ailments for just a second and focus on something else. Genius!

    justmakingconvo- may i suggest covering your screen in a layer of saran wrap before visiting again. this humor is such a heavy burden. thank you for understanding. p.s. feel better

    mommakiss- next week, when i don’t have to tell the truth, i will add 20K, 15 additional features and compliment her on her “awesome” attire

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00986231358585797741 Elizabeth – Flourish in Progress

    Corrine- This story still makes me chuckle. Fred as in Frederick Fred or Fred as in Fred Fred.

    Noa- kinda want to know what this awesome hairstyle looks like now.

    indireneed- that would be a day worth recounting, no? being virtuous and honest and getting fired and stabbed because of it? might be a nice addition to the holiday card..”and guess what exciting thing happened this year……”

  • Corrine

    Elizabeth – Glad you are getting a chuckle…it’s the least I can do as I have gotten so much laughter and enjoyment out of your writing. It’s Fred as in Frederick. Oh and I forgot to mention that during his whole childhood he was known as Freddy.

  • Wendy

    Corrine – I am 100% on your side. For the record, I had a similar sort of thing occur when my in-laws wanted me to name my child after his grandfather, Henry. I believe what I said was something along the lines of “‘Henry’ doesn’t even like the name ‘Henry’ that’s why he goes by Bill [his middle name is William]. Why the hell would I want to name my child something that TWO GENERATIONS AGO was horrible?” and the response was “He goes by Bill out of respect for his dad who died before he was born and whom he was named after.” This was followed by that really heavy silence.

    We named the boy child Elijah.

    Additionally, I am one of those people who just can’t help myself and manage to say the most horrible honest things at the worst times. It’s not really all it’s cracked up to be. On the other hand, anytime anyone actually really wants an honest opinion rather than useless pandering, they always come to me with the caveat of “I know no matter what, you’ll be honest with me” so I suppose it might be a good thing? Except when it’s not?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11371713800889286955 RollerScrapper

    Lol, I’m pretty stoic so I will share a tim holtz sighting. I was at cha with my friends who had a scrapbook store and I remarked “there’s tim holtz!” They both look up and I explained, ” I recognized him by his highlights!”…we all had a good chuckle.

  • Corrine

    Wendy – Thanks for the support. :) You really do get it…sorry for your embarrassing moment. Even though I must admit I am chuckling a little bit…but sorry nonetheless. Also I think you made a great choice with Elijah!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12574615742310337050 Kernut the Blond

    LMAO I love this! I can’t wait to hear how it went.

    I told a big truth earlier this year and it didn’t go so well for me. I found out the “friend” I told had limits on how much of a friend he could be – especially when I needed someone in my corner. We’re still friends, but I’m much clearer on how that word means different things to him than it does to me.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00986231358585797741 Elizabeth – Flourish in Progress

    Corrine and Wendy- So it’s good that my family was very preoccupied with the fact that I was an unwed teen and no one bothered to hassle me about the name? Ummm…..cheers to teen pregnancy, I guess?

    rollerscrapper- I saw Tim Holtz at CHA last year and I was so overwhelmed that I had to turn away. My husband was extremely embarrassed by my reaction and walked away. Ha! Highlights…Ha!

    kernut- sometimes, friend disappointment is so much worse than relationship disappointment…it’s so much harder to break up with a friend who doesn’t get it

  • http://penelopelife.com/ Penelope

    This is awesome! I want a full report on further conversations! ;)

  • http://www.eatingstumptown.com/ Mary Sue

    I haven’t tried telling the truth to everyone, but I did once spend two days saying no to people when they asked me to do things for them. I did regular stuff, made dinner, etc…, but as soon as someone asked me to do something inconvenient for me that I didn’t want to do – I said no. People were PISSED! I couldn’t believe it.

    Granted, I didn’t have children, so I am not sure that would work for everyone.

  • http://unintentionalhousewife.com/ Unintentional Housewife

    Is it creepy that I think I have a girl crush on you now? I mean, I’ve only been reading your posts for like half an hour (so far). Girl Crush at first read? Is that a real thing?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00986231358585797741 Elizabeth – Flourish in Progress

    penelope- awesome….or stupid? =)

    mary sue- this is genius. i don’t have the balls to say “no” most of the time and it gets me into a lot of trouble

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00986231358585797741 Elizabeth – Flourish in Progress

    unintentionalhousewife-so NOT creepy. I’m just going to go tell Harv he has competition now.