in honor of halloween: some scariness

By now, it’s obvious I lead a classy and understated life. I hate to make a scene and I pretty much live to serve my husband and child. (

Even though Halloween isn’t considered a gift-giving holiday, it still ranks in my top three. Why? Because it’s perfectly acceptable to send my lovely little daughter out into the cold, dark night dressed in rags to beg for candy. The candy I promptly take away as soon as she gets home except for five pieces, claiming a genuine concern for her dental health. Really, I do it because I want the candy for myself. So, free candy for me and I get to dress like a tramp! It’s like winning the lottery, except I didn’t have to spend a dollar for a ticket.

In honor of my third favorite holiday, I’m sharing two scary stories.

Scary Tragic Story:

When Cal was just ten months old, I dressed her up as a Teletubbie and took her trick-or-treating. By “dressed up as a Teletubbie”, I really mean that she only had the Teletubbie cap on because she peed through her diaper and costume after the second house. I had to ditch the costume, change her diaper and continue on Cal’s First Treat-or-Treat Experience. Every house seemed a little hesitant to give a ten-month-old candy, but I reassured each candy clencher that I was saving the goodies for later. You know, for when she had teeth. I then smiled widely, grabbed the candy and ran off before they had time to call CPS.

After Cal went to bed that night, I helped myself to a few pieces of her bounty. I couldn’t believe how much more enjoyable every mundane task became with a little candy in my mouth. Washing dishes? Eat a Tootsie Roll! Folding clothes? Have a Hershey’s! Before I knew it, there was nothing left in the bag except for three starlight mints and some pennies. Fuck.

I planned to use the pennies in a drive-by later that week to pelt the offender’s lawn (pennies are useless). It’s a choking hazard and it’s not candy. OH, not that we got any, but don’t give apples or those tiny little oranges as “treats.” Seriously, don’t you dare.

I didn’t think Cal would notice the missing loot, since she seemed to be preoccupied with other things, like learning how to crawl and eating baby wipes, but the next morning she made a grab for her bag as soon as she woke up. Have you ever seen a ten-month-old’s eyes dim from disappointment and betrayal?

Folks, taking candy from a baby is, in reality, not that easy.

Scarier Story:

Before The Project started, I went to Michael’s craft store. After I got inside, I realized that I had forgotten my “40% off one item” coupon. Scary, right? Don’t fight it, just let that fear wash over you.

Share your scary stories. Or celebrity gossip. Whatever. Just tell me some scary stuff. 
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  • Deedee

    Hahahaha. That was scary stuff – but funny too!

    Here’s my scary story…I only bought one bag of Halloween candy this year. OMG – I hope that’s enough. What am I going to do when it runs out???

    Every year I buy way too much candy to prevent the “Ijustranoutofcandyandherecomemorescarykids” syndrome. But all that happens is I have lots of leftover candy – that I eat. So we’ll see what happens this year!

  • Juliana, aka Kernut the Blond

    Love the story! I mean ‘love’ in a tragic comedy kind of way. I sure Cal isn’t scarred for life. LOL about throwing the pennies back at the offender’s house!

    Scary story? I’ve got a couple related to some bad choices in dates, but I don’t think that’s what you meant. Pity, as I have lots of those. ;)

  • areyoukiddingme

    I’ve had to go trick or treating with my SIL and her son for the past 2 years. Now that’s scary.

    Also scary…I went to Michael’s the day after I recycled my 40% off coupon. Then I went back without my new rewards card. It’s scary that I’m allowed out on the road at all.

  • TheBabyMammaChronicles

    Peeing through the costume, that sounds like something that’d happen to us!

    Hm, scary story: After becoming a Mommy, I totally became . . . dun dun dun, that woman. Yeah, you know the one, gym clothes or jeans and a t-shirt, no make-up, spit up on my shoulders, hair a mess. Basically, totally a viable candidate for what not to wear. It’s scary!

  • Prima Mama

    LOL! “Taking candy from a baby is, in reality, not that easy.” I love it!

    The scary story of the morning thusfar is that I was more excited to watch Phinnaeus and Ferb on Disney than my son was. True story.

  • RollerScrapper

    I have a great scary story…one halloween I decided to throw a party, but halloween was on a Thursday, so I threw the party on the Saturday before halloween. I dressed up as cruella de vil, and at some point after the party we all decided to go down to hillcrest in san diego for burritos. I was standing outside the burrito place and this lady stops to admire my costume (as no one was in costumes on a random saturday before halloween). She says, “What’s your name?” I say “rollerscrapper” (not really i used my real name) she says “no, what’s your REAL name” and I say “Roller scrapper” but then I go “Oh I get it, CRUELLA DE VIL!” and she is like “NO WHAT’S YOUR REAL NAME?” and my friend finally had to say “She’s a woman, now go away!”…the lady was clearly convinced I was a transvestite! Now think about that while you’re trying to sleep…shudder.

  • Amanda

    For Halloween this year, I was going to do the responsible Mom thing and take my kids trick-or-treating. Then, we got tickets to the World Series. We HAVE to go. Wouldn’t anyone? No kids invited. I’m worried about the future therapy bills.

  • Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    Deedee- I always used to buy extra candy to “give to the trick-or-treaters”but I knew most of it would end up in my mouth. =) One year, I bought a ton and not one kid came by. Tell me how it goes tomorrow.

    Juliana- ooOo, now I’m curious. I’m assuming we both have “awesome” taste in men.

    areyoukiddingme- From the way you make it sound, I’m just assuming they are the most polite, gentlehearted, well behaved boys I’d ever meet?
    p.s. kinda dying to know how you came up with your blogspot address

  • Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    babymamma- that’s my trademark look! well, except the spit up part. usually for me, it’s chocolate or milkshake i’ve been drinking. sexy, i know.

    rollerscrapper- HAHAHHAHAHAHHHA. I love this. Seriously, that is truly a special memory. How many times in your life is someone going to accuse you of being a man?

    Amanda- World Series vs. Kids? Kids? What kids???

  • sophieredhead

    Your post reminds me of my favorite Halloween card ever. My sister and I were both in college when we saw it. Th front said, “I got you the scariest Halloween card I could find.”
    Inside, “I’m pregnant.”

    As for the Teletubbies costume–my nephew was forced to be Boots to his sister’s Dora when he was a baby. Halloween was unseasonably warm, though, and he was a sweaty mess. His costume came off piece by piece ’til he was down to the diaper.

  • Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress

    Sophie- HAHA. That is just genius. That’s a real Hallmark moment.

    Poor thing…I imagine by the end, he had a loose-handing diaper and the backpack….dangling off one arm.