10.06.10

turn your baggage into a bag of tricks

My name is Elizabeth.I am homeless.
I am messy.
I am a woman prepared for anything.

A long time ago, before I developed a love for free napkins, I always had a tidy, well-organized purse. Actually, I had a well-organized everything. An obsessive-compulsive friend once swooned over my sock drawer. I’m not bragging. I’m just stating a fact.

Then, at an amusement park one day, a bird mistook my arm for a bathroom. A bird who had obviously enjoyed a large meal before taking a cruise through the park. What do you know….not a napkin in sight.

I began stuffing napkins into my purse every time I saw them. Assured that I was prepared for anything, I walked around with one eye tilted upward, quietly muttering,

“Bring it, bitches. I’m ready.”
Recently, I didn’t have my purse. Why? I was venturing a mere five blocks to quell my soda addiction. Bird attacks? No way! Not in the safety of my car!
 
It’s too bad I promptly spilled all 32 ounces of sugary soda glory onto the gear shifter. In my attempt to catch the falling drink, I sliced my knuckle open on the plastic lid rim.  No napkins. No bandages.

Why had I been so shortsighted? Clearly, I was only prepared for bird attacks. Soda spills inside the car? A bodily injury? Anything could happen at any time.  I only live a few miles from the beach. What if I get sand in my eye? I wash my hands a lot. They could get chapped…I need lotion! I do care about my colon. I need fiber cereal!

There’s a difference between leading a cluttered life and a prepared life. I’m on the right side of the fence. I think.

October 6, 2010

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  • Tim

    Since I care about you, may I suggest you watch the show, Hoarders, on A&E? It’s on Mondays at 10pm.

  • Anonymous

    Love this post! I think it was Dave Barry who said that his wife doesn’t leave home wihout enough provisions in her purse to set up a homestead for three months.

    I tend to be a bit of a girl scout as well. Swiss army knife? Check. Notepad and pens? Check. Bandaids? Always. Chocolate? More than always!

  • http://www.eatingstumptown.com/ Mary Sue

    Ooooh! I love being extra prepared. My favorite thing about my purse is when someone starts sneezing and I pull out an assortment of sudafed, anti-histamine, and cold medicine and ask them to “choose”.

    My absolute favorite thing to steal are wet naps from restaurants. Those things come in handy!

    As for the paper napkins, my mom buys me cute pocket tissues and I change them every season. People make fun of me.

  • http://www.myskipper.typepad.com/ mariella :)

    love your blog! you are sooo funny and witty. i also have a love for free napkins. i stash them everywhere. i have a problem with sweaty hands…